Happy 19th Re-Birthday to Me

I woke up this morning and as soon as I saw the date I knew the importance of the date.

Today is my 19th re-birthday.

Today is the 19th anniversary of the day I chose to follow Jesus.

And because of that, today is special.

All day today I've been reflecting on this last year of following Jesus.  It's had its up and downs for sure.  There have been times when I have not been completely faithful to the one I gave my heart and life to 19 years ago.  But there have been some really AWESOME times this year.  Times where Jesus has revealed his love for me, taught me more about him, and taught me more about myself and how he uniquely created me.

Some of my favorite moments from this last year are the times when I got to have conversations with people about Jesus and just love on people... even if they don't end up loving Jesus too.  Those have been the times that I have felt alive.  They've also been the times that bring me even closer to Jesus, because it never fails that, as I talk about what God is doing in my life with people who haven't chosen to follow Jesus, I find myself spending a lot of time in prayer.  For them, for me, for life.

So today, in the midst of my celebrating and reflection, I want to love on you and have a conversation about Jesus.  So pour the hot beverage of your choice and let's talk :-)

Someone asked me once why I believed in Jesus so strongly when I'm so young.  I really only had one answer.  Basically what it comes down to is that I've experienced God's grace and forgiveness in ways that I can't begin to describe.  After everything that I've done and everything I've gone through, Jesus is still the same.  And his love is still overwhelming.  I worked so hard to try and please people only to finally begin to realize that pleasing Jesus is the only one who matters.  I still screw things up royally... way more often than I care to admit.  But that's the truth.  I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be.

But there's another truth that I can't fully wrap my head around, but I know it's truth.  Jesus saw something in me.  He loved me even when I didn't see anything worth loving in myself.  He called me and told me I was his.  He chose me.  He adopted me into his family.  He calls me friend, daughter, beloved.

How could I not respond to a love like that? How could I not choose to follow Jesus when I've experienced that kind of love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy?

That's what today is about.  It's not about celebrating me and a decision I made.  It's about celebrating Jesus.  It's about celebrating that he chose me and he loves me.  He loved me enough to die for me.  And he loves me enough to continue making me into his woman.  It's about celebrating and remembering what Jesus has done in me and through me.

And it's a time of hope that, one day, each of you will experience that love.

I'm serious about the hot beverage and a chat too.  I'd love to have conversations with any of you... even if you don't agree with me.  We can talk via text, Skype, Facebook, email, in person, or even by carrier pigeon if you prefer.

So are you up for it?  Are you willing to have a conversation?

Redeeming Dates

I have this thing about dates.  As in, days on the calendar kind of dates.

I remember birthdays, anniversaries, and other "important" dates easily.

Most of the time, this is a good thing.  Sometimes it's a hard thing.

Dates that have good times and memories associated with them are fantastic to remember.

But then there's the other kind of dates.  The dates seared in my mind because they weren't so happy.  And sometimes I don't know how I'm going handle that date until I'm there.

Sometimes I wish my brain wasn't so good at remembering dates.  There are some dates that I wish I could wipe the significance of out of my mind.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy a day without thinking about the significance of the date.  I may be far past the hurt that happened, but every time the date rolls around, I know what it signifies.

Today's one of those days.  One of those days where the date has some previous hurt attached to it.  And I'm doing okay.  But part of me wishes this day didn't hold any significance... that nothing would trigger when I look at the calendar.

But that's not the case.

I do remember the date.  And I remember the hurt.  And I remember the pain of that day two years ago.

But God's teaching me something.

He's reminding me that I don't live there anymore.

He's reminding me of the healing that he's done in my life since then.

He's reminding me of the laughter I've shared since then.

He's reminding me that he is the redeemer of my days.

Two years ago, I wouldn't have thought that was possible.  But now?

Now I know.

I know God heals.

I know God redeems.

I know God has a plan and a purpose for everything.

I know God loves to hear me laugh.

And I know he has redeemed this date.  This date is no longer one that signals pain, hurt, and heartache, but is instead a date that reminds me of true friendship, laughter, healing, and God's promises and care.

"This is what the Lord says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow." Isaiah 48:17

25

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday.

Though if you ask the waitress at our favorite local restaurant, I look 15.  And if you ask her mom, the owner, I look about 20.

I think it's funny.

But with tomorrow being my 26th birthday, I've decided to take some time and reflect on this last night of being 25.  And I've chosen to do that with all of you.

25 was a fabulous year in many ways.  It started off with a birthday trip to Greenfield Village, a home inspection, church, and dinner with some great friends who are so dear to my heart.

God was bringing me out of a year that, while filled with good times and healing, was also incredibly difficult.

And 25 was a year where God continued to heal my heart.  It's been a year that's just been good.  Fun.  Joy-filled.

