The possibility of pain

I recently spent some time in Florida.  The beaches, the sun, the warmth, the sand, the amount of books I was able to read, was good for my soul.  I was able to spend some time with my younger sister who lives down there and I managed to sneak some time in with a friend who happens to live in the same city as my sister.  It was amazing.  I've now been plunged back into Michigan's bipolar spring (you would think I would be used to this having lived here my entire life) and am missing the afternoons spent outside with a book in hand.

But I had a conversation with my friend while I was down in Florida and it's been running around my head now for the last week and a half.  So I decided to come here and share what God's been impressing on my heart as I've been reflecting.

To understand the context of this conversation, you have to know what my life has been like over the last 5 months.  I'm going to give you the cliff notes version, okay?

In early November, right before my birthday, the guy I was dating broke up with me.  There were some circumstances surrounding the break up that made me question the timing.  We had a couple conversations and I told him that I believed God was telling me to fight for him.  And I did.  For 3.5 months.  Until it became crystal clear that I could stop fighting and move on.  So about 1.5 months ago I started reentering life and truly enjoying every moment again.  There's a lot more details I'm obviously leaving out, but that's not the main point of this post.  Basically you need to know, I wasn't expecting the break-up and felt blind-sided.  It sucked. It hurt. It was painful.  But can I share something?  God is really good at this healing thing.

Why did you need to know this?  Because this was the conversation that my friend and I were having. But it was her comment about all of this that made me pause and has caused me to continue processing over the past week or so.  Her comment was about how no one saw this coming and wondering how we keep it from happening again in the future.

And while we talked about different ways that we can be discerning about who we are in a relationship with, the answer that I kept coming back to is that we can't.  If we are truly looking to gain any sort of close relationship with anyone, a friend, a family member, a potential significant other, we open ourselves to the possibility of pain, of being hurt.  It's going to happen.  We're humans.  We hurt each other.  And while we can be discerning in relationships, we're not perfect.  Caring about anyone opens you to the possibility of pain.

What we do with that pain is incredibly important though.

Are we trying to quiet the hurt and pain with something that the world offers?  Or are we running to Jesus?  Because he gets it.  He so gets relational pain.  And that's really what I was struck with over the last couple of weeks.

If anyone understands the pain of a relationship rejection, it's God.

He created us in the Garden of Eden because it gave him pleasure.  He created us for a relationship with him.  But we rebelled.  We decided that we knew best.  And our relationship with God was fractured. And it caused God's heart pain.  By creating us he had opened himself up to the possibility of rejection, and we followed through with that rejection quite well.

But that's not the end of the story.  Because God wanted a restored relationship with us.  So he had a plan.  A plan that would cost him so much.  He sent his son.  And the response of the people to the son? Rejection.  To the point that they nailed him to the cross and killed him.  But I am so thankful for what Easter means. Because Jesus didn't stay dead. He conquered death and sin and made a way for us to once again have a relationship with God.  Yet, in doing that, God is still incredibly vulnerable.  He has opened himself up to rejection once again.  He will never force a relationship on anyone.  We have to choose to come to him.  And the choice of people to not have a relationship with him, breaks his heart.

God understands pain in relationships.

And who better to comfort us when we experience pain in our relationships?

Because here's what I think God also understands: By opening ourselves to others and the possibility of pain, we are also opening ourselves to the possibility of joy, and laughter, and love, and hope.  Without the possibility of pain, what meaning is there in any of these other things?  What do we have to compare them to?

What is a life full of acquaintances but no real meaningful relationships?

Please know my heart.  I am by no means saying to stay in friendships and dating relationships and other relationships that continually and consistently cause you pain and hurt. People who hurt you with no regard to the pain they continually inflict may need to play a much lesser role in your life, if they even play one at all.

What I am saying is this:

In any close relationship, pain is possible. Where we take that pain and what we do with it, matters. And Jesus gets it.  So cling to him.

And can I tell you something else?  Pain has a purpose.  The pain that we experience has a way of bringing us to the end of ourselves. To running to Jesus.  To being made more like him.  Pain has a way of growing us like nothing else.

Were there several months of the last 5-6 months that were incredibly painful and hard? Yes.  But looking back, I wouldn't change them. Because I see where I am now.  I see what God has done in my life.  Would I have ever chosen the pain of those months before going through them?



Nope. Not at all.  No way, Jose.  Not in a million years. (I can say this a bunch more ways if you'd like).

But I wouldn't change them.  I wouldn't change the nights spent in pain and heartache where I knew the only place to turn was Jesus.  And I wouldn't change the joy and hope and life that came at the end of the pain.  Because it was that much sweeter and more meaningful because of the pain. I would never choose pain.  But I am thankful for the way God uses painful events and circumstances to make me more like him.

Fighting the Crazy

There are days I feel downright crazy for doing what I'm currently doing. Even though I believe God is asking me to walk this walk, it seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom.  Or maybe I just think it does.  I told you, I feel downright crazy some days.

You know when I feel the most crazy?  When I spend too much time on what ifs.  When I spend too much time scrolling through the pithy quotes on Pinterest. When I spend too much time focusing on what I think everyone else would do in this situation.

And I realized something today... after spending 3 months feeling half insane (I'm not always the quickest learner)... I feel crazy because I'm taking my eyes off the one who matters: Jesus.  He is the one who has called me to walk this road.  And this road may not go on forever, but for right now, this is the road he has called me to walk. When I keep my eyes on him, I know I'm walking the way I'm supposed to walk.  When I let my eyes drift around to see what everyone else is thinking, I start feeling like I'm insane.

I don't like feeling crazy.

So I'm thankful for a God who keeps reminding me that right here, right now, he is asking me to trust him and walk this road not knowing how or where it will end. And I'm thankful that God has put friends in my life who when I start to feel crazy, remind me that I'm not.  That what I'm feeling is normal.  That as long as I'm following God, nothing else matters.  And that they'll support me as long as I believe God is asking me to walk this way.

