The possibility of pain

I recently spent some time in Florida.  The beaches, the sun, the warmth, the sand, the amount of books I was able to read, was good for my soul.  I was able to spend some time with my younger sister who lives down there and I managed to sneak some time in with a friend who happens to live in the same city as my sister.  It was amazing.  I've now been plunged back into Michigan's bipolar spring (you would think I would be used to this having lived here my entire life) and am missing the afternoons spent outside with a book in hand.

But I had a conversation with my friend while I was down in Florida and it's been running around my head now for the last week and a half.  So I decided to come here and share what God's been impressing on my heart as I've been reflecting.

To understand the context of this conversation, you have to know what my life has been like over the last 5 months.  I'm going to give you the cliff notes version, okay?

In early November, right before my birthday, the guy I was dating broke up with me.  There were some circumstances surrounding the break up that made me question the timing.  We had a couple conversations and I told him that I believed God was telling me to fight for him.  And I did.  For 3.5 months.  Until it became crystal clear that I could stop fighting and move on.  So about 1.5 months ago I started reentering life and truly enjoying every moment again.  There's a lot more details I'm obviously leaving out, but that's not the main point of this post.  Basically you need to know, I wasn't expecting the break-up and felt blind-sided.  It sucked. It hurt. It was painful.  But can I share something?  God is really good at this healing thing.

Why did you need to know this?  Because this was the conversation that my friend and I were having. But it was her comment about all of this that made me pause and has caused me to continue processing over the past week or so.  Her comment was about how no one saw this coming and wondering how we keep it from happening again in the future.

And while we talked about different ways that we can be discerning about who we are in a relationship with, the answer that I kept coming back to is that we can't.  If we are truly looking to gain any sort of close relationship with anyone, a friend, a family member, a potential significant other, we open ourselves to the possibility of pain, of being hurt.  It's going to happen.  We're humans.  We hurt each other.  And while we can be discerning in relationships, we're not perfect.  Caring about anyone opens you to the possibility of pain.

What we do with that pain is incredibly important though.

Are we trying to quiet the hurt and pain with something that the world offers?  Or are we running to Jesus?  Because he gets it.  He so gets relational pain.  And that's really what I was struck with over the last couple of weeks.

If anyone understands the pain of a relationship rejection, it's God.

He created us in the Garden of Eden because it gave him pleasure.  He created us for a relationship with him.  But we rebelled.  We decided that we knew best.  And our relationship with God was fractured. And it caused God's heart pain.  By creating us he had opened himself up to the possibility of rejection, and we followed through with that rejection quite well.

But that's not the end of the story.  Because God wanted a restored relationship with us.  So he had a plan.  A plan that would cost him so much.  He sent his son.  And the response of the people to the son? Rejection.  To the point that they nailed him to the cross and killed him.  But I am so thankful for what Easter means. Because Jesus didn't stay dead. He conquered death and sin and made a way for us to once again have a relationship with God.  Yet, in doing that, God is still incredibly vulnerable.  He has opened himself up to rejection once again.  He will never force a relationship on anyone.  We have to choose to come to him.  And the choice of people to not have a relationship with him, breaks his heart.

God understands pain in relationships.

And who better to comfort us when we experience pain in our relationships?

Because here's what I think God also understands: By opening ourselves to others and the possibility of pain, we are also opening ourselves to the possibility of joy, and laughter, and love, and hope.  Without the possibility of pain, what meaning is there in any of these other things?  What do we have to compare them to?

What is a life full of acquaintances but no real meaningful relationships?

Please know my heart.  I am by no means saying to stay in friendships and dating relationships and other relationships that continually and consistently cause you pain and hurt. People who hurt you with no regard to the pain they continually inflict may need to play a much lesser role in your life, if they even play one at all.

What I am saying is this:

In any close relationship, pain is possible. Where we take that pain and what we do with it, matters. And Jesus gets it.  So cling to him.

And can I tell you something else?  Pain has a purpose.  The pain that we experience has a way of bringing us to the end of ourselves. To running to Jesus.  To being made more like him.  Pain has a way of growing us like nothing else.

Were there several months of the last 5-6 months that were incredibly painful and hard? Yes.  But looking back, I wouldn't change them. Because I see where I am now.  I see what God has done in my life.  Would I have ever chosen the pain of those months before going through them?



Nope. Not at all.  No way, Jose.  Not in a million years. (I can say this a bunch more ways if you'd like).

