The possibility of pain

I recently spent some time in Florida.  The beaches, the sun, the warmth, the sand, the amount of books I was able to read, was good for my soul.  I was able to spend some time with my younger sister who lives down there and I managed to sneak some time in with a friend who happens to live in the same city as my sister.  It was amazing.  I've now been plunged back into Michigan's bipolar spring (you would think I would be used to this having lived here my entire life) and am missing the afternoons spent outside with a book in hand.

But I had a conversation with my friend while I was down in Florida and it's been running around my head now for the last week and a half.  So I decided to come here and share what God's been impressing on my heart as I've been reflecting.

To understand the context of this conversation, you have to know what my life has been like over the last 5 months.  I'm going to give you the cliff notes version, okay?

In early November, right before my birthday, the guy I was dating broke up with me.  There were some circumstances surrounding the break up that made me question the timing.  We had a couple conversations and I told him that I believed God was telling me to fight for him.  And I did.  For 3.5 months.  Until it became crystal clear that I could stop fighting and move on.  So about 1.5 months ago I started reentering life and truly enjoying every moment again.  There's a lot more details I'm obviously leaving out, but that's not the main point of this post.  Basically you need to know, I wasn't expecting the break-up and felt blind-sided.  It sucked. It hurt. It was painful.  But can I share something?  God is really good at this healing thing.

Why did you need to know this?  Because this was the conversation that my friend and I were having. But it was her comment about all of this that made me pause and has caused me to continue processing over the past week or so.  Her comment was about how no one saw this coming and wondering how we keep it from happening again in the future.

And while we talked about different ways that we can be discerning about who we are in a relationship with, the answer that I kept coming back to is that we can't.  If we are truly looking to gain any sort of close relationship with anyone, a friend, a family member, a potential significant other, we open ourselves to the possibility of pain, of being hurt.  It's going to happen.  We're humans.  We hurt each other.  And while we can be discerning in relationships, we're not perfect.  Caring about anyone opens you to the possibility of pain.

What we do with that pain is incredibly important though.

Are we trying to quiet the hurt and pain with something that the world offers?  Or are we running to Jesus?  Because he gets it.  He so gets relational pain.  And that's really what I was struck with over the last couple of weeks.

If anyone understands the pain of a relationship rejection, it's God.

He created us in the Garden of Eden because it gave him pleasure.  He created us for a relationship with him.  But we rebelled.  We decided that we knew best.  And our relationship with God was fractured. And it caused God's heart pain.  By creating us he had opened himself up to the possibility of rejection, and we followed through with that rejection quite well.

But that's not the end of the story.  Because God wanted a restored relationship with us.  So he had a plan.  A plan that would cost him so much.  He sent his son.  And the response of the people to the son? Rejection.  To the point that they nailed him to the cross and killed him.  But I am so thankful for what Easter means. Because Jesus didn't stay dead. He conquered death and sin and made a way for us to once again have a relationship with God.  Yet, in doing that, God is still incredibly vulnerable.  He has opened himself up to rejection once again.  He will never force a relationship on anyone.  We have to choose to come to him.  And the choice of people to not have a relationship with him, breaks his heart.

God understands pain in relationships.

And who better to comfort us when we experience pain in our relationships?

Because here's what I think God also understands: By opening ourselves to others and the possibility of pain, we are also opening ourselves to the possibility of joy, and laughter, and love, and hope.  Without the possibility of pain, what meaning is there in any of these other things?  What do we have to compare them to?

What is a life full of acquaintances but no real meaningful relationships?

Please know my heart.  I am by no means saying to stay in friendships and dating relationships and other relationships that continually and consistently cause you pain and hurt. People who hurt you with no regard to the pain they continually inflict may need to play a much lesser role in your life, if they even play one at all.

What I am saying is this:

In any close relationship, pain is possible. Where we take that pain and what we do with it, matters. And Jesus gets it.  So cling to him.

And can I tell you something else?  Pain has a purpose.  The pain that we experience has a way of bringing us to the end of ourselves. To running to Jesus.  To being made more like him.  Pain has a way of growing us like nothing else.

Were there several months of the last 5-6 months that were incredibly painful and hard? Yes.  But looking back, I wouldn't change them. Because I see where I am now.  I see what God has done in my life.  Would I have ever chosen the pain of those months before going through them?



Nope. Not at all.  No way, Jose.  Not in a million years. (I can say this a bunch more ways if you'd like).

But I wouldn't change them.  I wouldn't change the nights spent in pain and heartache where I knew the only place to turn was Jesus.  And I wouldn't change the joy and hope and life that came at the end of the pain.  Because it was that much sweeter and more meaningful because of the pain. I would never choose pain.  But I am thankful for the way God uses painful events and circumstances to make me more like him.

My best laid plans...

I like plans.  And structure.  And I like them a lot.