And I spend a lot of time praying.  Praying that God will sync my heart with his for this walk. Praying that if God tells me to turn a corner and go down a different street that I'll have the courage to step out in obedience.  Praying that if God tells me to keep walking this same road I'll have the courage to trust and continue to obey him.

So right now, I'm going to keep praying and keep trusting and keep walking and fight to keep my eyes on the one who has called me to this road rather than on things that like to point out how crazy I am.  Because I like feeling at least a little sane.

Lead Me to the Rock

I've spent the last 3 months praying myself through the hard.  Asking God for a miracle.  Pleading with God for wisdom. Praying that my heart would be in sync with God's heart and that I'd have the courage to step out in obedience for whatever he asks.  And that's just the start of what I've been bringing to God.

Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of words to pray.  Not because I think God doesn't hear me or because I think I need to say certain words.  But because I've been praying the same things for the last 3 months.  I know God doesn't get tired of me coming to him with the same things over and over, but still, I've found myself running out of words lately.  Those moments when I just can't put thoughts together anymore. There have been moments where my prayer just consists of "Jesus, please." Those moments are when my heart is just completely overwhelmed with everything that is going on.

And in those moments I'm so thankful that God can see my heart and my brokenness and can put the words together that I can't.

Because "Jesus, please." gets the point across just as well as the much longer prayers I've prayed lately.  Sometimes I think it gets the point across even better.  Because that's the moment that I have nothing else left.  The moment I come completely to the end of myself.  The moment where I'm open to letting Jesus do whatever it takes.

And that's a really good place to be.

I haven't seen that miracle yet.  I might never see these specific prayers answered the way I want.

But I know.  I know God hears me.  I know he sees the hurt and the pain my heart has been in for the last 3 months.  I know he cares.  And I know he has a plan.

And so, I'll keep praying and keep trusting and keep hoping for this specific miracle until God tells me step back.

"...when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2b

The hard

I haven't written in awhile.  Partly because I'm not exactly sure what to write and partly because I'm not sure I know how to say what God keeps impressing on my heart.  But I'm going to give it a try.

These last couple of months have been HARD. Like lots of tears, long nights, and trouble laughing hard. Like I should have bought stock in Kleenex hard.  If I've been moody, depressed or distant with you, I'm sorry.  So sorry. I have so many emotions swirling around inside of me all the time that it's difficult to know which way is up and I know the people closest to me are taking the brunt of it.

Yes.  The last two and a half months have been hard.

But can I tell you what's good about the hard?

The hard brings out the people in your life who love you.  The prayers people have prayed.  The tears people have cried with me.  The hugs people have given.  The places to hide people have provided.  The sense of normalcy when everything else seems abnormal.  I would not have gotten through the last couple of months without my people.  I will not get through the next few months without my people.  The hard reminds me of who those people are.

The hard brings me closer to Jesus.  It forces me to my knees because I can't handle it on my own. It makes me pray more, read Jesus' words more, worship more.  It makes me trust him more.  Because as I have prayed for wisdom and discernment and to know which way to walk, I hear his voice.  It's not always loud.  It hasn't been easy.  But I know it's him.  I know he's saying, "Trust me."

The hard reminds me of how big my God is.  It puts children's songs running through my head to give me hope and encouragement.  It brings to mind Bible verse upon Bible verse that I've memorized about how God can do what I feel is impossible. About trusting him.  About resting in him.

This hard isn't going away yet.  I'll admit, there are days when I wonder why God hasn't let me walk away from this situation. I've even come pretty close a couple of times lately.  But every time I've gotten close to walking away from this hard, God has stopped me.  He's said, "Not yet.  Trust me." And so I do my best to trust.  And I cry and I pray and I hope and I get discouraged and I keep fighting and I pray and I figure out how to adjust my eyes back to Jesus and the cycle repeats itself about a million and one more times.

I don't know how this hard will ultimately end up.  I do know that right now, God is calling me to trust him with the hard.  And part of that trust, is trusting that God will show me when this specific season of hard is over... no matter how it ends.

I've found that I don't particularly like the hard.  I don't know many people who do.  But what I do like?  I like the results the hard produces.  I like the times I draw closer to Jesus.  I like seeing the people who love me support and love on me. I like knowing how big my God is. I like knowing that I can trust God, because he's a good God, who loves me and wants the absolute best for me.

This season of hard isn't easy, but I'm trusting that God will make it worth it.

Happy Re-Birthday #20

Today is my 20th "re-birthday". Today marks the decision that I made 20 years ago to follow Jesus.

It's been 20 years. 20 years of following Jesus, of running from Jesus, of good times, of hard times.  It's been 20 years with lots of changes.  I didn't fully understand 20 years ago what following Jesus meant.  What changes would happen.  What it would require.  But I understood enough to know I was a sinner who needed a savior.  And it's not a decision I regret.

And, as I've grown and come to understand more of what it means to follow Jesus, it's not a decision I take lightly.  My faith defines me.  Or at least I hope it does. My faith is the basis for the decisions I make and the way I live. And sometimes that's hard.  But even though it's not always easy, there's joy.  There's peace. There's hope.

Because I serve a big God.  A God who is the same yesterday, and today, and forever.  And while I may change and my circumstances may change, my God doesn't change.  His truth is still truth.  His love is still strong.  And he is still enough.

And that's why I've chosen him for 20 years.

Happy Re-birthday to me.

My best laid plans...

I like plans.  And structure.  And I like them a lot.

I like how they move you places and give you a framework to build on once you're there.  I like how they map out the future and give me concrete things to work towards.

But over the last couple of weeks, God's been teaching me that I need to leave the plans to him and enjoy the moment I'm in.  Because sometimes, I get so caught up in the future that I'm planning out that I forget about the present I'm living in.

And that's when I freak myself out.

Because I start thinking about things that are about 15 steps past the point I'm currently living and I realize I'm not ready for those steps.

