The possibility of pain

I recently spent some time in Florida.  The beaches, the sun, the warmth, the sand, the amount of books I was able to read, was good for my soul.  I was able to spend some time with my younger sister who lives down there and I managed to sneak some time in with a friend who happens to live in the same city as my sister.  It was amazing.  I've now been plunged back into Michigan's bipolar spring (you would think I would be used to this having lived here my entire life) and am missing the afternoons spent outside with a book in hand.

But I had a conversation with my friend while I was down in Florida and it's been running around my head now for the last week and a half.  So I decided to come here and share what God's been impressing on my heart as I've been reflecting.

To understand the context of this conversation, you have to know what my life has been like over the last 5 months.  I'm going to give you the cliff notes version, okay?

In early November, right before my birthday, the guy I was dating broke up with me.  There were some circumstances surrounding the break up that made me question the timing.  We had a couple conversations and I told him that I believed God was telling me to fight for him.  And I did.  For 3.5 months.  Until it became crystal clear that I could stop fighting and move on.  So about 1.5 months ago I started reentering life and truly enjoying every moment again.  There's a lot more details I'm obviously leaving out, but that's not the main point of this post.  Basically you need to know, I wasn't expecting the break-up and felt blind-sided.  It sucked. It hurt. It was painful.  But can I share something?  God is really good at this healing thing.

Why did you need to know this?  Because this was the conversation that my friend and I were having. But it was her comment about all of this that made me pause and has caused me to continue processing over the past week or so.  Her comment was about how no one saw this coming and wondering how we keep it from happening again in the future.

And while we talked about different ways that we can be discerning about who we are in a relationship with, the answer that I kept coming back to is that we can't.  If we are truly looking to gain any sort of close relationship with anyone, a friend, a family member, a potential significant other, we open ourselves to the possibility of pain, of being hurt.  It's going to happen.  We're humans.  We hurt each other.  And while we can be discerning in relationships, we're not perfect.  Caring about anyone opens you to the possibility of pain.

What we do with that pain is incredibly important though.

Are we trying to quiet the hurt and pain with something that the world offers?  Or are we running to Jesus?  Because he gets it.  He so gets relational pain.  And that's really what I was struck with over the last couple of weeks.

If anyone understands the pain of a relationship rejection, it's God.

He created us in the Garden of Eden because it gave him pleasure.  He created us for a relationship with him.  But we rebelled.  We decided that we knew best.  And our relationship with God was fractured. And it caused God's heart pain.  By creating us he had opened himself up to the possibility of rejection, and we followed through with that rejection quite well.

But that's not the end of the story.  Because God wanted a restored relationship with us.  So he had a plan.  A plan that would cost him so much.  He sent his son.  And the response of the people to the son? Rejection.  To the point that they nailed him to the cross and killed him.  But I am so thankful for what Easter means. Because Jesus didn't stay dead. He conquered death and sin and made a way for us to once again have a relationship with God.  Yet, in doing that, God is still incredibly vulnerable.  He has opened himself up to rejection once again.  He will never force a relationship on anyone.  We have to choose to come to him.  And the choice of people to not have a relationship with him, breaks his heart.

God understands pain in relationships.

And who better to comfort us when we experience pain in our relationships?

Because here's what I think God also understands: By opening ourselves to others and the possibility of pain, we are also opening ourselves to the possibility of joy, and laughter, and love, and hope.  Without the possibility of pain, what meaning is there in any of these other things?  What do we have to compare them to?

What is a life full of acquaintances but no real meaningful relationships?

Please know my heart.  I am by no means saying to stay in friendships and dating relationships and other relationships that continually and consistently cause you pain and hurt. People who hurt you with no regard to the pain they continually inflict may need to play a much lesser role in your life, if they even play one at all.

What I am saying is this:

In any close relationship, pain is possible. Where we take that pain and what we do with it, matters. And Jesus gets it.  So cling to him.

And can I tell you something else?  Pain has a purpose.  The pain that we experience has a way of bringing us to the end of ourselves. To running to Jesus.  To being made more like him.  Pain has a way of growing us like nothing else.

Were there several months of the last 5-6 months that were incredibly painful and hard? Yes.  But looking back, I wouldn't change them. Because I see where I am now.  I see what God has done in my life.  Would I have ever chosen the pain of those months before going through them?



