The possibility of pain

I recently spent some time in Florida.  The beaches, the sun, the warmth, the sand, the amount of books I was able to read, was good for my soul.  I was able to spend some time with my younger sister who lives down there and I managed to sneak some time in with a friend who happens to live in the same city as my sister.  It was amazing.  I've now been plunged back into Michigan's bipolar spring (you would think I would be used to this having lived here my entire life) and am missing the afternoons spent outside with a book in hand.

But I had a conversation with my friend while I was down in Florida and it's been running around my head now for the last week and a half.  So I decided to come here and share what God's been impressing on my heart as I've been reflecting.

To understand the context of this conversation, you have to know what my life has been like over the last 5 months.  I'm going to give you the cliff notes version, okay?

In early November, right before my birthday, the guy I was dating broke up with me.  There were some circumstances surrounding the break up that made me question the timing.  We had a couple conversations and I told him that I believed God was telling me to fight for him.  And I did.  For 3.5 months.  Until it became crystal clear that I could stop fighting and move on.  So about 1.5 months ago I started reentering life and truly enjoying every moment again.  There's a lot more details I'm obviously leaving out, but that's not the main point of this post.  Basically you need to know, I wasn't expecting the break-up and felt blind-sided.  It sucked. It hurt. It was painful.  But can I share something?  God is really good at this healing thing.

Why did you need to know this?  Because this was the conversation that my friend and I were having. But it was her comment about all of this that made me pause and has caused me to continue processing over the past week or so.  Her comment was about how no one saw this coming and wondering how we keep it from happening again in the future.

And while we talked about different ways that we can be discerning about who we are in a relationship with, the answer that I kept coming back to is that we can't.  If we are truly looking to gain any sort of close relationship with anyone, a friend, a family member, a potential significant other, we open ourselves to the possibility of pain, of being hurt.  It's going to happen.  We're humans.  We hurt each other.  And while we can be discerning in relationships, we're not perfect.  Caring about anyone opens you to the possibility of pain.

What we do with that pain is incredibly important though.

Are we trying to quiet the hurt and pain with something that the world offers?  Or are we running to Jesus?  Because he gets it.  He so gets relational pain.  And that's really what I was struck with over the last couple of weeks.

If anyone understands the pain of a relationship rejection, it's God.

He created us in the Garden of Eden because it gave him pleasure.  He created us for a relationship with him.  But we rebelled.  We decided that we knew best.  And our relationship with God was fractured. And it caused God's heart pain.  By creating us he had opened himself up to the possibility of rejection, and we followed through with that rejection quite well.

But that's not the end of the story.  Because God wanted a restored relationship with us.  So he had a plan.  A plan that would cost him so much.  He sent his son.  And the response of the people to the son? Rejection.  To the point that they nailed him to the cross and killed him.  But I am so thankful for what Easter means. Because Jesus didn't stay dead. He conquered death and sin and made a way for us to once again have a relationship with God.  Yet, in doing that, God is still incredibly vulnerable.  He has opened himself up to rejection once again.  He will never force a relationship on anyone.  We have to choose to come to him.  And the choice of people to not have a relationship with him, breaks his heart.

God understands pain in relationships.

And who better to comfort us when we experience pain in our relationships?

Because here's what I think God also understands: By opening ourselves to others and the possibility of pain, we are also opening ourselves to the possibility of joy, and laughter, and love, and hope.  Without the possibility of pain, what meaning is there in any of these other things?  What do we have to compare them to?

What is a life full of acquaintances but no real meaningful relationships?

Please know my heart.  I am by no means saying to stay in friendships and dating relationships and other relationships that continually and consistently cause you pain and hurt. People who hurt you with no regard to the pain they continually inflict may need to play a much lesser role in your life, if they even play one at all.

What I am saying is this:

In any close relationship, pain is possible. Where we take that pain and what we do with it, matters. And Jesus gets it.  So cling to him.

And can I tell you something else?  Pain has a purpose.  The pain that we experience has a way of bringing us to the end of ourselves. To running to Jesus.  To being made more like him.  Pain has a way of growing us like nothing else.