And I have to stop and remind myself: I'm not ready because I'm not there yet and God is still working things out. And when I do get there I will be ready because God has gone before me and prepared the way.  And he's prepared me.

He will teach me what I need to know by the time I need to know it.  Not before.

He will show me the way to walk when it's time to walk it.  Not before.

He will put the experiences in my life I need to prepare me when it's time for the preparation.  Not before.

My job is simply to trust, learn, and enjoy the moment.  To trust that God's got this all figured out even when I don't.  To learn what he is teaching my heart in that moment.  And to sit back and watch him show off because these moments are going to prepare me for the next moments... and I don't want to miss that.

I'm not saying I'm throwing out all my plans.  Plans can be good.  They can give focus and purpose. They can form a vision and gather a team.  They can motivate a team to reach a goal.

But when I'm living too much in the future and trying to make plans that aren't ready to be made, that's when I need to take a step back and just watch God work.  That's when I need to trust.  And that's when I need to just enjoy the moment God has given me to live right now.

And that's when the freaking out stops and the peace and joy take over.

Words.

Words.

I love them.  They're how I make my living.  They're how I spend my free time... both devouring them in the form of books and creating with them in the form of this blog and journaling and a million other ways.

I don't know what it is about words that brings me such pleasure.

But there's something about specific words that just fit.

And as I look back over the last year, there are some very specific words that come to mind that have played an important role in my life.  Words that seem to have embodied what this year meant in my life.

And I want to share them with you.

Joy.

I don't know what it is about this word.  But I love it.  I can't get enough of it.  It's actually staring at me right now as I write this in the form of a Christmas decoration I have.

I think when you've lived life at points with very little or absolutely no joy and then walk through it to a time where there is laughter and peace and joy, that you realize you never want to go back.

Joy is contagious.  Joy is life-giving.  And joy is a choice.

Joy comes from choosing Jesus.  From choosing to serve others.  From choosing to trust that God has a plan and he knows what he's doing.

Joy is one of my favorite words right now.  If I'm not careful, I could seriously buy everything in the store with the word JOY on it.  I love the reminders around my home to choose joy.

Simplicity.

One of my favorite things lately is to turn on my Christmas tree lights, light a candle, maybe turn on one lamp, and just sit.  And think (because my brain literally never shuts off).  It's a time of quiet.  It's a time of peace.  And somehow, the word that comes to mind whenever I do this is simplicity.

More and more I'm finding joy in the small things.  The simple things.  A really good chocolate chip cookie.  Purple and white Christmas tree lights.  Yummy smelling candles.  Time to sit and reflect. Simple prayers.  A mug of vanilla chai tea.  Time with people I love.  Amazing hugs.  A song on repeat.

The simple things often mean the most to me.  I don't want lavish things.  I much prefer things that let me know you know me.  That you were thinking of me.  Simple, but meaningful.

Quiet Strength.

Yes.  I realize this is two words put together.  But I love them together.  Quiet strength isn't strength that's in your face.  It's the strength that comes out when you think you're about to break.  It's the strength that people don't see until they think you're going to break.

It's not a strength that always has to have its own way.  It's not a strength that demands.

It's a strength that gives everything it has.  It's a strength that considers the needs of others.  It's a strength that loves when it's really hard to love.  It's a strength that comes from time with Jesus, in his presence.

It's the kind of strength I want to have.  The kind that I'm constantly working on.

Words are powerful.  Words can breathe life.

There are so many words that I am in love with right now.  These are just a few that have stood out over the last year.  What are some words that have spoken to you over the last year?  Are they life-giving words?

Moments

There's a bunch of stuff I could be doing right now.

Instead I'm sitting here, typing, listening to Jesus music, spending time with Jesus and trying to process the last couple of days.

My heart is sad.

My heart is sad because there's this family who's pretty amazingly special to me.  This family is my family when I'm not with my actual family.  This is a family who I've grown with, loved with, laughed with, and been challenged with.

And I found out earlier this week that they'll be moving at least several hours away.

And that makes my heart sad because I'm going to miss them like crazy.  I love these people so much.

Some moments I'm okay.  When I'm with people, with them, I'm usually okay.  Mostly because I'm focused on making sure everyone else is okay and I'm keeping busy.  I'm too busy praying silently for other people as we hold each other to think about what my heart's feeling.

But I have my moments.

When someone says something sweet about this family.  When someone else starts crying.  When someone reaches in for a hug.  When I just stop and let myself think and process.

In those moments I turn into an emotional basket case of tears.  Like my friend said, it comes in waves. I'll be fine one minute and bawling the next.  Trying not to sob.  Like right now while I'm typing this.

It happens at strange times.  Like when I walked in the door tonight and started to make dinner.  I was grating cheese and just started sobbing.  Still not quite sure what set that bout of tears off.

But even in that moment of sobbing and grating cheese, my first instinct was that I needed some time with Jesus.  I needed to let him comfort my heart, pull me close and wipe my tears.  I needed him to speak truth and love to my heart.
And he has.

It's in these moments that he reminds me of his character.  That he is good.  That he is love.  That he is faithful.  And that I can trust him.

I honestly don't know how people deal with things when they don't have Jesus.  Because in those moments when I break down, it's not especially pretty.  But in even the tears, there's still hope.   There's still peace.  There's still the gentle whisper of God's love.

And in those whispers, God reminds me that his love travels many miles.  And the love that this family and I have for each other will travel many miles.  Distance won't change the love we have for each other.  It just may have to change the way that love is expressed. Vacations to see each other instead of every weekend.  Letters, texts, emails, and Skype dates instead of lunch dates, coffee dates, and sleep overs.  Still haven't found a replacement for the hugs yet though...I'll just have to stock up with as many as possible before they leave.

So basically, all this to say, I'm going to be sad.  And that's okay, because that means that I really love my friends and I'm going to miss them.  I'm going to be happy, because they're going to get to do awesome things where they're going and I'm going to get to do awesome things here.