But I wouldn't change them.  I wouldn't change the nights spent in pain and heartache where I knew the only place to turn was Jesus.  And I wouldn't change the joy and hope and life that came at the end of the pain.  Because it was that much sweeter and more meaningful because of the pain. I would never choose pain.  But I am thankful for the way God uses painful events and circumstances to make me more like him.

Joy

Laughter is so healing.

I've seen this many times in my own life over the last few years... and with a rough season at work right now, I'm realizing the truth of God's word once again:

Proverbs 17:22
"A cheerful heart is good medicine..."

This morning I was cheerful at work... and people noticed the difference.  If they noticed me being cheerful, then what have I been the past few weeks?

One of the reasons I've always loved my job is because laughter abounds... there is nothing better than coming to work, getting done what needs to get done, and laughing while doing it.  I love the people I work with.

But lately, tensions and stress has been higher than normal.  Laughter happens less and less.  And it's wearying.  Quality suffers, productivity suffers, tempers become short and memories become long.  It's not healthy.

The second part of that verse is "...but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

That's what's happening right now.

But here's the deal.  Here's where God is speaking to my heart.

In Jesus, I have hope, joy and peace.

I don't have to have a crushed spirit.  I get to choose to be filled with joy.  My coworkers should look at me and think that I'm 100% insane because of the hope and joy I have.  It shouldn't be something to notice when I'm walking around with a big smile on my face, laughing, and just happy.

Choosing joy isn't easy.  In fact, sometimes it seems down right impossible.  But with God all things are possible.

And choosing joy is worth it.

That's what I'm working on today... choosing joy even in the midst of complete chaos.  Because He is peace.  He is hope. He is JOY.

2009 in Review

2009 had its ups and downs. God’s blessings and provisions were amazing, but life, as always, was not without its share of difficulty.

In January I started a new job working with a mentally impaired Deaf woman. This was such a blessing! It pays more than minimum wage, is close to home, and utilizes my sign language skills. This job was totally a God thing and I actually really love it (most days). There have been some ups and downs, but this job has been a major blessing. In addition, this past fall I was allowed to use it as my Field Experience for school which was really great since I wasn’t sure how I was going to fit in one more activity in my schedule!

During the winter semester I was working three jobs (Hallmark, Writing Center Tutor, and the new job) and taking 15 credit hours at school (including almost all of my interpreting classes). It was an insane schedule, but God saw me through it. Normally I get sick about once a semester, but not once did I get sick during that semester! God is so good! I was also involved in a Kairos group again with an amazing group of girls. The book that we read was awesome (Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus) and I really grew close to the group of girls I was with.

In May I watched a couple of friends graduate (and a couple move away). That was really bittersweet. I was really excited for them but I knew I would miss them in the fall when school started back up again. Also in May, I quit my job at Hallmark. My schedule was just getting too hectic and something needed to go. Hallmark paid the least and had the worst schedule, so it went. I still go back and visit every once in while and I still shop there when I need something. The month of May must have been really busy, because during that month I also got my first taste of KidBUILDERS. KidBUILDERS (KB) is part of a ministry down in Detroit called LifeBUILDERS. Its focus is ministering to the local kids and bringing them into a closer relationship with Jesus. I absolutely loved it from the first moment I walked in. I went the whole month of May and then managed to arrange my school schedule for the fall to allow me to go down every Tuesday night. I fell in love with these kids and as much as they can drive me crazy some nights, I wouldn’t stop going for the world. They have blessed me beyond belief and I’m sure they don’t even realize it.

The summer was pretty crazy. It was the first summer that I didn’t have any classes to take, but it still was really busy. In June, we did our VBS (Vacation Bible School) down at KB. I had such an amazing time. I mean, normally VBS is my favorite time of the year (think a little kid and Christmas), but I had a blast with these kids. The crew I had was of all little boys. I have never seen so much energy in one place, but I loved every minute of the craziness! I know God is going to use the energy for his glory!! Though at times, I’ll admit, I was wishing I had some of their energy!

July brought our VBS at Heritage and the carnival. Both were just amazing. There were so many people and kids there. It is still hard to believe! I was really excited for VBS this year because I knew I had two of them to do! In addition, July also brought the start of the Watershed Girls Bible study. That was amazing and I had such a great time fellowshipping with a bunch of girls and doing Beth Moore’s Bible study on Esther. I learned so much and God used that to totally work in my life.

August was pretty busy because my cousin was getting married and I was in the wedding. It was a beautiful wedding that took place on August 15th. Right after the wedding Jess moved back to Pennsylvania where she and her new husband, Peter, live. We miss her, but she comes up to visit every once in awhile.