Yes, there have still been days that have been full of frustration and annoyances, but looking back, it's been a year of blessings.

Material blessings: a new house, stuff for the house, Orlando vacation, and more.

Physical blessings: almost 20 lbs. lost, less headaches as I've starting cutting out processed foods, better health in general.

Relationship blessings: friends that are more like family, coworkers who are more like family, new friends, old friends, trips to see friends.

Spiritual blessings: growing closer to Jesus, letting God show me who he created me to be, talking with friends about Jesus, about what Jesus is doing in my life, about what he is or could be doing in their lives, watching people grow closer to Jesus... even if they don't always realize that they're getting closer to Jesus.

25 has been a good year.  Lots of good memories.  Lots of joyous laughter.  Lots of being who God made me to be.  Lots of life lived fully.

I can only imagine what 26 will bring.

Lonely

This is one of those blog posts that is going to be hard to press publish on.  This is one of those blog posts that something deep within me is screaming, "Don't write it! Don't be that open and vulnerable. Don't let people in."  And yet, these are the posts that God uses the most in my own life.  These are the posts that bring healing to my heart and help stop the numerous thoughts swirling in my head on a daily basis.

So here I am.  Typing away.  Working up the nerve to tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now.

And it's not easy.  But I know in the end it will be worth it.  So here it goes...

I'm different.  I don't feel like I fit in most of the time.  I'm not normal (whatever normal is anyway...).

And that often leaves me feeling very lonely.

In all honesty, I'm usually okay with being different, with being smart, following Jesus, and being who he created me to be.

I LIKE me.

But then I have days where it's all just very overwhelming.  Where I just wish I could relate to people better.  Where I just wish that being different wasn't so hard.

It's not a new feeling.

In elementary school, I was different.  I was smart.  I liked school.  I liked my teachers.  I liked doing the right thing.  And all of that made me different... and it made it difficult to make friends.

I liked hanging out with the adults.  There was less drama.  Less cattiness.  Less chance I was going to get picked on.

Don't get me wrong.  I still had friends my own age.  But I had very few friends and I could count on one hand the number of people I would have considered a close friend who I went to school with.

These feelings didn't stop there.  I wasn't your typical teen.  I hated roller coasters, had no desire to stay up all night long or really even that late, thought video games were pointless (probably because I wasn't good at them), was homeschooled, and had pretty strict standards about the types of media I would let myself watch/listen to (some of them self imposed, some of them parental restrictions).

None of that would I change.  That's what made me, me.  But it made it difficult to connect.  I had a close group of friends, but they weren't always at activities and I found myself, once again, gravitating to the adults in my life.

Now I am an adult and the feelings haven't stopped.  There's a running saying at my office about whether or not something is "Holly-appropriate".  Most days I actually really appreciate my coworkers working to protect me from what they consider inappropriate based on what I believe.  I know they really are trying to protect me, and since my coworkers are family at this point, I love them for it.  I work hard to find points of connection with them outside of what they deem as "not-Holly-appropriate".  It's why you'll find football games on inside my house when I'm pretty indifferent towards the game.  It's why, when I finally have 2-3 people tell me a certain movie is "Holly-appropriate", I do a little research and make an effort to watch it.  It's why I look at cat pictures and share recipes and send English/writing jokes back and forth.  It's why I'll go to the bar with them and drink pop while we all just talk.

That's most days.

And then there are the days when I just want to say, "Screw it.  I don't want to be different anymore.  I just want to fit in.  I don't care if things are 'Holly-appropriate' or not, I just want to be normal for once in my life. I want to not have to ask if something is a movie quote or from a TV show or a pop culture reference that just completely went over my head.  I want to not feel like the odd man out, alone, and lonely."

And usually after the mini-tantrum/pity party I throw, I get my head screwed back on straight and I realize I do care if something is "Holly-appropriate" or not.  I do care what I put into my mind and body.  I do want to be different.  Because I'm following Jesus, and that requires me to be different.  It means my life should look different.  My life should be more love-filled, hope-filled, joy-filled, and peace-filled.  And part of how I get it that way is to live differently.

But it doesn't always change that last sentence.

I still get tired of feeling lonely.

Of feeling like the odd man out.

Of feeling like no one quite understands all the thoughts constantly swirling around in my head.

Of feeling like I'm the only one who chooses to live like this, to follow Jesus.

But that's not the reaction I need to have.

Because Jesus gets it.


Jesus got lonely.

No one quite understood the thoughts swirling around in his head constantly.

There were probably pop culture references he just did not get.

And if it's not "Holly-appropriate", can just imagine the things people wouldn't tell Jesus because it wasn't "Jesus-appropriate"?

So instead of throwing myself a pity party accompanied by a class A tantrum because I feel left out and lonely, what if I turned to Jesus, spilled my guts to him, and let him comfort me?  Let him show me that I'm not alone?  And that his truth is greater than my feelings?