Nope. Not at all.  No way, Jose.  Not in a million years. (I can say this a bunch more ways if you'd like).

But I wouldn't change them.  I wouldn't change the nights spent in pain and heartache where I knew the only place to turn was Jesus.  And I wouldn't change the joy and hope and life that came at the end of the pain.  Because it was that much sweeter and more meaningful because of the pain. I would never choose pain.  But I am thankful for the way God uses painful events and circumstances to make me more like him.

Fighting the Crazy

There are days I feel downright crazy for doing what I'm currently doing. Even though I believe God is asking me to walk this walk, it seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom.  Or maybe I just think it does.  I told you, I feel downright crazy some days.

You know when I feel the most crazy?  When I spend too much time on what ifs.  When I spend too much time scrolling through the pithy quotes on Pinterest. When I spend too much time focusing on what I think everyone else would do in this situation.

And I realized something today... after spending 3 months feeling half insane (I'm not always the quickest learner)... I feel crazy because I'm taking my eyes off the one who matters: Jesus.  He is the one who has called me to walk this road.  And this road may not go on forever, but for right now, this is the road he has called me to walk. When I keep my eyes on him, I know I'm walking the way I'm supposed to walk.  When I let my eyes drift around to see what everyone else is thinking, I start feeling like I'm insane.

I don't like feeling crazy.

So I'm thankful for a God who keeps reminding me that right here, right now, he is asking me to trust him and walk this road not knowing how or where it will end. And I'm thankful that God has put friends in my life who when I start to feel crazy, remind me that I'm not.  That what I'm feeling is normal.  That as long as I'm following God, nothing else matters.  And that they'll support me as long as I believe God is asking me to walk this way.

And I spend a lot of time praying.  Praying that God will sync my heart with his for this walk. Praying that if God tells me to turn a corner and go down a different street that I'll have the courage to step out in obedience.  Praying that if God tells me to keep walking this same road I'll have the courage to trust and continue to obey him.

So right now, I'm going to keep praying and keep trusting and keep walking and fight to keep my eyes on the one who has called me to this road rather than on things that like to point out how crazy I am.  Because I like feeling at least a little sane.

The hard

I haven't written in awhile.  Partly because I'm not exactly sure what to write and partly because I'm not sure I know how to say what God keeps impressing on my heart.  But I'm going to give it a try.

These last couple of months have been HARD. Like lots of tears, long nights, and trouble laughing hard. Like I should have bought stock in Kleenex hard.  If I've been moody, depressed or distant with you, I'm sorry.  So sorry. I have so many emotions swirling around inside of me all the time that it's difficult to know which way is up and I know the people closest to me are taking the brunt of it.

Yes.  The last two and a half months have been hard.

But can I tell you what's good about the hard?

The hard brings out the people in your life who love you.  The prayers people have prayed.  The tears people have cried with me.  The hugs people have given.  The places to hide people have provided.  The sense of normalcy when everything else seems abnormal.  I would not have gotten through the last couple of months without my people.  I will not get through the next few months without my people.  The hard reminds me of who those people are.

The hard brings me closer to Jesus.  It forces me to my knees because I can't handle it on my own. It makes me pray more, read Jesus' words more, worship more.  It makes me trust him more.  Because as I have prayed for wisdom and discernment and to know which way to walk, I hear his voice.  It's not always loud.  It hasn't been easy.  But I know it's him.  I know he's saying, "Trust me."

The hard reminds me of how big my God is.  It puts children's songs running through my head to give me hope and encouragement.  It brings to mind Bible verse upon Bible verse that I've memorized about how God can do what I feel is impossible. About trusting him.  About resting in him.

This hard isn't going away yet.  I'll admit, there are days when I wonder why God hasn't let me walk away from this situation. I've even come pretty close a couple of times lately.  But every time I've gotten close to walking away from this hard, God has stopped me.  He's said, "Not yet.  Trust me." And so I do my best to trust.  And I cry and I pray and I hope and I get discouraged and I keep fighting and I pray and I figure out how to adjust my eyes back to Jesus and the cycle repeats itself about a million and one more times.

