Moments

There's a bunch of stuff I could be doing right now.

Instead I'm sitting here, typing, listening to Jesus music, spending time with Jesus and trying to process the last couple of days.

My heart is sad.

My heart is sad because there's this family who's pretty amazingly special to me.  This family is my family when I'm not with my actual family.  This is a family who I've grown with, loved with, laughed with, and been challenged with.

And I found out earlier this week that they'll be moving at least several hours away.

And that makes my heart sad because I'm going to miss them like crazy.  I love these people so much.

Some moments I'm okay.  When I'm with people, with them, I'm usually okay.  Mostly because I'm focused on making sure everyone else is okay and I'm keeping busy.  I'm too busy praying silently for other people as we hold each other to think about what my heart's feeling.

But I have my moments.

When someone says something sweet about this family.  When someone else starts crying.  When someone reaches in for a hug.  When I just stop and let myself think and process.

In those moments I turn into an emotional basket case of tears.  Like my friend said, it comes in waves. I'll be fine one minute and bawling the next.  Trying not to sob.  Like right now while I'm typing this.

It happens at strange times.  Like when I walked in the door tonight and started to make dinner.  I was grating cheese and just started sobbing.  Still not quite sure what set that bout of tears off.

But even in that moment of sobbing and grating cheese, my first instinct was that I needed some time with Jesus.  I needed to let him comfort my heart, pull me close and wipe my tears.  I needed him to speak truth and love to my heart.
And he has.

It's in these moments that he reminds me of his character.  That he is good.  That he is love.  That he is faithful.  And that I can trust him.

I honestly don't know how people deal with things when they don't have Jesus.  Because in those moments when I break down, it's not especially pretty.  But in even the tears, there's still hope.   There's still peace.  There's still the gentle whisper of God's love.

And in those whispers, God reminds me that his love travels many miles.  And the love that this family and I have for each other will travel many miles.  Distance won't change the love we have for each other.  It just may have to change the way that love is expressed. Vacations to see each other instead of every weekend.  Letters, texts, emails, and Skype dates instead of lunch dates, coffee dates, and sleep overs.  Still haven't found a replacement for the hugs yet though...I'll just have to stock up with as many as possible before they leave.

So basically, all this to say, I'm going to be sad.  And that's okay, because that means that I really love my friends and I'm going to miss them.  I'm going to be happy, because they're going to get to do awesome things where they're going and I'm going to get to do awesome things here.

And in all those moments, the happy and the sad, I'm going to run to Jesus.  Because he gets it.  He understands.  He knows.  And he gives some pretty awesome hugs too.  And my heart desperately needs them.

Happy 19th Re-Birthday to Me

I woke up this morning and as soon as I saw the date I knew the importance of the date.

Today is my 19th re-birthday.

Today is the 19th anniversary of the day I chose to follow Jesus.

And because of that, today is special.

All day today I've been reflecting on this last year of following Jesus.  It's had its up and downs for sure.  There have been times when I have not been completely faithful to the one I gave my heart and life to 19 years ago.  But there have been some really AWESOME times this year.  Times where Jesus has revealed his love for me, taught me more about him, and taught me more about myself and how he uniquely created me.

Some of my favorite moments from this last year are the times when I got to have conversations with people about Jesus and just love on people... even if they don't end up loving Jesus too.  Those have been the times that I have felt alive.  They've also been the times that bring me even closer to Jesus, because it never fails that, as I talk about what God is doing in my life with people who haven't chosen to follow Jesus, I find myself spending a lot of time in prayer.  For them, for me, for life.

So today, in the midst of my celebrating and reflection, I want to love on you and have a conversation about Jesus.  So pour the hot beverage of your choice and let's talk :-)

Someone asked me once why I believed in Jesus so strongly when I'm so young.  I really only had one answer.  Basically what it comes down to is that I've experienced God's grace and forgiveness in ways that I can't begin to describe.  After everything that I've done and everything I've gone through, Jesus is still the same.  And his love is still overwhelming.  I worked so hard to try and please people only to finally begin to realize that pleasing Jesus is the only one who matters.  I still screw things up royally... way more often than I care to admit.  But that's the truth.  I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be.

But there's another truth that I can't fully wrap my head around, but I know it's truth.  Jesus saw something in me.  He loved me even when I didn't see anything worth loving in myself.  He called me and told me I was his.  He chose me.  He adopted me into his family.  He calls me friend, daughter, beloved.

How could I not respond to a love like that? How could I not choose to follow Jesus when I've experienced that kind of love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy?

That's what today is about.  It's not about celebrating me and a decision I made.  It's about celebrating Jesus.  It's about celebrating that he chose me and he loves me.  He loved me enough to die for me.  And he loves me enough to continue making me into his woman.  It's about celebrating and remembering what Jesus has done in me and through me.

And it's a time of hope that, one day, each of you will experience that love.

I'm serious about the hot beverage and a chat too.  I'd love to have conversations with any of you... even if you don't agree with me.  We can talk via text, Skype, Facebook, email, in person, or even by carrier pigeon if you prefer.

So are you up for it?  Are you willing to have a conversation?

Reflection

I wasn't going to write tonight.

In fact, I should have been in bed already if I want to go to the gym tomorrow... we'll see if I can get moving in time now.

But as I was turning off lights and closing doors and windows in my house, something prompted me to check my blog stats.  If I'm writing, I usually check them once a day but I had family from out of town over for dinner and to see my new house and never got to it tonight.  That is, until a few minutes ago.