September came and with it the start of my senior year of college. Time sure has flown. I took 13 credit hours and pulled a 4.0 this semester. I also survived a 21 page final that covered my four years in the Sign Language Studies Department. The semester was a bit stressful, but it went well. I was also involved in another Kairos group. These girls totally rock my socks off! I love them to death and we just click so well. I know God placed me in that group at just the right time, when he knew I would need it. We also read an amazing, life-changing, heart-wrecking book (The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller) which brought me to my knees more than once all out searching and seeking God’s face. It still amazes me how much God can use books and conversation to slap me upside the head when he’s trying to teach me something. And teach me something he did. God used that book in powerful ways.

At the end of the semester, I found out a new friend was moving back home (to a different state). As sad I was to see him go, I’m really excited to see what God has planned for him in this new step. I also watched more friends close to me graduate and leave me for one more semester until I can join them! It’s been hard to see all these friends move on, but I’m really excited for them and for what’s next in their lives!

Other random things that happened in 2009:

• I celebrated my 21st birthday in November by going out to breakfast with my grandma, getting a manicure and pedicure, and going out to dinner with my family. On a side note, for the first time ever I was able to wear flip flops on my birthday! It was 60 degrees!!
  
• I still hate driving, but between work and school I can drive between 400 and 500 miles a week. I spend an enormous amount of time in my car.
  
• I had my first two paid interpreting jobs this year (don’t wearing interpreting people, both were perfectly legal!)
  
• My parents celebrated their 25th anniversary and my “little” sister turned 16!
  
• Uncle Dave Kuhnle has been declared cancer free!
  
• God has been faithful to my family even during unemployment, cancer, and surgeries.
  
• I had my first crown… I am an official princess now …. Still waiting for my prince though…
  
• I have one semester left of school, one tuition payment left, and I’m still debt free!
  
• This year I have seen heart change, life change, answered prayer, and people pursuing God sized passions and dreams, and it has thrilled my heart beyond belief to watch this.
  

2009 may be almost over. This year God has proven himself faithful over and over again. In 2010, I hope to see more heart change, life change, answered prayer, and people pursuing God sized passions and dreams. Yet, more than anything else, I hope—and pray—for the biggest heart change and life change to be my own, for prayers to be answered in ways that can only be explained by “It was totally God”, and for my passions and dreams to be God sized. 2009 was great, but I can’t wait to see what God will do in 2010.

Delighting and Desires

So lately my mind has been on love and such. Maybe it's the fact that many of my friends are now engaged and I'm still single and waiting. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that my cousin is getting married in couple of months and I'm standing up in the wedding. Whatever the reason, it's been hitting me lately how very single I am and how quite a bit of the time I'd rather not be. Don't get me wrong, some days I am really good with being single. Other days are a bit more trying as I continually learn how to be content with my life situation. All this to say, while trying to not think about this subject quite so much and not worry about the future, God reminded me of something I wrote in my journal after one of Cliff's messages at Lighthouse (on 1/4/09). So the following is the notes from my journal on that night and possibly some additional commentary now:

What Delighting Means...

"Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalms 37:4

Delight doesn't mean I'm happy with God. It means that he is my everything-- my sustainer, my lover, my hope, my past, present, and future, and everything else I need (or desire).

My desires aren't really a boyfriend, to be famous, or to be the best at what I do, but rather they stem from a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, honored, and highly thought of.

When I delight in God, the desires of my heart are truly being met in every sense of the word. I am being loved, honored, cherished, treasured, esteemed, appreciated, and he thinks very highly of me. When I delight myself in God, my desires are met beyond what i ever could dream of-- because I have finally said, "God you are more than enough for me."

Back to the present. At times I wonder if I can truly say that God is more than enough for me. And even more than that, do I live like he's more than enough for me? Do I live like he's fulfilled the deepest desires of my heart? Most often the answer would sadly be no. Too often I look to people to fulfill what I see as the desires of my heart. But just as often, people can't provide the fulfillment of those desires. The desire continues, wanting, yearning to be filled. And too often I don't turn to the one who can fill it, the one who has already filled it if I would just realize it!

So I think with where my thoughts have been lately and what I've been thinking my desires are I needed to reread this. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for marriage and hope to be married myself one day :-) But a human is never going to fulfill the desires of my heart, only God can do that. Humans will fail, but God never fails. And this was a good reminder of some of the lessons that God has been teaching me lately.