Were there several months of the last 5-6 months that were incredibly painful and hard? Yes.  But looking back, I wouldn't change them. Because I see where I am now.  I see what God has done in my life.  Would I have ever chosen the pain of those months before going through them?



Nope. Not at all.  No way, Jose.  Not in a million years. (I can say this a bunch more ways if you'd like).

But I wouldn't change them.  I wouldn't change the nights spent in pain and heartache where I knew the only place to turn was Jesus.  And I wouldn't change the joy and hope and life that came at the end of the pain.  Because it was that much sweeter and more meaningful because of the pain. I would never choose pain.  But I am thankful for the way God uses painful events and circumstances to make me more like him.

Moments

There's a bunch of stuff I could be doing right now.

Instead I'm sitting here, typing, listening to Jesus music, spending time with Jesus and trying to process the last couple of days.

My heart is sad.

My heart is sad because there's this family who's pretty amazingly special to me.  This family is my family when I'm not with my actual family.  This is a family who I've grown with, loved with, laughed with, and been challenged with.

And I found out earlier this week that they'll be moving at least several hours away.

And that makes my heart sad because I'm going to miss them like crazy.  I love these people so much.

Some moments I'm okay.  When I'm with people, with them, I'm usually okay.  Mostly because I'm focused on making sure everyone else is okay and I'm keeping busy.  I'm too busy praying silently for other people as we hold each other to think about what my heart's feeling.

But I have my moments.

When someone says something sweet about this family.  When someone else starts crying.  When someone reaches in for a hug.  When I just stop and let myself think and process.

In those moments I turn into an emotional basket case of tears.  Like my friend said, it comes in waves. I'll be fine one minute and bawling the next.  Trying not to sob.  Like right now while I'm typing this.

It happens at strange times.  Like when I walked in the door tonight and started to make dinner.  I was grating cheese and just started sobbing.  Still not quite sure what set that bout of tears off.

But even in that moment of sobbing and grating cheese, my first instinct was that I needed some time with Jesus.  I needed to let him comfort my heart, pull me close and wipe my tears.  I needed him to speak truth and love to my heart.
And he has.

It's in these moments that he reminds me of his character.  That he is good.  That he is love.  That he is faithful.  And that I can trust him.

I honestly don't know how people deal with things when they don't have Jesus.  Because in those moments when I break down, it's not especially pretty.  But in even the tears, there's still hope.   There's still peace.  There's still the gentle whisper of God's love.

And in those whispers, God reminds me that his love travels many miles.  And the love that this family and I have for each other will travel many miles.  Distance won't change the love we have for each other.  It just may have to change the way that love is expressed. Vacations to see each other instead of every weekend.  Letters, texts, emails, and Skype dates instead of lunch dates, coffee dates, and sleep overs.  Still haven't found a replacement for the hugs yet though...I'll just have to stock up with as many as possible before they leave.

So basically, all this to say, I'm going to be sad.  And that's okay, because that means that I really love my friends and I'm going to miss them.  I'm going to be happy, because they're going to get to do awesome things where they're going and I'm going to get to do awesome things here.

And in all those moments, the happy and the sad, I'm going to run to Jesus.  Because he gets it.  He understands.  He knows.  And he gives some pretty awesome hugs too.  And my heart desperately needs them.

Reflection

I wasn't going to write tonight.

In fact, I should have been in bed already if I want to go to the gym tomorrow... we'll see if I can get moving in time now.

But as I was turning off lights and closing doors and windows in my house, something prompted me to check my blog stats.  If I'm writing, I usually check them once a day but I had family from out of town over for dinner and to see my new house and never got to it tonight.  That is, until a few minutes ago.

And as I checked my blog stats to see how many people have been reading and what they've been reading lately, I noticed someone, or several someones, have been reading some of the older posts on my blog.  Not super old.  They probably still pop up on the first page since I took a super long hiatus from blogging, but they're old to me.

So much life has been lived since then.

And it made me reflect.

Some of the posts that popped up were from a tremendously difficult season of life.  It was a season that only God got me through and you all were able to experience parts of through this blog.   My cousin's 5 1/2 month old baby passed away.  My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me.  And I had just celebrated my birthday which is normally fabulous but felt completely empty that year.