And in all those moments, the happy and the sad, I'm going to run to Jesus.  Because he gets it.  He understands.  He knows.  And he gives some pretty awesome hugs too.  And my heart desperately needs them.

Blown away...

Some days God just blows me away.

When I write here, I enjoy checking the stats feature to see how many people have been reading.  Sometimes I'm blown away by the amount of page views after I post something.  And sometimes it seems like just a drop in the bucket.

The page views aren't why I write.  I write because God keeps teaching me things and this is how I process.  I write to make the thoughts stop tumbling around in my head.

No, the page views aren't why I write, but they are a small nudge from God reminding me that other people are going through the same things and I should keep writing.

Which brings me to today...

I got on here just to check the stats page.  I had no intentions of writing today and I haven't written since mid-November.

Which is why I was blown away.

On Friday I had 81 page views.

That may not seem like a lot to you, but there are days when I write something and I only get 25-35 page views.  Sometimes, if I post a few days in a row, during peak traffic hours, I can get that number up into the 80s/90s/100s... but that's rare.  So to see 81 page views on a day when I hadn't written, during a week that I hadn't written, and the previous post before that was mid-November was humbling and exciting and a bunch of other emotions that I haven't fully identified yet.

It was like God reminding me that I write for a reason.  It's not just for me.  Other people need to know who Jesus is and that He loves them.  Other people need to know God's grace and mercy.

And through this blog, I get to have a small part in that.

Blown away.

Happy 19th Re-Birthday to Me

I woke up this morning and as soon as I saw the date I knew the importance of the date.

Today is my 19th re-birthday.

Today is the 19th anniversary of the day I chose to follow Jesus.

And because of that, today is special.

All day today I've been reflecting on this last year of following Jesus.  It's had its up and downs for sure.  There have been times when I have not been completely faithful to the one I gave my heart and life to 19 years ago.  But there have been some really AWESOME times this year.  Times where Jesus has revealed his love for me, taught me more about him, and taught me more about myself and how he uniquely created me.

Some of my favorite moments from this last year are the times when I got to have conversations with people about Jesus and just love on people... even if they don't end up loving Jesus too.  Those have been the times that I have felt alive.  They've also been the times that bring me even closer to Jesus, because it never fails that, as I talk about what God is doing in my life with people who haven't chosen to follow Jesus, I find myself spending a lot of time in prayer.  For them, for me, for life.

So today, in the midst of my celebrating and reflection, I want to love on you and have a conversation about Jesus.  So pour the hot beverage of your choice and let's talk :-)

Someone asked me once why I believed in Jesus so strongly when I'm so young.  I really only had one answer.  Basically what it comes down to is that I've experienced God's grace and forgiveness in ways that I can't begin to describe.  After everything that I've done and everything I've gone through, Jesus is still the same.  And his love is still overwhelming.  I worked so hard to try and please people only to finally begin to realize that pleasing Jesus is the only one who matters.  I still screw things up royally... way more often than I care to admit.  But that's the truth.  I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be.

But there's another truth that I can't fully wrap my head around, but I know it's truth.  Jesus saw something in me.  He loved me even when I didn't see anything worth loving in myself.  He called me and told me I was his.  He chose me.  He adopted me into his family.  He calls me friend, daughter, beloved.

How could I not respond to a love like that? How could I not choose to follow Jesus when I've experienced that kind of love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy?

That's what today is about.  It's not about celebrating me and a decision I made.  It's about celebrating Jesus.  It's about celebrating that he chose me and he loves me.  He loved me enough to die for me.  And he loves me enough to continue making me into his woman.  It's about celebrating and remembering what Jesus has done in me and through me.

And it's a time of hope that, one day, each of you will experience that love.

I'm serious about the hot beverage and a chat too.  I'd love to have conversations with any of you... even if you don't agree with me.  We can talk via text, Skype, Facebook, email, in person, or even by carrier pigeon if you prefer.

So are you up for it?  Are you willing to have a conversation?

Redeeming Dates

I have this thing about dates.  As in, days on the calendar kind of dates.

I remember birthdays, anniversaries, and other "important" dates easily.

Most of the time, this is a good thing.  Sometimes it's a hard thing.

Dates that have good times and memories associated with them are fantastic to remember.

But then there's the other kind of dates.  The dates seared in my mind because they weren't so happy.  And sometimes I don't know how I'm going handle that date until I'm there.

Sometimes I wish my brain wasn't so good at remembering dates.  There are some dates that I wish I could wipe the significance of out of my mind.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy a day without thinking about the significance of the date.  I may be far past the hurt that happened, but every time the date rolls around, I know what it signifies.

Today's one of those days.  One of those days where the date has some previous hurt attached to it.  And I'm doing okay.  But part of me wishes this day didn't hold any significance... that nothing would trigger when I look at the calendar.

But that's not the case.

I do remember the date.  And I remember the hurt.  And I remember the pain of that day two years ago.

But God's teaching me something.

He's reminding me that I don't live there anymore.

He's reminding me of the healing that he's done in my life since then.

He's reminding me of the laughter I've shared since then.

He's reminding me that he is the redeemer of my days.

Two years ago, I wouldn't have thought that was possible.  But now?

Now I know.

I know God heals.

I know God redeems.

I know God has a plan and a purpose for everything.

I know God loves to hear me laugh.

And I know he has redeemed this date.  This date is no longer one that signals pain, hurt, and heartache, but is instead a date that reminds me of true friendship, laughter, healing, and God's promises and care.

"This is what the Lord says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow." Isaiah 48:17

25

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday.

Though if you ask the waitress at our favorite local restaurant, I look 15.  And if you ask her mom, the owner, I look about 20.

I think it's funny.

But with tomorrow being my 26th birthday, I've decided to take some time and reflect on this last night of being 25.  And I've chosen to do that with all of you.

25 was a fabulous year in many ways.  It started off with a birthday trip to Greenfield Village, a home inspection, church, and dinner with some great friends who are so dear to my heart.

God was bringing me out of a year that, while filled with good times and healing, was also incredibly difficult.