I don't know how this hard will ultimately end up.  I do know that right now, God is calling me to trust him with the hard.  And part of that trust, is trusting that God will show me when this specific season of hard is over... no matter how it ends.

I've found that I don't particularly like the hard.  I don't know many people who do.  But what I do like?  I like the results the hard produces.  I like the times I draw closer to Jesus.  I like seeing the people who love me support and love on me. I like knowing how big my God is. I like knowing that I can trust God, because he's a good God, who loves me and wants the absolute best for me.

This season of hard isn't easy, but I'm trusting that God will make it worth it.

Lonely

This is one of those blog posts that is going to be hard to press publish on.  This is one of those blog posts that something deep within me is screaming, "Don't write it! Don't be that open and vulnerable. Don't let people in."  And yet, these are the posts that God uses the most in my own life.  These are the posts that bring healing to my heart and help stop the numerous thoughts swirling in my head on a daily basis.

So here I am.  Typing away.  Working up the nerve to tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now.

And it's not easy.  But I know in the end it will be worth it.  So here it goes...

I'm different.  I don't feel like I fit in most of the time.  I'm not normal (whatever normal is anyway...).

And that often leaves me feeling very lonely.

In all honesty, I'm usually okay with being different, with being smart, following Jesus, and being who he created me to be.

I LIKE me.

But then I have days where it's all just very overwhelming.  Where I just wish I could relate to people better.  Where I just wish that being different wasn't so hard.

It's not a new feeling.

In elementary school, I was different.  I was smart.  I liked school.  I liked my teachers.  I liked doing the right thing.  And all of that made me different... and it made it difficult to make friends.

I liked hanging out with the adults.  There was less drama.  Less cattiness.  Less chance I was going to get picked on.

Don't get me wrong.  I still had friends my own age.  But I had very few friends and I could count on one hand the number of people I would have considered a close friend who I went to school with.

These feelings didn't stop there.  I wasn't your typical teen.  I hated roller coasters, had no desire to stay up all night long or really even that late, thought video games were pointless (probably because I wasn't good at them), was homeschooled, and had pretty strict standards about the types of media I would let myself watch/listen to (some of them self imposed, some of them parental restrictions).

None of that would I change.  That's what made me, me.  But it made it difficult to connect.  I had a close group of friends, but they weren't always at activities and I found myself, once again, gravitating to the adults in my life.

Now I am an adult and the feelings haven't stopped.  There's a running saying at my office about whether or not something is "Holly-appropriate".  Most days I actually really appreciate my coworkers working to protect me from what they consider inappropriate based on what I believe.  I know they really are trying to protect me, and since my coworkers are family at this point, I love them for it.  I work hard to find points of connection with them outside of what they deem as "not-Holly-appropriate".  It's why you'll find football games on inside my house when I'm pretty indifferent towards the game.  It's why, when I finally have 2-3 people tell me a certain movie is "Holly-appropriate", I do a little research and make an effort to watch it.  It's why I look at cat pictures and share recipes and send English/writing jokes back and forth.  It's why I'll go to the bar with them and drink pop while we all just talk.

That's most days.

And then there are the days when I just want to say, "Screw it.  I don't want to be different anymore.  I just want to fit in.  I don't care if things are 'Holly-appropriate' or not, I just want to be normal for once in my life. I want to not have to ask if something is a movie quote or from a TV show or a pop culture reference that just completely went over my head.  I want to not feel like the odd man out, alone, and lonely."

And usually after the mini-tantrum/pity party I throw, I get my head screwed back on straight and I realize I do care if something is "Holly-appropriate" or not.  I do care what I put into my mind and body.  I do want to be different.  Because I'm following Jesus, and that requires me to be different.  It means my life should look different.  My life should be more love-filled, hope-filled, joy-filled, and peace-filled.  And part of how I get it that way is to live differently.

But it doesn't always change that last sentence.

I still get tired of feeling lonely.

Of feeling like the odd man out.

Of feeling like no one quite understands all the thoughts constantly swirling around in my head.

Of feeling like I'm the only one who chooses to live like this, to follow Jesus.

But that's not the reaction I need to have.

Because Jesus gets it.


Jesus got lonely.

No one quite understood the thoughts swirling around in his head constantly.

