The hard

I haven't written in awhile.  Partly because I'm not exactly sure what to write and partly because I'm not sure I know how to say what God keeps impressing on my heart.  But I'm going to give it a try.

These last couple of months have been HARD. Like lots of tears, long nights, and trouble laughing hard. Like I should have bought stock in Kleenex hard.  If I've been moody, depressed or distant with you, I'm sorry.  So sorry. I have so many emotions swirling around inside of me all the time that it's difficult to know which way is up and I know the people closest to me are taking the brunt of it.

Yes.  The last two and a half months have been hard.

But can I tell you what's good about the hard?

The hard brings out the people in your life who love you.  The prayers people have prayed.  The tears people have cried with me.  The hugs people have given.  The places to hide people have provided.  The sense of normalcy when everything else seems abnormal.  I would not have gotten through the last couple of months without my people.  I will not get through the next few months without my people.  The hard reminds me of who those people are.

The hard brings me closer to Jesus.  It forces me to my knees because I can't handle it on my own. It makes me pray more, read Jesus' words more, worship more.  It makes me trust him more.  Because as I have prayed for wisdom and discernment and to know which way to walk, I hear his voice.  It's not always loud.  It hasn't been easy.  But I know it's him.  I know he's saying, "Trust me."

The hard reminds me of how big my God is.  It puts children's songs running through my head to give me hope and encouragement.  It brings to mind Bible verse upon Bible verse that I've memorized about how God can do what I feel is impossible. About trusting him.  About resting in him.

This hard isn't going away yet.  I'll admit, there are days when I wonder why God hasn't let me walk away from this situation. I've even come pretty close a couple of times lately.  But every time I've gotten close to walking away from this hard, God has stopped me.  He's said, "Not yet.  Trust me." And so I do my best to trust.  And I cry and I pray and I hope and I get discouraged and I keep fighting and I pray and I figure out how to adjust my eyes back to Jesus and the cycle repeats itself about a million and one more times.

I don't know how this hard will ultimately end up.  I do know that right now, God is calling me to trust him with the hard.  And part of that trust, is trusting that God will show me when this specific season of hard is over... no matter how it ends.

I've found that I don't particularly like the hard.  I don't know many people who do.  But what I do like?  I like the results the hard produces.  I like the times I draw closer to Jesus.  I like seeing the people who love me support and love on me. I like knowing how big my God is. I like knowing that I can trust God, because he's a good God, who loves me and wants the absolute best for me.

This season of hard isn't easy, but I'm trusting that God will make it worth it.

Moments

There's a bunch of stuff I could be doing right now.

Instead I'm sitting here, typing, listening to Jesus music, spending time with Jesus and trying to process the last couple of days.

My heart is sad.

My heart is sad because there's this family who's pretty amazingly special to me.  This family is my family when I'm not with my actual family.  This is a family who I've grown with, loved with, laughed with, and been challenged with.

And I found out earlier this week that they'll be moving at least several hours away.

And that makes my heart sad because I'm going to miss them like crazy.  I love these people so much.

Some moments I'm okay.  When I'm with people, with them, I'm usually okay.  Mostly because I'm focused on making sure everyone else is okay and I'm keeping busy.  I'm too busy praying silently for other people as we hold each other to think about what my heart's feeling.

But I have my moments.

When someone says something sweet about this family.  When someone else starts crying.  When someone reaches in for a hug.  When I just stop and let myself think and process.

In those moments I turn into an emotional basket case of tears.  Like my friend said, it comes in waves. I'll be fine one minute and bawling the next.  Trying not to sob.  Like right now while I'm typing this.

It happens at strange times.  Like when I walked in the door tonight and started to make dinner.  I was grating cheese and just started sobbing.  Still not quite sure what set that bout of tears off.

But even in that moment of sobbing and grating cheese, my first instinct was that I needed some time with Jesus.  I needed to let him comfort my heart, pull me close and wipe my tears.  I needed him to speak truth and love to my heart.
And he has.

It's in these moments that he reminds me of his character.  That he is good.  That he is love.  That he is faithful.  And that I can trust him.

I honestly don't know how people deal with things when they don't have Jesus.  Because in those moments when I break down, it's not especially pretty.  But in even the tears, there's still hope.   There's still peace.  There's still the gentle whisper of God's love.

And in those whispers, God reminds me that his love travels many miles.  And the love that this family and I have for each other will travel many miles.  Distance won't change the love we have for each other.  It just may have to change the way that love is expressed. Vacations to see each other instead of every weekend.  Letters, texts, emails, and Skype dates instead of lunch dates, coffee dates, and sleep overs.  Still haven't found a replacement for the hugs yet though...I'll just have to stock up with as many as possible before they leave.

So basically, all this to say, I'm going to be sad.  And that's okay, because that means that I really love my friends and I'm going to miss them.  I'm going to be happy, because they're going to get to do awesome things where they're going and I'm going to get to do awesome things here.

And in all those moments, the happy and the sad, I'm going to run to Jesus.  Because he gets it.  He understands.  He knows.  And he gives some pretty awesome hugs too.  And my heart desperately needs them.