It was hard.

There's really no other words to describe it.  But in reality, it was harder than hard.  And so I reflected tonight on where God has brought me and the joy I now have in my life because I'm living to follow him more than I did back then.

I reflected on the fact that God is good.  My cousin is 7 months pregnant again (that's who I just saw tonight).  And we couldn't be more thrilled for this new little baby boy soon to show up.  We will always miss Jared and this little one will never take his place, but he's a blessing from God.  He's a reminder of God's goodness even in the difficult times.

I reflected on the peace, contentment, and joy I have in my life now.  When I was dumped, I was depressed for a solid month and in and out of depression for several more after.  I can remember exactly where I was the first time I truly laughed again.  I can remember coming out of that fog and seeing and knowing that God was still good in EVERYTHING.  And I can remember coming to realize that God's plans are best and it wouldn't have been a good idea at all to stay in that relationship.

I looked back and I saw how God is writing my story.  I looked back and saw his faithfulness.  I saw his mercy.  His grace.  His tender love.

I saw God's fingerprints on every part of my life and everything that he's brought me through.

Reflection is good for the soul.  Because of what God has done in the past, I know I can trust him with the future.  There's a song that we've been singing at church lately called "I will look up" by Elevation Worship and there's a couple lines that go like this:

I will look up, for there is none above you

I will bow down, to tell you that I need you

Jesus, Lord of all

I will look back, and see that you are faithful

I'll look ahead, believing you are able

Jesus, Lord of all

Jesus, Lord of all

Really the whole song is worth quoting and it's one of my favorite ones right now... but how true!  I look back and see that God has been faithful and because of that that I believe that he is able to accomplish more than I could ever imagine.

What has God brought you through?  Have you taken time to reflect lately?

Joy

Laughter is so healing.

I've seen this many times in my own life over the last few years... and with a rough season at work right now, I'm realizing the truth of God's word once again:

Proverbs 17:22
"A cheerful heart is good medicine..."

This morning I was cheerful at work... and people noticed the difference.  If they noticed me being cheerful, then what have I been the past few weeks?

One of the reasons I've always loved my job is because laughter abounds... there is nothing better than coming to work, getting done what needs to get done, and laughing while doing it.  I love the people I work with.

But lately, tensions and stress has been higher than normal.  Laughter happens less and less.  And it's wearying.  Quality suffers, productivity suffers, tempers become short and memories become long.  It's not healthy.

The second part of that verse is "...but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

That's what's happening right now.

But here's the deal.  Here's where God is speaking to my heart.

In Jesus, I have hope, joy and peace.

I don't have to have a crushed spirit.  I get to choose to be filled with joy.  My coworkers should look at me and think that I'm 100% insane because of the hope and joy I have.  It shouldn't be something to notice when I'm walking around with a big smile on my face, laughing, and just happy.

Choosing joy isn't easy.  In fact, sometimes it seems down right impossible.  But with God all things are possible.

And choosing joy is worth it.

That's what I'm working on today... choosing joy even in the midst of complete chaos.  Because He is peace.  He is hope. He is JOY.

Baptism Hope

100 (or so) people publicly declaring that they'll follow Jesus.

That's what I got to witness today.  Today I saw my cousin, young kids, whole families, engaged couples, and adults choose to tell everyone that they're following Jesus now.  Today I saw people who have been endlessly prayed for, loved on, and spoken truth to follow Jesus' example in baptism.

Baptism weekends are always emotional for me.

I love them so much.

Watching people declare that they're following Jesus does something to my heart strings.  It moves me in ways that I don't have words for.  And normally, as a writer, I have nothing but words.

But it does more than just move me.  It gives me hope.

Hope that the people I am praying daily for to know Jesus will one day be up there being baptized.

Hope that the people I am loving on with Jesus' love will one day be up there declaring their love for Jesus.

Hope that the people I have spoken God's truth to will one day be up there speaking the truth of what God has done in their lives.

I may not have words to explain what is happening in my heart right now, but I have hope.  I have Jesus.