Delighting and Desires

So lately my mind has been on love and such. Maybe it's the fact that many of my friends are now engaged and I'm still single and waiting. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that my cousin is getting married in couple of months and I'm standing up in the wedding. Whatever the reason, it's been hitting me lately how very single I am and how quite a bit of the time I'd rather not be. Don't get me wrong, some days I am really good with being single. Other days are a bit more trying as I continually learn how to be content with my life situation. All this to say, while trying to not think about this subject quite so much and not worry about the future, God reminded me of something I wrote in my journal after one of Cliff's messages at Lighthouse (on 1/4/09). So the following is the notes from my journal on that night and possibly some additional commentary now:

What Delighting Means...

"Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalms 37:4

Delight doesn't mean I'm happy with God. It means that he is my everything-- my sustainer, my lover, my hope, my past, present, and future, and everything else I need (or desire).

My desires aren't really a boyfriend, to be famous, or to be the best at what I do, but rather they stem from a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, honored, and highly thought of.

When I delight in God, the desires of my heart are truly being met in every sense of the word. I am being loved, honored, cherished, treasured, esteemed, appreciated, and he thinks very highly of me. When I delight myself in God, my desires are met beyond what i ever could dream of-- because I have finally said, "God you are more than enough for me."

Back to the present. At times I wonder if I can truly say that God is more than enough for me. And even more than that, do I live like he's more than enough for me? Do I live like he's fulfilled the deepest desires of my heart? Most often the answer would sadly be no. Too often I look to people to fulfill what I see as the desires of my heart. But just as often, people can't provide the fulfillment of those desires. The desire continues, wanting, yearning to be filled. And too often I don't turn to the one who can fill it, the one who has already filled it if I would just realize it!

So I think with where my thoughts have been lately and what I've been thinking my desires are I needed to reread this. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for marriage and hope to be married myself one day :-) But a human is never going to fulfill the desires of my heart, only God can do that. Humans will fail, but God never fails. And this was a good reminder of some of the lessons that God has been teaching me lately.

Being Blessed...

These last few weeks... I think the past four weeks to be exact... I've been helping out with a ministry in Detroit called Lifebuilders, more specifically their children's ministry called KidBuilders. Anyway, I went down there with every intention of serving and loving on these kids. I got to do that, but... I don't know. You ever get that feeling that you know you're going to be a blessing and instead you end up the one who's blessed? These kids are amazing. I was so blessed by their love and even by their rambunctious spirits :-)

And then there's the leaders. These men and women give up every (or almost every) Tuesday night to spread Jesus' love to these kids. They have such a passion for them and for sharing their faith. It's rather humbling and convicting to be honest. How often do I live out my faith by giving of my time? How often is my time more precious to me than those sweet kids?

They sorely need more leaders. I am so grateful that next semester I was able to arrange my schedule to be down there every week. These kids have a passion for Jesus that can put mine to shame... maybe I'll learn from them. Wait. Scratch that maybe... I know I'll learn from them.

So, here's to learning how to give of my time and how to love these kids and my Jesus better!

Prayer and Mosquitoes

Last night, I got together with some people from Lighthouse. Most of these people I had seen at Lighthouse, but never really met. Anyway, we all got together for one purpose: lifting up Lighthouse and our leaders in prayer. We had such an amazing time of prayer and then worship. Our group was there for three hours! It was so sweet and refreshing to be around young adults who love Jesus. The fellowship and the time we spent together was so incredible that I don't even really mind the massive amounts of mosquito bites I now have or the fact that I can't get the smell of bonfire smoke out of my hair. Okay, so maybe I mind a little, but not as much as if I had just been sitting outside doing nothing last night.

Anyways, today my heart is just overflowing with love for my Jesus.

Oh! And one of the coolest things.... Jesus sent bats to eat the mosquitoes!! How cool is that! I serve a God who cares enough about me to send bats to eat pesky little creatures so I can spend time with Him without distractions!!

Being still...

Recently I quit working at Hallmark. I really needed some time to rest and just be quiet. As I've had the past week to reflect on no longer working at Hallmark and the semester being over, I realized something. I don't know how to be still and relax.

I used to be very good at this. When I was younger, i prided myself in not allowing too many things in my schedule. Even my first year of college I tried to limit my activities outside of work and school. Then school and work took over my life, but I still wanted to have a life with friends so I added that too. That lead to this past semester of 15 credit hours, 3 jobs, and not being home most nights. Then all of the sudden all that stopped.