And 25 was a year where God continued to heal my heart.  It's been a year that's just been good.  Fun.  Joy-filled.

Yes, there have still been days that have been full of frustration and annoyances, but looking back, it's been a year of blessings.

Material blessings: a new house, stuff for the house, Orlando vacation, and more.

Physical blessings: almost 20 lbs. lost, less headaches as I've starting cutting out processed foods, better health in general.

Relationship blessings: friends that are more like family, coworkers who are more like family, new friends, old friends, trips to see friends.

Spiritual blessings: growing closer to Jesus, letting God show me who he created me to be, talking with friends about Jesus, about what Jesus is doing in my life, about what he is or could be doing in their lives, watching people grow closer to Jesus... even if they don't always realize that they're getting closer to Jesus.

25 has been a good year.  Lots of good memories.  Lots of joyous laughter.  Lots of being who God made me to be.  Lots of life lived fully.

I can only imagine what 26 will bring.

Lonely

This is one of those blog posts that is going to be hard to press publish on.  This is one of those blog posts that something deep within me is screaming, "Don't write it! Don't be that open and vulnerable. Don't let people in."  And yet, these are the posts that God uses the most in my own life.  These are the posts that bring healing to my heart and help stop the numerous thoughts swirling in my head on a daily basis.

So here I am.  Typing away.  Working up the nerve to tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now.

And it's not easy.  But I know in the end it will be worth it.  So here it goes...

I'm different.  I don't feel like I fit in most of the time.  I'm not normal (whatever normal is anyway...).

And that often leaves me feeling very lonely.

In all honesty, I'm usually okay with being different, with being smart, following Jesus, and being who he created me to be.

I LIKE me.

But then I have days where it's all just very overwhelming.  Where I just wish I could relate to people better.  Where I just wish that being different wasn't so hard.

It's not a new feeling.

In elementary school, I was different.  I was smart.  I liked school.  I liked my teachers.  I liked doing the right thing.  And all of that made me different... and it made it difficult to make friends.

I liked hanging out with the adults.  There was less drama.  Less cattiness.  Less chance I was going to get picked on.

Don't get me wrong.  I still had friends my own age.  But I had very few friends and I could count on one hand the number of people I would have considered a close friend who I went to school with.

These feelings didn't stop there.  I wasn't your typical teen.  I hated roller coasters, had no desire to stay up all night long or really even that late, thought video games were pointless (probably because I wasn't good at them), was homeschooled, and had pretty strict standards about the types of media I would let myself watch/listen to (some of them self imposed, some of them parental restrictions).

None of that would I change.  That's what made me, me.  But it made it difficult to connect.  I had a close group of friends, but they weren't always at activities and I found myself, once again, gravitating to the adults in my life.

Now I am an adult and the feelings haven't stopped.  There's a running saying at my office about whether or not something is "Holly-appropriate".  Most days I actually really appreciate my coworkers working to protect me from what they consider inappropriate based on what I believe.  I know they really are trying to protect me, and since my coworkers are family at this point, I love them for it.  I work hard to find points of connection with them outside of what they deem as "not-Holly-appropriate".  It's why you'll find football games on inside my house when I'm pretty indifferent towards the game.  It's why, when I finally have 2-3 people tell me a certain movie is "Holly-appropriate", I do a little research and make an effort to watch it.  It's why I look at cat pictures and share recipes and send English/writing jokes back and forth.  It's why I'll go to the bar with them and drink pop while we all just talk.

That's most days.

And then there are the days when I just want to say, "Screw it.  I don't want to be different anymore.  I just want to fit in.  I don't care if things are 'Holly-appropriate' or not, I just want to be normal for once in my life. I want to not have to ask if something is a movie quote or from a TV show or a pop culture reference that just completely went over my head.  I want to not feel like the odd man out, alone, and lonely."

And usually after the mini-tantrum/pity party I throw, I get my head screwed back on straight and I realize I do care if something is "Holly-appropriate" or not.  I do care what I put into my mind and body.  I do want to be different.  Because I'm following Jesus, and that requires me to be different.  It means my life should look different.  My life should be more love-filled, hope-filled, joy-filled, and peace-filled.  And part of how I get it that way is to live differently.

But it doesn't always change that last sentence.

I still get tired of feeling lonely.

Of feeling like the odd man out.

Of feeling like no one quite understands all the thoughts constantly swirling around in my head.

Of feeling like I'm the only one who chooses to live like this, to follow Jesus.

But that's not the reaction I need to have.

Because Jesus gets it.


Jesus got lonely.

No one quite understood the thoughts swirling around in his head constantly.

There were probably pop culture references he just did not get.

And if it's not "Holly-appropriate", can just imagine the things people wouldn't tell Jesus because it wasn't "Jesus-appropriate"?

So instead of throwing myself a pity party accompanied by a class A tantrum because I feel left out and lonely, what if I turned to Jesus, spilled my guts to him, and let him comfort me?  Let him show me that I'm not alone?  And that his truth is greater than my feelings?

Because that's the truth: Jesus gets it.  Jesus will never leave me or forsake me.  And the truth and how I feel aren't always in sync... I'd rather trust the truth.

So today I'm going to try something different.  I'm going to run to Jesus.  I'm going to embrace what makes me different.  I'm going to keep choosing to live following Jesus.  I'm going to keep loving the people around me.  And I'm going to be thankful that God put people in my life who care enough to warn me and protect me when something's not "Holly-appropriate".

Not Quite Normal...

Today was a day of firsts.

It was the first time I had a house guest.

It was the first time I was late to work.

It was the first time I called 911.

It was the first time I had an ambulance in my driveway and a firetruck parked in front of my house.

It was the first time I've had on duty first responders in my house.

And I thought it was going to be a semi normal morning...

My best friend flew in yesterday because her little brother is getting married this weekend.  Since we hadn't seen each other in a couple of months and our work schedules hadn't allowed for a Skype date since the last time she was in town in May, she decided to spend the night at my house when she got in.  She wanted to see what I'd done with the place since the last time she saw it was the day I closed on the house.