Because that's the truth: Jesus gets it.  Jesus will never leave me or forsake me.  And the truth and how I feel aren't always in sync... I'd rather trust the truth.

So today I'm going to try something different.  I'm going to run to Jesus.  I'm going to embrace what makes me different.  I'm going to keep choosing to live following Jesus.  I'm going to keep loving the people around me.  And I'm going to be thankful that God put people in my life who care enough to warn me and protect me when something's not "Holly-appropriate".

Not Quite Normal...

Today was a day of firsts.

It was the first time I had a house guest.

It was the first time I was late to work.

It was the first time I called 911.

It was the first time I had an ambulance in my driveway and a firetruck parked in front of my house.

It was the first time I've had on duty first responders in my house.

And I thought it was going to be a semi normal morning...

My best friend flew in yesterday because her little brother is getting married this weekend.  Since we hadn't seen each other in a couple of months and our work schedules hadn't allowed for a Skype date since the last time she was in town in May, she decided to spend the night at my house when she got in.  She wanted to see what I'd done with the place since the last time she saw it was the day I closed on the house.

Everything seemed normal.  She arrived; we ate a fabulous dinner of roast beef, mashed potatoes, and green beans from Aurora's Family Restaurant; we stayed up for a couple hours catching up and talking.  Normal stuff we do every time we're together.

Then we went to bed.

Normally I get up at 5 AM, go to the gym, get ready at the gym and head to work.  And by get up at 5 AM, I mean stumble around my house, grab my gym bag and work stuff and head out the door where hopefully an accelerated heart rate at the gym means I'm awake by the time work rolls around.

Since my best friend had spent the night, and I knew we would likely stay up talking, I set my alarm for an hour later, told my sister I wasn't going to the gym, and went to bed.

It was fairly normal.

This morning my alarm went off.  I stumbled around for a few minutes only half awake and then hopped in the shower... okay so it was more like dragged myself into the shower hopping to wake up.  In case you haven't figured it out, I'm not a morning person.... or a night owl... I just really like sleep.

But I digress.

I got out of the shower and went to walk back across the house to finish getting ready for work.

That's when things became decidedly abnormal.

As I headed down the hallway, I heard a noise in my living room.  My best friend was on the couch and at first I thought she was sobbing.  Then I heard the words, "My chest hurts and I'm having shortness of breath" come out of her mouth while she was breathing rapidly.

Somehow I stayed calm.  I still don't know how that happened.

Short digression.... There is a reason I did not go into the medical field... actually there are several reasons.  Among them are blood, needles, and sick people... I don't normally handle any of them well.

So I did what any normal person would do at 6:20 AM... I turned on the light so I could see in the house.

Then she told me to call 911.  And that's when I really knew she wasn't feeling well.

So I calmly called 911.  And then I calmly called her mother.  And then I calmly called my mom.  And then I opened the door so I could see when the emergency vehicles arrived.  And then I let the firefighters in while my hair was still up in a towel and I was still in my bathrobe.

And I was still calm.

I will admit, I looked away when they stuck the needle for the IV in her arm... they didn't need two patients to work on.

By the time they took her away in the ambulance, she was starting to feel a little better.  I called a couple more people to let them know which hospital they were taking her to and then finally got dressed.  I grabbed my stuff for work, texted my boss that I would be late, and headed up to the hospital.

I saw her for a few minutes at the hospital, told her she should feel privileged that I was there since I HATE hospitals, and left her in the capable hands of her parents while I headed off to work.

Where I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes to decompress.

The doctor ended up attributing it to something like a panic attack and she was released from the hospital before lunch.

But there are a couple of things I need to point out in this story.  Ways that I see God's hand so clearly in everything.  So bear with me, because I'm going to make a list.  Because I really like lists.

1. I didn't go to the gym.

My normal routine is to head to the gym.  God, in his wisdom, said, "You're going to stay up later than normal talking and decide not to go to the gym in the morning."  If I had gone to the gym like normal, I wouldn't have been home when this happened.  I would have been getting ready to hit the showers at the gym.  That's a God thing.

2.  I live 5 minutes from the hospital.

My friend's family is a lot farther north than I am.  If she had been at home, she would not have been nearly as close to the hospital as she was at my house.  The decision to stay at my house was a spur of the moment idea late last week.  That's a God thing.

3. I was coherent.

Normally, even after a morning shower, it takes me a little while to wake up.  I was awake and alert enough to do what needed to be done in the moment.  That's a total God thing.

4.  I still had her parents' home phone number in my phone from when we were growing up... that's a God thing.

5. I remained calm.

Since I normally don't deal with medical stuff well... well, that's for sure a God thing.

6.  She's perfectly okay.

Do I really need to say it?  Okay... GOD THING.