There were probably pop culture references he just did not get.

And if it's not "Holly-appropriate", can just imagine the things people wouldn't tell Jesus because it wasn't "Jesus-appropriate"?

So instead of throwing myself a pity party accompanied by a class A tantrum because I feel left out and lonely, what if I turned to Jesus, spilled my guts to him, and let him comfort me?  Let him show me that I'm not alone?  And that his truth is greater than my feelings?

Because that's the truth: Jesus gets it.  Jesus will never leave me or forsake me.  And the truth and how I feel aren't always in sync... I'd rather trust the truth.

So today I'm going to try something different.  I'm going to run to Jesus.  I'm going to embrace what makes me different.  I'm going to keep choosing to live following Jesus.  I'm going to keep loving the people around me.  And I'm going to be thankful that God put people in my life who care enough to warn me and protect me when something's not "Holly-appropriate".

Not Quite Normal...

Today was a day of firsts.

It was the first time I had a house guest.

It was the first time I was late to work.

It was the first time I called 911.

It was the first time I had an ambulance in my driveway and a firetruck parked in front of my house.

It was the first time I've had on duty first responders in my house.

And I thought it was going to be a semi normal morning...

My best friend flew in yesterday because her little brother is getting married this weekend.  Since we hadn't seen each other in a couple of months and our work schedules hadn't allowed for a Skype date since the last time she was in town in May, she decided to spend the night at my house when she got in.  She wanted to see what I'd done with the place since the last time she saw it was the day I closed on the house.

Everything seemed normal.  She arrived; we ate a fabulous dinner of roast beef, mashed potatoes, and green beans from Aurora's Family Restaurant; we stayed up for a couple hours catching up and talking.  Normal stuff we do every time we're together.

Then we went to bed.

Normally I get up at 5 AM, go to the gym, get ready at the gym and head to work.  And by get up at 5 AM, I mean stumble around my house, grab my gym bag and work stuff and head out the door where hopefully an accelerated heart rate at the gym means I'm awake by the time work rolls around.

Since my best friend had spent the night, and I knew we would likely stay up talking, I set my alarm for an hour later, told my sister I wasn't going to the gym, and went to bed.

It was fairly normal.

This morning my alarm went off.  I stumbled around for a few minutes only half awake and then hopped in the shower... okay so it was more like dragged myself into the shower hopping to wake up.  In case you haven't figured it out, I'm not a morning person.... or a night owl... I just really like sleep.

But I digress.

I got out of the shower and went to walk back across the house to finish getting ready for work.

That's when things became decidedly abnormal.

As I headed down the hallway, I heard a noise in my living room.  My best friend was on the couch and at first I thought she was sobbing.  Then I heard the words, "My chest hurts and I'm having shortness of breath" come out of her mouth while she was breathing rapidly.

Somehow I stayed calm.  I still don't know how that happened.

Short digression.... There is a reason I did not go into the medical field... actually there are several reasons.  Among them are blood, needles, and sick people... I don't normally handle any of them well.

So I did what any normal person would do at 6:20 AM... I turned on the light so I could see in the house.

Then she told me to call 911.  And that's when I really knew she wasn't feeling well.

So I calmly called 911.  And then I calmly called her mother.  And then I calmly called my mom.  And then I opened the door so I could see when the emergency vehicles arrived.  And then I let the firefighters in while my hair was still up in a towel and I was still in my bathrobe.

And I was still calm.

I will admit, I looked away when they stuck the needle for the IV in her arm... they didn't need two patients to work on.

By the time they took her away in the ambulance, she was starting to feel a little better.  I called a couple more people to let them know which hospital they were taking her to and then finally got dressed.  I grabbed my stuff for work, texted my boss that I would be late, and headed up to the hospital.

I saw her for a few minutes at the hospital, told her she should feel privileged that I was there since I HATE hospitals, and left her in the capable hands of her parents while I headed off to work.

Where I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes to decompress.

The doctor ended up attributing it to something like a panic attack and she was released from the hospital before lunch.

But there are a couple of things I need to point out in this story.  Ways that I see God's hand so clearly in everything.  So bear with me, because I'm going to make a list.  Because I really like lists.