Everything seemed normal.  She arrived; we ate a fabulous dinner of roast beef, mashed potatoes, and green beans from Aurora's Family Restaurant; we stayed up for a couple hours catching up and talking.  Normal stuff we do every time we're together.

Then we went to bed.

Normally I get up at 5 AM, go to the gym, get ready at the gym and head to work.  And by get up at 5 AM, I mean stumble around my house, grab my gym bag and work stuff and head out the door where hopefully an accelerated heart rate at the gym means I'm awake by the time work rolls around.

Since my best friend had spent the night, and I knew we would likely stay up talking, I set my alarm for an hour later, told my sister I wasn't going to the gym, and went to bed.

It was fairly normal.

This morning my alarm went off.  I stumbled around for a few minutes only half awake and then hopped in the shower... okay so it was more like dragged myself into the shower hopping to wake up.  In case you haven't figured it out, I'm not a morning person.... or a night owl... I just really like sleep.

But I digress.

I got out of the shower and went to walk back across the house to finish getting ready for work.

That's when things became decidedly abnormal.

As I headed down the hallway, I heard a noise in my living room.  My best friend was on the couch and at first I thought she was sobbing.  Then I heard the words, "My chest hurts and I'm having shortness of breath" come out of her mouth while she was breathing rapidly.

Somehow I stayed calm.  I still don't know how that happened.

Short digression.... There is a reason I did not go into the medical field... actually there are several reasons.  Among them are blood, needles, and sick people... I don't normally handle any of them well.

So I did what any normal person would do at 6:20 AM... I turned on the light so I could see in the house.

Then she told me to call 911.  And that's when I really knew she wasn't feeling well.

So I calmly called 911.  And then I calmly called her mother.  And then I calmly called my mom.  And then I opened the door so I could see when the emergency vehicles arrived.  And then I let the firefighters in while my hair was still up in a towel and I was still in my bathrobe.

And I was still calm.

I will admit, I looked away when they stuck the needle for the IV in her arm... they didn't need two patients to work on.

By the time they took her away in the ambulance, she was starting to feel a little better.  I called a couple more people to let them know which hospital they were taking her to and then finally got dressed.  I grabbed my stuff for work, texted my boss that I would be late, and headed up to the hospital.

I saw her for a few minutes at the hospital, told her she should feel privileged that I was there since I HATE hospitals, and left her in the capable hands of her parents while I headed off to work.

Where I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes to decompress.

The doctor ended up attributing it to something like a panic attack and she was released from the hospital before lunch.

But there are a couple of things I need to point out in this story.  Ways that I see God's hand so clearly in everything.  So bear with me, because I'm going to make a list.  Because I really like lists.

1. I didn't go to the gym.

My normal routine is to head to the gym.  God, in his wisdom, said, "You're going to stay up later than normal talking and decide not to go to the gym in the morning."  If I had gone to the gym like normal, I wouldn't have been home when this happened.  I would have been getting ready to hit the showers at the gym.  That's a God thing.

2.  I live 5 minutes from the hospital.

My friend's family is a lot farther north than I am.  If she had been at home, she would not have been nearly as close to the hospital as she was at my house.  The decision to stay at my house was a spur of the moment idea late last week.  That's a God thing.

3. I was coherent.

Normally, even after a morning shower, it takes me a little while to wake up.  I was awake and alert enough to do what needed to be done in the moment.  That's a total God thing.

4.  I still had her parents' home phone number in my phone from when we were growing up... that's a God thing.

5. I remained calm.

Since I normally don't deal with medical stuff well... well, that's for sure a God thing.

6.  She's perfectly okay.

Do I really need to say it?  Okay... GOD THING.

7.  I had a quiet day at work.

There was no drama.  There were no fires to put out.  There were happy people not crabby people.  There was laughter.  There was computer work that I could just put headphones in and work on.  And after the last few weeks, that, my friends, was a God thing.  Because I needed to decompress and be quiet and be still.

I am seriously amazed at how God works.  The little ways that he constantly shows up.  The ways that he changes our routines and normalcy ahead of time in order to provide. And I'm thankful for the way he reminds me to look at the little things, to take time and reflect, and to see what He has accomplished.

Aching Heart

I contemplated not writing this blog post.  It would be easy to never press publish, but that would defeat one of the purposes that I have for this blog: to let you see how I'm growing in Jesus and who I am in him.  It's a place for me to be completely honest.

Sometimes that's easier said then done.

Okay, so here it is:

Right now, at this stage in my life, I have a love/hate relationship with wedding showers, weddings, and baby showers.

Don't get me wrong.  If you are getting married or having a baby and I know you and love you, I am genuinely excited and happy for you.

But it still makes my heart ache a bit.

Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be married a man who loves Jesus, me, and his family.  I've wanted kids running around my house.

And, as I sit here, listening to the thunderstorms outside, I still don't have that.

I want you to understand something: I LOVE my life.  I love my job. I love my family and friends.  I love the stage I'm living.

But sometimes my heart still aches.

And as my Facebook feed fills up with engagements, weddings, and baby bumps, it's been aching a little more than normal lately.

It's not that I'm not happy for you.  Actually, I'm ecstatic! I will be the one crying tears of joy as you walk down the aisle because I am so happy to see God's blessings in your life.  I will be one of the first people in line to hold and cuddle your newborn after telling you how precious he/she is.  I will be the one rejoicing over how good God is with you as we celebrate his blessings.

And then, when I take a step back, my heart will start to ache a little bit.

The reason my heart will start to ache is because God has planted desires in my heart for marriage and a family... but his timing isn't quite yet.

It's taken me some time, but I've finally figured out what to do with my aching heart.  I used to just throw a full blown pity party for myself for a few days... moping around, asking God why it wasn't my turn yet.

But, just in the past couple of weeks, I realized I've been doing something different lately.  In all honesty, I'm not sure how long I've been doing it but the realization came just this weekend.