I like how they move you places and give you a framework to build on once you're there.  I like how they map out the future and give me concrete things to work towards.

But over the last couple of weeks, God's been teaching me that I need to leave the plans to him and enjoy the moment I'm in.  Because sometimes, I get so caught up in the future that I'm planning out that I forget about the present I'm living in.

And that's when I freak myself out.

Because I start thinking about things that are about 15 steps past the point I'm currently living and I realize I'm not ready for those steps.

And I have to stop and remind myself: I'm not ready because I'm not there yet and God is still working things out. And when I do get there I will be ready because God has gone before me and prepared the way.  And he's prepared me.

He will teach me what I need to know by the time I need to know it.  Not before.

He will show me the way to walk when it's time to walk it.  Not before.

He will put the experiences in my life I need to prepare me when it's time for the preparation.  Not before.

My job is simply to trust, learn, and enjoy the moment.  To trust that God's got this all figured out even when I don't.  To learn what he is teaching my heart in that moment.  And to sit back and watch him show off because these moments are going to prepare me for the next moments... and I don't want to miss that.

I'm not saying I'm throwing out all my plans.  Plans can be good.  They can give focus and purpose. They can form a vision and gather a team.  They can motivate a team to reach a goal.

But when I'm living too much in the future and trying to make plans that aren't ready to be made, that's when I need to take a step back and just watch God work.  That's when I need to trust.  And that's when I need to just enjoy the moment God has given me to live right now.

And that's when the freaking out stops and the peace and joy take over.

Words.

Words.

I love them.  They're how I make my living.  They're how I spend my free time... both devouring them in the form of books and creating with them in the form of this blog and journaling and a million other ways.

I don't know what it is about words that brings me such pleasure.

But there's something about specific words that just fit.

And as I look back over the last year, there are some very specific words that come to mind that have played an important role in my life.  Words that seem to have embodied what this year meant in my life.

And I want to share them with you.

Joy.

I don't know what it is about this word.  But I love it.  I can't get enough of it.  It's actually staring at me right now as I write this in the form of a Christmas decoration I have.

I think when you've lived life at points with very little or absolutely no joy and then walk through it to a time where there is laughter and peace and joy, that you realize you never want to go back.

Joy is contagious.  Joy is life-giving.  And joy is a choice.

Joy comes from choosing Jesus.  From choosing to serve others.  From choosing to trust that God has a plan and he knows what he's doing.

Joy is one of my favorite words right now.  If I'm not careful, I could seriously buy everything in the store with the word JOY on it.  I love the reminders around my home to choose joy.

Simplicity.

One of my favorite things lately is to turn on my Christmas tree lights, light a candle, maybe turn on one lamp, and just sit.  And think (because my brain literally never shuts off).  It's a time of quiet.  It's a time of peace.  And somehow, the word that comes to mind whenever I do this is simplicity.

More and more I'm finding joy in the small things.  The simple things.  A really good chocolate chip cookie.  Purple and white Christmas tree lights.  Yummy smelling candles.  Time to sit and reflect. Simple prayers.  A mug of vanilla chai tea.  Time with people I love.  Amazing hugs.  A song on repeat.

The simple things often mean the most to me.  I don't want lavish things.  I much prefer things that let me know you know me.  That you were thinking of me.  Simple, but meaningful.

Quiet Strength.

Yes.  I realize this is two words put together.  But I love them together.  Quiet strength isn't strength that's in your face.  It's the strength that comes out when you think you're about to break.  It's the strength that people don't see until they think you're going to break.

It's not a strength that always has to have its own way.  It's not a strength that demands.

It's a strength that gives everything it has.  It's a strength that considers the needs of others.  It's a strength that loves when it's really hard to love.  It's a strength that comes from time with Jesus, in his presence.

It's the kind of strength I want to have.  The kind that I'm constantly working on.

Words are powerful.  Words can breathe life.

There are so many words that I am in love with right now.  These are just a few that have stood out over the last year.  What are some words that have spoken to you over the last year?  Are they life-giving words?

Reflection

I wasn't going to write tonight.

In fact, I should have been in bed already if I want to go to the gym tomorrow... we'll see if I can get moving in time now.

But as I was turning off lights and closing doors and windows in my house, something prompted me to check my blog stats.  If I'm writing, I usually check them once a day but I had family from out of town over for dinner and to see my new house and never got to it tonight.  That is, until a few minutes ago.

And as I checked my blog stats to see how many people have been reading and what they've been reading lately, I noticed someone, or several someones, have been reading some of the older posts on my blog.  Not super old.  They probably still pop up on the first page since I took a super long hiatus from blogging, but they're old to me.

So much life has been lived since then.

And it made me reflect.

Some of the posts that popped up were from a tremendously difficult season of life.  It was a season that only God got me through and you all were able to experience parts of through this blog.   My cousin's 5 1/2 month old baby passed away.  My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me.  And I had just celebrated my birthday which is normally fabulous but felt completely empty that year.