1. I didn't go to the gym.

My normal routine is to head to the gym.  God, in his wisdom, said, "You're going to stay up later than normal talking and decide not to go to the gym in the morning."  If I had gone to the gym like normal, I wouldn't have been home when this happened.  I would have been getting ready to hit the showers at the gym.  That's a God thing.

2.  I live 5 minutes from the hospital.

My friend's family is a lot farther north than I am.  If she had been at home, she would not have been nearly as close to the hospital as she was at my house.  The decision to stay at my house was a spur of the moment idea late last week.  That's a God thing.

3. I was coherent.

Normally, even after a morning shower, it takes me a little while to wake up.  I was awake and alert enough to do what needed to be done in the moment.  That's a total God thing.

4.  I still had her parents' home phone number in my phone from when we were growing up... that's a God thing.

5. I remained calm.

Since I normally don't deal with medical stuff well... well, that's for sure a God thing.

6.  She's perfectly okay.

Do I really need to say it?  Okay... GOD THING.

7.  I had a quiet day at work.

There was no drama.  There were no fires to put out.  There were happy people not crabby people.  There was laughter.  There was computer work that I could just put headphones in and work on.  And after the last few weeks, that, my friends, was a God thing.  Because I needed to decompress and be quiet and be still.

I am seriously amazed at how God works.  The little ways that he constantly shows up.  The ways that he changes our routines and normalcy ahead of time in order to provide. And I'm thankful for the way he reminds me to look at the little things, to take time and reflect, and to see what He has accomplished.

Healthier Me

Six months ago, it felt like my heart was breaking.  Instead, through a long process of healing and drawing close to Jesus, I'm healthier than I've ever been (and I'm not talking about just physically).  So today, on what had the potential to be a very hard day for a number of reasons, I can be thankful and say:

• I am healthier spiritually.  I am closer to Jesus than I've ever been and, while I know that I still have a long way to go in my faith walk, I'm moving closer instead of farther away.  I am continually amazed by all God is teaching me and the way he shows his love to me.  Like last night, when I was reading my devotional and this verse was the verse for that day: 

Song of Songs 1:15 

Look at you! You are beautiful, my true love!

    Look at you! You are so beautiful! 

So good.  Jesus knows me so well.

• I am healthier emotionally. The word joy has found its way back into my vocabulary.  I LOVE life right now. Before, I think I was sad all of the time and didn't even really realize it.  Now I know what joy is.  I know how good it is to laugh.  I still cry, but I'll always cry because I'm sad, or happy, or embarrassed, or moved, or angry, or any other emotion that you can think of.  

• I am healthier physically.  I love the gym right now.  Not only do I get to listen to some of my favorite music which translates into I get to spend some time just worshiping Jesus, but I also feel better.  I have more energy.  I have more endurance.

• I am more me.  I like me.  I like that I'm growing closer to Jesus.  I like that I like to work out.  I like that I can cry at the drop of a hat.

I am thankful today.  Thankful that I'm a healthier person that I was six months ago.  Thankful that I love Jesus and He loves me.  Thankful for friends and family who have stuck with me and pushed me and loved on me and supported me and believed in me even when I wasn't sure I believed in myself.

Six months is a long time.  Six months is a short time.  But six months with Jesus healing your heart is the best time.  

The future...

I graduate in four months. That is both exciting and terrifying to me. Yes I'll be excited to have a four year BA degree. But I honestly have no idea what I'm supposed to do after graduation and that is scary. I like knowing. I like having a plan. I like to-do lists. I like structure and organization. And I don't like not knowing. And now I'll be stepping into the unknown.

Part of the problem is that there are 50 million (okay maybe not that many, but certainly a lot) of things I want to do, degrees I want to have, and life change that I want to happen. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly missing it all and I'm not supposed to do any of the things that I think I want to do and I'm supposed to do something totally different.

Yet as much as I don't know my future, I know God does. Jeremiah 29:11 says that, "I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD..." He knows. It doesn't say that I know, it says that he knows. He knows what's next. He knows whether I'll go back to school (and for which degree), he knows if I'll go on a missions trip, he knows what he has planned for me and he won't fail me. He will take care of me. He knows so I don't have to worry and fret (which is a lot easier said then done).