When my heart is aching, I run to Jesus.

I don't run to him asking when it's going to be my turn and moping about.

I run to him so he can remind me of his promises.  Soothe my heart.  Speak truth into my life.  Fill me with himself.  And make me more like him.

Instead of praying and asking God for a husband right here and now with little concern about whether or not I'm even ready to be married, I search the Bible waiting for God to speak to my heart.

And he does.  It never fails that time with Jesus is what I need.

Time to remember that Jesus is really the only one who can fill me.  Who can complete me.  Who can fulfill my desire to be loved unconditionally.

Because even once I'm married, that's not going to change.  Jesus is still going to be the only one who can do that.  He's still going to be the only one who can hold and heal my aching heart.

There are days when it's difficult to not mope.  There are days when I still mope.  But I'm slowly starting to recognize that the ache in my heart that I've hated for so long because it reminds me of what I don't physically have yet, is really a reminder to run to Jesus.  It's really a Holy Spirit prompting to spend time reminding myself of who God is.

I'm not perfect.  I don't have this all figured out.  It's taken me 25 years to figure out that the ache in my heart is an opportunity to pursue Jesus.  And I know I'll have days when I'll forget that that's what the ache means.  But today I remembered.  Today I ran to Jesus and my heart is again at peace.  It is again content.

Because I know Jesus' love for me.

Did I cry a bit as I wrote this? Yep.  Because those 10 year old dreams of the marriage and kids, not the wedding day, are still there.  But there's hope.  Because my God is a good God.  He doesn't plant desires in my heart just sit back and laugh as they go unfulfilled.  He has a plan.  He loves me.  And He is good.

So please, don't stop inviting me to your wedding showers, weddings, and baby showers.  Don't stop posting your engagement ring pictures, wedding pictures and baby bump pictures on Facebook.  And please, don't think I'm not happy for you.  Because I am.  So happy.

God's just still working on me: teaching me to run to him in everything.

^" When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." 

Ephesians 3:14-20 

Reflection

I wasn't going to write tonight.

In fact, I should have been in bed already if I want to go to the gym tomorrow... we'll see if I can get moving in time now.

But as I was turning off lights and closing doors and windows in my house, something prompted me to check my blog stats.  If I'm writing, I usually check them once a day but I had family from out of town over for dinner and to see my new house and never got to it tonight.  That is, until a few minutes ago.

And as I checked my blog stats to see how many people have been reading and what they've been reading lately, I noticed someone, or several someones, have been reading some of the older posts on my blog.  Not super old.  They probably still pop up on the first page since I took a super long hiatus from blogging, but they're old to me.

So much life has been lived since then.

And it made me reflect.

Some of the posts that popped up were from a tremendously difficult season of life.  It was a season that only God got me through and you all were able to experience parts of through this blog.   My cousin's 5 1/2 month old baby passed away.  My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me.  And I had just celebrated my birthday which is normally fabulous but felt completely empty that year.

It was hard.

There's really no other words to describe it.  But in reality, it was harder than hard.  And so I reflected tonight on where God has brought me and the joy I now have in my life because I'm living to follow him more than I did back then.

I reflected on the fact that God is good.  My cousin is 7 months pregnant again (that's who I just saw tonight).  And we couldn't be more thrilled for this new little baby boy soon to show up.  We will always miss Jared and this little one will never take his place, but he's a blessing from God.  He's a reminder of God's goodness even in the difficult times.

I reflected on the peace, contentment, and joy I have in my life now.  When I was dumped, I was depressed for a solid month and in and out of depression for several more after.  I can remember exactly where I was the first time I truly laughed again.  I can remember coming out of that fog and seeing and knowing that God was still good in EVERYTHING.  And I can remember coming to realize that God's plans are best and it wouldn't have been a good idea at all to stay in that relationship.

I looked back and I saw how God is writing my story.  I looked back and saw his faithfulness.  I saw his mercy.  His grace.  His tender love.

I saw God's fingerprints on every part of my life and everything that he's brought me through.

Reflection is good for the soul.  Because of what God has done in the past, I know I can trust him with the future.  There's a song that we've been singing at church lately called "I will look up" by Elevation Worship and there's a couple lines that go like this:

I will look up, for there is none above you

I will bow down, to tell you that I need you

Jesus, Lord of all

I will look back, and see that you are faithful

I'll look ahead, believing you are able

Jesus, Lord of all

Jesus, Lord of all

Really the whole song is worth quoting and it's one of my favorite ones right now... but how true!  I look back and see that God has been faithful and because of that that I believe that he is able to accomplish more than I could ever imagine.

What has God brought you through?  Have you taken time to reflect lately?

Joy

Laughter is so healing.

I've seen this many times in my own life over the last few years... and with a rough season at work right now, I'm realizing the truth of God's word once again:

Proverbs 17:22
"A cheerful heart is good medicine..."

This morning I was cheerful at work... and people noticed the difference.  If they noticed me being cheerful, then what have I been the past few weeks?

One of the reasons I've always loved my job is because laughter abounds... there is nothing better than coming to work, getting done what needs to get done, and laughing while doing it.  I love the people I work with.

But lately, tensions and stress has been higher than normal.  Laughter happens less and less.  And it's wearying.  Quality suffers, productivity suffers, tempers become short and memories become long.  It's not healthy.

The second part of that verse is "...but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

That's what's happening right now.

But here's the deal.  Here's where God is speaking to my heart.

In Jesus, I have hope, joy and peace.

I don't have to have a crushed spirit.  I get to choose to be filled with joy.  My coworkers should look at me and think that I'm 100% insane because of the hope and joy I have.  It shouldn't be something to notice when I'm walking around with a big smile on my face, laughing, and just happy.

Choosing joy isn't easy.  In fact, sometimes it seems down right impossible.  But with God all things are possible.

And choosing joy is worth it.