Now I don't spend enough time doing what matters in life. Instead I spend my time frivolously on the computer or doing other mindless menial tasks. Instead of spending time with the awesome, amazing, beyond understanding creator of the universe who loved me enough to die for, I go get on Facebook to read my friends status updates. I love spending time with my Jesus, I just forget how much I love spending time with him when I'm involved in something else. How many precious, sweet, tender moments have I missed in the arms of my Jesus because I've been too busy doing nothing of importance? What changes might have been made in my life by spending that time with him?

The way I've been spending time with my Jesus lately, you sure wouldn't know that I love to do it. And frankly, I have no excuse. I mean really, "Sorry Jesus, Facebook was calling my name tonight." That's not going to fly... with him or me.

So here's to the journey of learning how to spend time being quiet and still with my Jesus. Letting him hold me in his arms. Allowing my heart to be challenged and changed. Will you join me??

Fear of Failure

On Sunday night Cliff was talking about fear and how it can control us. He mentioned how a lot of the time we try to cover up our fears with something: anger, throwing ourselves into another pursuit, being intellectual...etc. Fear has always been something I dealt with, but when Cliff brought it up, I honestly was having a hard time pinpointing exactly what I fear. That is, until I read my chapter in my Kairos book on Monday. The author was talking about Risk and how in order to fail we must risk. And not only that, but it is very difficult to succeed without failure (I mean, look at Edison, how many times did he fail trying to make the light bulb??).

This concept really hit home. If you know me, you know I bill myself as a perfectionist. I like things done right and preferably done right the first time. For the first time I see this as a manifestation (yeah I know, big word) of my fear of failure. If I'm perfect then I can't fail. But if I have to be perfect in everything I don't attempt anything in which I might not be perfect in. If I know I can't do it right I won't try. Why? Because I'm afraid. Afraid that others might notice that I'm not perfect, afraid I'll let someone down. Fear is controlling.

In the past few days as I've been mulling this over, I've often thought of how many opportunities I've missed because I've been afraid to fail. How many experiences have I given up because I'm afraid to take a risk? How many memories did I sacrifice to keep up my image? In all honesty, I really don't want to think about all that I have missed. Yet, it's because of what I've missed that I know I can't continue to miss it. I have to risk, I have to be willing to fail, I have to be willing to give up the image that I have tried so desperately to keep up.

So what's the remedy for this fear? Jesus. His perfect love. The confidence that comes from knowing that if I fail, He's still there. I may fall flat on my face, but he's right beside me, picking me up and dusting me off. When I begin to understand that his love is unconditional and forever, I'll start to risk it for him and his glory. Failure will happen, but I'll understand that I don't need perfection. Perfection is an impossible goal and it's one that I don't need to attain.

So this is a start for my journey of leaving fear behind, embracing failure, and loving Jesus.

Moments

I've been reading a book for my Kairos group called "Chasing Daylight" by Erwin McManus (sp?). The first chapter was all about living in the moment and seizing every opportunity to do whatever it is that God asks. Thinking about that I wonder how often do I truly seize the moment that I'm living to bring God glory and praise. How often do I miss moments because I'm so focused on trying to figure out what God wants me to do in the next five years? What about what God is trying to accomplish in this moment?

Moments can be life changing. It was one moment that sparked the decision for my major. It was one woman doing what God called her to do by asking if I had ever thought about pursing Sign Language Interpreting as a career. It was that comment that brought me to my major, my school (Madonna University), two of my three current jobs, and what I'm thinking about for my Graduate degree. One moment can have such power. People rarely realize the power of the moments they're living.

It was one moment when someone encouraged me to join a Kairos group. That led to friendships, spiritual growth and many more things that I have yet to even consider. With all these moments that have brought so much, it makes me wonder... How many moments have I missed because I've been so focused on the future and not on what God wants to do in the here and now?

The future is important, but not nearly as important as seizing every moment to bring glory and honor to God, to bring people to him, and to accomplish his purpose.

Just Jesus

I was thinking last night after I went to bed about all the Biblical characters that I'll be able to meet and talk to in heaven. I mean, how cool would it be to talk with Noah about how he put up with all those smelly animals on the ark? And maybe David could show me how he wrote his Psalms. Then I realized that when I'm in heaven, it'll be cool to talk to them, but I'd rather spend my time right by Jesus' side. How cool would that be?!?! I could spend hours talking and walking with Jesus. Even if I wasn't talking, just to be near him would be incredible. Yeah, David, Moses, and Abraham are pretty cool, but they got nothing on the one who created me, the one who loves me unconditionally, the one who gave his life up for me. Yep, they've got nothing on my Jesus.

So, when I'm in heaven, that's where you'll find me... near my Jesus.