And as I checked my blog stats to see how many people have been reading and what they've been reading lately, I noticed someone, or several someones, have been reading some of the older posts on my blog.  Not super old.  They probably still pop up on the first page since I took a super long hiatus from blogging, but they're old to me.

So much life has been lived since then.

And it made me reflect.

Some of the posts that popped up were from a tremendously difficult season of life.  It was a season that only God got me through and you all were able to experience parts of through this blog.   My cousin's 5 1/2 month old baby passed away.  My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me.  And I had just celebrated my birthday which is normally fabulous but felt completely empty that year.

It was hard.

There's really no other words to describe it.  But in reality, it was harder than hard.  And so I reflected tonight on where God has brought me and the joy I now have in my life because I'm living to follow him more than I did back then.

I reflected on the fact that God is good.  My cousin is 7 months pregnant again (that's who I just saw tonight).  And we couldn't be more thrilled for this new little baby boy soon to show up.  We will always miss Jared and this little one will never take his place, but he's a blessing from God.  He's a reminder of God's goodness even in the difficult times.

I reflected on the peace, contentment, and joy I have in my life now.  When I was dumped, I was depressed for a solid month and in and out of depression for several more after.  I can remember exactly where I was the first time I truly laughed again.  I can remember coming out of that fog and seeing and knowing that God was still good in EVERYTHING.  And I can remember coming to realize that God's plans are best and it wouldn't have been a good idea at all to stay in that relationship.

I looked back and I saw how God is writing my story.  I looked back and saw his faithfulness.  I saw his mercy.  His grace.  His tender love.

I saw God's fingerprints on every part of my life and everything that he's brought me through.

Reflection is good for the soul.  Because of what God has done in the past, I know I can trust him with the future.  There's a song that we've been singing at church lately called "I will look up" by Elevation Worship and there's a couple lines that go like this:

I will look up, for there is none above you

I will bow down, to tell you that I need you

Jesus, Lord of all

I will look back, and see that you are faithful

I'll look ahead, believing you are able

Jesus, Lord of all

Jesus, Lord of all

Really the whole song is worth quoting and it's one of my favorite ones right now... but how true!  I look back and see that God has been faithful and because of that that I believe that he is able to accomplish more than I could ever imagine.

What has God brought you through?  Have you taken time to reflect lately?

Healthier Me

Six months ago, it felt like my heart was breaking.  Instead, through a long process of healing and drawing close to Jesus, I'm healthier than I've ever been (and I'm not talking about just physically).  So today, on what had the potential to be a very hard day for a number of reasons, I can be thankful and say:

• I am healthier spiritually.  I am closer to Jesus than I've ever been and, while I know that I still have a long way to go in my faith walk, I'm moving closer instead of farther away.  I am continually amazed by all God is teaching me and the way he shows his love to me.  Like last night, when I was reading my devotional and this verse was the verse for that day: 

Song of Songs 1:15 

Look at you! You are beautiful, my true love!

    Look at you! You are so beautiful! 

So good.  Jesus knows me so well.

• I am healthier emotionally. The word joy has found its way back into my vocabulary.  I LOVE life right now. Before, I think I was sad all of the time and didn't even really realize it.  Now I know what joy is.  I know how good it is to laugh.  I still cry, but I'll always cry because I'm sad, or happy, or embarrassed, or moved, or angry, or any other emotion that you can think of.  

• I am healthier physically.  I love the gym right now.  Not only do I get to listen to some of my favorite music which translates into I get to spend some time just worshiping Jesus, but I also feel better.  I have more energy.  I have more endurance.

• I am more me.  I like me.  I like that I'm growing closer to Jesus.  I like that I like to work out.  I like that I can cry at the drop of a hat.

I am thankful today.  Thankful that I'm a healthier person that I was six months ago.  Thankful that I love Jesus and He loves me.  Thankful for friends and family who have stuck with me and pushed me and loved on me and supported me and believed in me even when I wasn't sure I believed in myself.

Six months is a long time.  Six months is a short time.  But six months with Jesus healing your heart is the best time.  

Offering Grace...

I read something that made my heart hurt today.

Someone posted an article on Facebook about a Christian Music Artist who has come out of the closet. She's trying to reconcile her lifestyle with her faith. That in and of itself was enough to make my heart break a little, but what really made my heart hurt was what followed.

The article was on website that after people read the article they can post comments on and about the article. Reading those comments made my heart hurt. To see the hate that people proclaiming to be Christians was heartbreaking. I hate it!! Honestly, I don't agree with her lifestyle and the way that she is choosing to represent her faith. However, I have more of a problem with the arguing, hurtful comments, and misrepresentation of the Christian faith by those who leave comments on these articles.

Jesus commands us to love. How were these people's actions loving? How many people are continually turned off to Jesus because this is the "Jesus" they see?

I am by no means perfect. Trust me, I'm far from it. Yet, I hope when I fall, the Christians around me offer grace instead of condemnation, love instead of hate, and truth spoken in love instead of beating people over the head with it. And I pray that I have the same reaction to the Christians around me when they fall because I want to represent my Jesus the best way I know how: showing love, offering grace, and speaking the truth with love.

Religion vs. Relationship

We were talking in our small group the other night about the differences between a religion and caring about others, or the difference between religion and a relationship. One of the things that I brought up, that just hit me as we were talking, was that in a religion you can still be prideful. It's all about you and the rules you follow or don't follow. It's about how you act, how you behave, how good you are. Religion requires an inward focus.

However, a relationship or caring about people requires you to look beyond yourself. It requires investing in another person's life. You can be in a relationship with just yourself. In a relationship you can't always be looking out for yourself. It requires humility, service, and love.

A religion is all about me. A relationship is all about others.