That's what I'm working on today... choosing joy even in the midst of complete chaos.  Because He is peace.  He is hope. He is JOY.

Starbursts, headaches, and Jesus

I ate a starburst today.

For most of you, that might not seem like a big deal.  But for me, it was.  Let me explain.

Over the past 7 or so months I've been on a health journey to eliminate processed foods out of my life because I've found that I'm allergic to pretty much anything processed... specifically MSG.  It's not like my throat closes up or anything like that, but I get fairly severe headaches, my heart races, and I become really fatigued if I eat something that I shouldn't.

So today, when a coworker offered me a starburst, I took it.  I debated for a few minutes about whether or not it was a good idea, but it looked good and I was feeling frustrated with not getting the work I needed to get done finished because I has been problem solving all morning.

And then I got the headache.  From eating one lousy starburst.  The worst part is that, if I'm being honest, it didn't even taste that good.

And while I was thinking about what a stupid decision it was to eat that starburst while I was doing dinner dishes, God started nudging my heart.

That starburst seemed so small.  So insignificant.  Too often I make choices like that in my walk with Jesus.

I choose something small.  Something inconspicuous.  Something that doesn't seem like that big of deal.

But it is.  Before I know it, I have a sin sized head ache that is making it nearly impossible to function in a normal capacity.

A small choice that becomes crippling.

Sure, there are "band aid" fixes.  Just like when I ate the starburst and then a half hour later was reaching for the ibuprofen.  I can put up safeguards, be careful, and vow to do better.

But, in the end, they're just band aid fixes.

They don't offer any long term relief.

They don't get at the real problem: My heart. My desires.  My idols.

But Jesus isn't a band aid fix.  He offers real freedom.  Freedom from sin headaches from seemingly insignificant choices.

That's why I need Jesus.  That's why I need his forgiveness everyday.  That's why I need his grace.  That's why I need Jesus to change my heart, my desires, and to take control of my life.

I'm sure there will be plenty of other "starbursts" in my life, where I make a choice to sin in what may seem insignificant at the time, but turns into a significant break in my relationship with Jesus.

But it's in those times that I'm thankful that I can turn to Jesus.  I don't have to reach for a band aid fix.  I have a Jesus who heals.  A Jesus who restores my relationship with him.  A Jesus who forgives and works with me to change my heart so that my desires match his desires.

So much better than a band aid or ibuprofen.

Baptism Hope

100 (or so) people publicly declaring that they'll follow Jesus.

That's what I got to witness today.  Today I saw my cousin, young kids, whole families, engaged couples, and adults choose to tell everyone that they're following Jesus now.  Today I saw people who have been endlessly prayed for, loved on, and spoken truth to follow Jesus' example in baptism.

Baptism weekends are always emotional for me.

I love them so much.

Watching people declare that they're following Jesus does something to my heart strings.  It moves me in ways that I don't have words for.  And normally, as a writer, I have nothing but words.

But it does more than just move me.  It gives me hope.

Hope that the people I am praying daily for to know Jesus will one day be up there being baptized.

Hope that the people I am loving on with Jesus' love will one day be up there declaring their love for Jesus.

Hope that the people I have spoken God's truth to will one day be up there speaking the truth of what God has done in their lives.

I may not have words to explain what is happening in my heart right now, but I have hope.  I have Jesus.

Recovering Perfectionist

It's been awhile since I've written, I know.  Sometimes staring at a computer screen for hours a day at work makes it difficult to come home and write here.  But I'm back tonight and that's what matters :-)

You know what's really hard?  Having to take your own advice that you've given over and over again. We had a quality issue at work this past week and I had a choice to make:  I could either choose to look at it as a learning experience or I could continue to beat myself up about the fact that the error happened and wasn't caught until it ended up costing a boatload of money.  I preach the former ALL the time.  I remind people and students that I've taught that mistakes are times of learning.  That failure is part of life.  That success can't come unless failure happens.

But in all honesty, part of me hates that.

I struggle with being a perfectionist.  Some days being a perfectionist is a really good thing.  It means I strive to produce high quality work and work hard in order to ensure that happens.  As someone who's job is to help ensure quality and accuracy of vehicle owner's manuals, that's important.

But there's a flip side.

It means I don't like to fail.

It means I hate to fail.

It means I hate to fall flat on my face when others are depending on my work.

And that's not okay.

Because if I live my entire life striving to be perfect and hating failure and weakness, what was the point of Jesus coming to earth, dying for the sins I commit on a daily basis, coming back to life?

If I was perfect I wouldn't need Jesus.

And, quite frankly, I think I hate that more than I hate failing.

I NEED Jesus.  Everyday I think I realize just a little more how much I need him.  I need him because I can't do this myself.  I can't carry the weight and burden of being perfect.  I can't live carrying the stress of what one little mistake means.

Because of Jesus, I can have a relationship with the Father.  That's not possible on my own.

Because of Jesus, I don't carry the burden of my failures.  Jesus takes them on himself.

Because of Jesus, I get to live in FREEDOM.  I don't have to be shackled by the burden of trying to be perfect.

None of this means that I don't strive for excellence.  That I don't strive to obey Jesus.  That I can just do whatever I want.

What this does mean is that I don't have to live in the chains of perfection.  What this means is that I can't earn God's love or lose God's love because of what I do or don't do.  What this means is that Jesus already did everything for me.  What this means is that I choose to honor God with my choices and life.

What this means is that when I fall flat on my face (not if, but when), Jesus is there to pick me up, brush me off, hold me close, and help me continue running the race.

When I twist my knee during a 5k in my spiritual life (like last weekend in real life), Jesus is there.  His love makes me want to obey him.  His care makes me want to serve him.

Perfection becomes less of the goal and honoring God because of what he's done for me takes it's place.

With love from a recovering perfectionist,
Holly

PS- Do you choose to learn from mistakes? Are you struggling to let God teach you?  I'd love to hear your stories about how God is teaching you to break the chains of perfectionism and rely on him for everything!  Share them in the comments below :-)