My life doesn't belong to me. It belongs to him. And during this time of unknowns, I'll keep seeking and searching for his presence, because no matter what I end up doing, that's where I want to be: in his presence: worshipping, loving, being.

Attitudes Part 2

I've noticed something. If I skip my time with God, for several days in a row (okay, so even just one day), and I go to serve in KidBUILDERs, or somewhere else, I am so miserable and I have no patience when I serve. It's usually not only because I skipped my time with God. but because, as a result of skipping my time with God, my heart isn't right with him.

When I do spend time with my Jesus, my attitude is so much better about serving. I think this is because my heart is right with God so I can pour HIS life into others. I have something to give. Whereas, if I haven't been spending time with him, I have nothing left to pour into anyone else, because I've had nothing poured into me by God.

Attitudes...

I've been reading a book for my Kairos group this semester called "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller. If you want to be completely wrecked and convicted by God, I suggest you read this book, because that is the exact place I found myself in a couple nights ago.

The book talks a lot about the different brothers in the parable Jesus told (most commonly known as The Prodigal Son", though not really an accurate description). In the parable, the elder brother represents the religious people, the people who think they are of a higher moral and spiritual class than the younger brothers. God has just been convicting me of how much I can act like the elder brother. How often I look down at someone because I don't think that they are making the right choices in their lives! It's so stupid. I look at people and think their not living their lives in the right way, but I'm still living with so much pride and deceit in my own life! Really, as Timothy Keller illustrates in his book, the elder son is so much worse off than the younger son because the elder son is denying the fact that there is anything wrong with his relationship with God.

One of the other points that Keller brings up is that many younger brothers have been driver away from the church because of the elder brothers' attitudes of moral superiority. I got to thinking, how many people have I pushed away from the church and from God because of my attitude? How many people might be living for Christ today, if I had only shown them love instead of hate, annoyance, disgust and judgement?

After reading all of this and repenting before God for my attitude in the past over all this, I have started a new prayer: That my actions wouldn't be about me or for my own glory, that they would not come from a place of annoyance, hatred, or feelings of superiority, but out of love, love for God and love for others.

What about you? Are your actions showing love or are you acting as a judge? How many people might be on their way to heaven today if our attitude was different in the past and how many can we take with us now if we change our attitudes?

Drained and Filled...

I was feeling really empty and drained on Tuesday. I came home from work and was just exhausted. I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere, and I certainly didn't want to pour energy into anything that wasn't sleep related. But, alas, Tuesday night is KidBUILDERs night and I headed down there around 5:30. Now, don't get me wrong... I LOVE those kids. I think they are the some of the coolest people in the universe. I just felt like I had nothing left to give to them that night.

However, by the time I left and was on my way home, I was amazed at how alive and full of life I felt. It was totally a God thing. I go to serve these kids (who were so well behaved in the program, I guess the bus ride was another matter) and instead I get blessed and filled with God's power and love and life! I love how God uses service to bless the one who serves. I didn't really want to be there at first, but God blessed my willingness to go down and serve. He restored me and put life back in me to help me through the rest of the week.

So have you experienced any blessings when you serve?

Answer to Prayer...

God is good!! Remember the stress and frustration that I blogged about a few days ago because of my field experience class and the amount of time that I didn't know how I was going to fit into my already crazy schedule?? Well, it looks like I should be able to use my current job as my field experience!

It's just such an answer to prayer and is just a confirmation of how much God cares about even the little things in our lives. I feel like I can breath again. I didn't realize how much stress I was still under until I got the word that I could use my work as field experience. Seriously, a major weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt lighter than I have all week!

I am so glad I serve a God who cares for me!

Overwheming....

Yesterday I was feeling very overwhelmed with all that I have to do... especially after I found out that I have to spend 10-12 hours a week in my field placement for 2 credit hours. I was really frustrated and on the verge of tears almost all day. So when I went in to some time alone with God, I just started pouring this out to him. Just telling him all about it made me feel somewhat better, but some of the frustration was still there. FYI I love having a God who cares about every single detail of my life... even the ones that others might view as unimportant, HE cares!! How cool is that! Anyways, back to what I was saying before... I then opened up my Bible asking God to just direct me to what I needed to read since I'm kinda between having a specific reading. He directed me to Luke 8:22-25. That happens to be the story about Jesus calming the winds and the waves. I thought it was just so cool that God directed me to that scripture because I felt like I was just in the midst of an all out storm... I was feeling completely overwhelmed. God just reminded me that he has the power over weather and nature and how much more he has the power over my life and my circumstances. Sometimes (or most of the time) it feels like I just have such little faith that God really is in charge. I'm still somewhat stressed about all that I have to do, but I know that God is in charge and can handle anything that comes my way.