It was hard.

There's really no other words to describe it.  But in reality, it was harder than hard.  And so I reflected tonight on where God has brought me and the joy I now have in my life because I'm living to follow him more than I did back then.

I reflected on the fact that God is good.  My cousin is 7 months pregnant again (that's who I just saw tonight).  And we couldn't be more thrilled for this new little baby boy soon to show up.  We will always miss Jared and this little one will never take his place, but he's a blessing from God.  He's a reminder of God's goodness even in the difficult times.

I reflected on the peace, contentment, and joy I have in my life now.  When I was dumped, I was depressed for a solid month and in and out of depression for several more after.  I can remember exactly where I was the first time I truly laughed again.  I can remember coming out of that fog and seeing and knowing that God was still good in EVERYTHING.  And I can remember coming to realize that God's plans are best and it wouldn't have been a good idea at all to stay in that relationship.

I looked back and I saw how God is writing my story.  I looked back and saw his faithfulness.  I saw his mercy.  His grace.  His tender love.

I saw God's fingerprints on every part of my life and everything that he's brought me through.

Reflection is good for the soul.  Because of what God has done in the past, I know I can trust him with the future.  There's a song that we've been singing at church lately called "I will look up" by Elevation Worship and there's a couple lines that go like this:

I will look up, for there is none above you

I will bow down, to tell you that I need you

Jesus, Lord of all

I will look back, and see that you are faithful

I'll look ahead, believing you are able

Jesus, Lord of all

Jesus, Lord of all

Really the whole song is worth quoting and it's one of my favorite ones right now... but how true!  I look back and see that God has been faithful and because of that that I believe that he is able to accomplish more than I could ever imagine.

What has God brought you through?  Have you taken time to reflect lately?

Joy

Laughter is so healing.

I've seen this many times in my own life over the last few years... and with a rough season at work right now, I'm realizing the truth of God's word once again:

Proverbs 17:22
"A cheerful heart is good medicine..."

This morning I was cheerful at work... and people noticed the difference.  If they noticed me being cheerful, then what have I been the past few weeks?

One of the reasons I've always loved my job is because laughter abounds... there is nothing better than coming to work, getting done what needs to get done, and laughing while doing it.  I love the people I work with.

But lately, tensions and stress has been higher than normal.  Laughter happens less and less.  And it's wearying.  Quality suffers, productivity suffers, tempers become short and memories become long.  It's not healthy.

The second part of that verse is "...but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

That's what's happening right now.

But here's the deal.  Here's where God is speaking to my heart.

In Jesus, I have hope, joy and peace.

I don't have to have a crushed spirit.  I get to choose to be filled with joy.  My coworkers should look at me and think that I'm 100% insane because of the hope and joy I have.  It shouldn't be something to notice when I'm walking around with a big smile on my face, laughing, and just happy.

Choosing joy isn't easy.  In fact, sometimes it seems down right impossible.  But with God all things are possible.

And choosing joy is worth it.

That's what I'm working on today... choosing joy even in the midst of complete chaos.  Because He is peace.  He is hope. He is JOY.

Healthier Me

Six months ago, it felt like my heart was breaking.  Instead, through a long process of healing and drawing close to Jesus, I'm healthier than I've ever been (and I'm not talking about just physically).  So today, on what had the potential to be a very hard day for a number of reasons, I can be thankful and say:

• I am healthier spiritually.  I am closer to Jesus than I've ever been and, while I know that I still have a long way to go in my faith walk, I'm moving closer instead of farther away.  I am continually amazed by all God is teaching me and the way he shows his love to me.  Like last night, when I was reading my devotional and this verse was the verse for that day: 

Song of Songs 1:15 

Look at you! You are beautiful, my true love!

    Look at you! You are so beautiful! 

So good.  Jesus knows me so well.

• I am healthier emotionally. The word joy has found its way back into my vocabulary.  I LOVE life right now. Before, I think I was sad all of the time and didn't even really realize it.  Now I know what joy is.  I know how good it is to laugh.  I still cry, but I'll always cry because I'm sad, or happy, or embarrassed, or moved, or angry, or any other emotion that you can think of.  

• I am healthier physically.  I love the gym right now.  Not only do I get to listen to some of my favorite music which translates into I get to spend some time just worshiping Jesus, but I also feel better.  I have more energy.  I have more endurance.

• I am more me.  I like me.  I like that I'm growing closer to Jesus.  I like that I like to work out.  I like that I can cry at the drop of a hat.

I am thankful today.  Thankful that I'm a healthier person that I was six months ago.  Thankful that I love Jesus and He loves me.  Thankful for friends and family who have stuck with me and pushed me and loved on me and supported me and believed in me even when I wasn't sure I believed in myself.

Six months is a long time.  Six months is a short time.  But six months with Jesus healing your heart is the best time.