As I was typing this I remembered a song along the same themes:

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always


Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

Outpouring of God...

I want to blog, but I don't know what to blog about. I am just experiencing such an outpouring of God right now... Tonight was one of the last Wednesday nights I'll be able to be at LifeBuilders for awhile. It makes me a little sad thinking that it will be several weeks (possibly even months depending on school) before I see my dear friends again. But tonight was special. Tonight God's presence was so real in that building. I think some of my favorite times are when we take time just to share what God is doing in our lives, to pray for each other, and to just share life together. That's what real community is. Frankly, the last couple of days I've been crabby for no particular reason, then when I get to LifeBuilders tonight Matt asks if I know a certain song. This song happens to be one of my favorite songs (Desert Song... I've blogged on it before) and I got to sing it and share it with my LB family. That song does something to my heart every time I sing/hear it. Look up the lyrics... they're probably just a little farther down on the page. Anyway, basically what I wanted to say was that God showed up tonight. He is good. He is on his throne. His name is I Am and mine is I am not. He is God and for simply that fact I will worship, I will sing, I will bring praise.

Thank you Jesus!

LifeBuilder's VBS Day 1

Today was the first day of the VBS we're doing down at LifeBuilders in Detroit. It was amazing...Matt and I have the best crew ever and the kids are loving it! God is working in some amazing and awesome ways. The English language does not contain the words to express how awesome and amazing tonight was.

That's really all I wanted to say.... God is amazing, VBS is amazing, Kids loving Jesus are amazing, and the conviction that comes from listening to the story at VBS and saying "Fear Not!" a million and one times every night is amazing. God is good!

Worry...

Tonight before I went to Lighthouse I had asked God to just really convict me and stir my spirit. Well, He did. The message tonight was directed straight at my heart. The topic you ask?? That would be worry. Lately I've been struggling with worrying about the future. Who my future spouse will be... Where am I going to be in a few years life wise... Will I be a good interpreter... Will I be able to get a job....is another 4 years of school really in the mix??? Through all of this worrying, God has been speaking to my heart, plainly and rather bluntly saying...

"I'm God, you're not. I know what's best, I love you and I'll take care of you if you'll just let me. Knock it off with the obsessing of the future. Trust Me."

FYI: it's a lot easier said than done. But it was something I was working on. And then tonight happened and God just showed me how much I'm still worrying. I think the thing that hit me the most was that when we worry, we're saying to God that he can't keep his promises, that he can't be in control. We are looking at ourselves saying I'm in control... I'll handle this (which is rather stupid since worrying doesn't do any good). Worry is a sin that stems from pride. Worry is telling God that we don't trust him enough to do what he says he will do. But when we take our worries and fears to God in prayer, we are taking the focus off ourselves and admitting just how much we can't, but God can.

I'm not even doing justice to what was said tonight...So, you need to check it out for yourself by going to www.lighthousecollective.com and listening to the podcast of tonight's message... it should be up in the next couple of days.

So will you join with me in turning the focus off ourselves and onto God??

Delighting and Desires

So lately my mind has been on love and such. Maybe it's the fact that many of my friends are now engaged and I'm still single and waiting. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that my cousin is getting married in couple of months and I'm standing up in the wedding. Whatever the reason, it's been hitting me lately how very single I am and how quite a bit of the time I'd rather not be. Don't get me wrong, some days I am really good with being single. Other days are a bit more trying as I continually learn how to be content with my life situation. All this to say, while trying to not think about this subject quite so much and not worry about the future, God reminded me of something I wrote in my journal after one of Cliff's messages at Lighthouse (on 1/4/09). So the following is the notes from my journal on that night and possibly some additional commentary now:

What Delighting Means...

"Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalms 37:4

Delight doesn't mean I'm happy with God. It means that he is my everything-- my sustainer, my lover, my hope, my past, present, and future, and everything else I need (or desire).

My desires aren't really a boyfriend, to be famous, or to be the best at what I do, but rather they stem from a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, honored, and highly thought of.

When I delight in God, the desires of my heart are truly being met in every sense of the word. I am being loved, honored, cherished, treasured, esteemed, appreciated, and he thinks very highly of me. When I delight myself in God, my desires are met beyond what i ever could dream of-- because I have finally said, "God you are more than enough for me."

Back to the present. At times I wonder if I can truly say that God is more than enough for me. And even more than that, do I live like he's more than enough for me? Do I live like he's fulfilled the deepest desires of my heart? Most often the answer would sadly be no. Too often I look to people to fulfill what I see as the desires of my heart. But just as often, people can't provide the fulfillment of those desires. The desire continues, wanting, yearning to be filled. And too often I don't turn to the one who can fill it, the one who has already filled it if I would just realize it!

So I think with where my thoughts have been lately and what I've been thinking my desires are I needed to reread this. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for marriage and hope to be married myself one day :-) But a human is never going to fulfill the desires of my heart, only God can do that. Humans will fail, but God never fails. And this was a good reminder of some of the lessons that God has been teaching me lately.

Fear of Failure

On Sunday night Cliff was talking about fear and how it can control us. He mentioned how a lot of the time we try to cover up our fears with something: anger, throwing ourselves into another pursuit, being intellectual...etc. Fear has always been something I dealt with, but when Cliff brought it up, I honestly was having a hard time pinpointing exactly what I fear. That is, until I read my chapter in my Kairos book on Monday. The author was talking about Risk and how in order to fail we must risk. And not only that, but it is very difficult to succeed without failure (I mean, look at Edison, how many times did he fail trying to make the light bulb??).

This concept really hit home. If you know me, you know I bill myself as a perfectionist. I like things done right and preferably done right the first time. For the first time I see this as a manifestation (yeah I know, big word) of my fear of failure. If I'm perfect then I can't fail. But if I have to be perfect in everything I don't attempt anything in which I might not be perfect in. If I know I can't do it right I won't try. Why? Because I'm afraid. Afraid that others might notice that I'm not perfect, afraid I'll let someone down. Fear is controlling.

In the past few days as I've been mulling this over, I've often thought of how many opportunities I've missed because I've been afraid to fail. How many experiences have I given up because I'm afraid to take a risk? How many memories did I sacrifice to keep up my image? In all honesty, I really don't want to think about all that I have missed. Yet, it's because of what I've missed that I know I can't continue to miss it. I have to risk, I have to be willing to fail, I have to be willing to give up the image that I have tried so desperately to keep up.

So what's the remedy for this fear? Jesus. His perfect love. The confidence that comes from knowing that if I fail, He's still there. I may fall flat on my face, but he's right beside me, picking me up and dusting me off. When I begin to understand that his love is unconditional and forever, I'll start to risk it for him and his glory. Failure will happen, but I'll understand that I don't need perfection. Perfection is an impossible goal and it's one that I don't need to attain.

So this is a start for my journey of leaving fear behind, embracing failure, and loving Jesus.

I just thought I'd let you know...

the moon was pretty awesome last night. And God's pretty amazing!

Psalms

So I started this new class at school a few weeks ago called "Introduction to the Psalms". Our first assignment was to write a personal psalm to God and then turn it in. I was lucky enough that the professor had me read mine out loud in class... so since I've already shared it with the class I thought I would share it with whoever reads this thing. Oh yeah, and if you actually read my blog... let me know. I'd love to know what you think about my thoughts. Anyway, here's the psalm I wrote:

O God, I am overwhelmed with life
Existing is exhausting, Lord
Day after day, I continue on with no respite
I can never seem to catch my breath
Yet everyday you send love letters to me
Your affectionate displays are around me always
I only need to open my eyes to see them
If I would just awake to my surroundings, there you would be
God, you are waiting for and pursuing me
My heart is being wooed and won by my Lord
Your affection I can’t begin to fathom
Your love is beyond my comprehension
You chose me before I was born
Yes, before time began I belonged to you