7.  I had a quiet day at work.

There was no drama.  There were no fires to put out.  There were happy people not crabby people.  There was laughter.  There was computer work that I could just put headphones in and work on.  And after the last few weeks, that, my friends, was a God thing.  Because I needed to decompress and be quiet and be still.

I am seriously amazed at how God works.  The little ways that he constantly shows up.  The ways that he changes our routines and normalcy ahead of time in order to provide. And I'm thankful for the way he reminds me to look at the little things, to take time and reflect, and to see what He has accomplished.

Aching Heart

I contemplated not writing this blog post.  It would be easy to never press publish, but that would defeat one of the purposes that I have for this blog: to let you see how I'm growing in Jesus and who I am in him.  It's a place for me to be completely honest.

Sometimes that's easier said then done.

Okay, so here it is:

Right now, at this stage in my life, I have a love/hate relationship with wedding showers, weddings, and baby showers.

Don't get me wrong.  If you are getting married or having a baby and I know you and love you, I am genuinely excited and happy for you.

But it still makes my heart ache a bit.

Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be married a man who loves Jesus, me, and his family.  I've wanted kids running around my house.

And, as I sit here, listening to the thunderstorms outside, I still don't have that.

I want you to understand something: I LOVE my life.  I love my job. I love my family and friends.  I love the stage I'm living.

But sometimes my heart still aches.

And as my Facebook feed fills up with engagements, weddings, and baby bumps, it's been aching a little more than normal lately.

It's not that I'm not happy for you.  Actually, I'm ecstatic! I will be the one crying tears of joy as you walk down the aisle because I am so happy to see God's blessings in your life.  I will be one of the first people in line to hold and cuddle your newborn after telling you how precious he/she is.  I will be the one rejoicing over how good God is with you as we celebrate his blessings.

And then, when I take a step back, my heart will start to ache a little bit.

The reason my heart will start to ache is because God has planted desires in my heart for marriage and a family... but his timing isn't quite yet.

It's taken me some time, but I've finally figured out what to do with my aching heart.  I used to just throw a full blown pity party for myself for a few days... moping around, asking God why it wasn't my turn yet.

But, just in the past couple of weeks, I realized I've been doing something different lately.  In all honesty, I'm not sure how long I've been doing it but the realization came just this weekend.

When my heart is aching, I run to Jesus.

I don't run to him asking when it's going to be my turn and moping about.

I run to him so he can remind me of his promises.  Soothe my heart.  Speak truth into my life.  Fill me with himself.  And make me more like him.

Instead of praying and asking God for a husband right here and now with little concern about whether or not I'm even ready to be married, I search the Bible waiting for God to speak to my heart.

And he does.  It never fails that time with Jesus is what I need.

Time to remember that Jesus is really the only one who can fill me.  Who can complete me.  Who can fulfill my desire to be loved unconditionally.

Because even once I'm married, that's not going to change.  Jesus is still going to be the only one who can do that.  He's still going to be the only one who can hold and heal my aching heart.

There are days when it's difficult to not mope.  There are days when I still mope.  But I'm slowly starting to recognize that the ache in my heart that I've hated for so long because it reminds me of what I don't physically have yet, is really a reminder to run to Jesus.  It's really a Holy Spirit prompting to spend time reminding myself of who God is.

I'm not perfect.  I don't have this all figured out.  It's taken me 25 years to figure out that the ache in my heart is an opportunity to pursue Jesus.  And I know I'll have days when I'll forget that that's what the ache means.  But today I remembered.  Today I ran to Jesus and my heart is again at peace.  It is again content.

Because I know Jesus' love for me.

Did I cry a bit as I wrote this? Yep.  Because those 10 year old dreams of the marriage and kids, not the wedding day, are still there.  But there's hope.  Because my God is a good God.  He doesn't plant desires in my heart just sit back and laugh as they go unfulfilled.  He has a plan.  He loves me.  And He is good.

So please, don't stop inviting me to your wedding showers, weddings, and baby showers.  Don't stop posting your engagement ring pictures, wedding pictures and baby bump pictures on Facebook.  And please, don't think I'm not happy for you.  Because I am.  So happy.

God's just still working on me: teaching me to run to him in everything.

^" When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." 

Ephesians 3:14-20 

Reflection

I wasn't going to write tonight.

In fact, I should have been in bed already if I want to go to the gym tomorrow... we'll see if I can get moving in time now.

But as I was turning off lights and closing doors and windows in my house, something prompted me to check my blog stats.  If I'm writing, I usually check them once a day but I had family from out of town over for dinner and to see my new house and never got to it tonight.  That is, until a few minutes ago.

And as I checked my blog stats to see how many people have been reading and what they've been reading lately, I noticed someone, or several someones, have been reading some of the older posts on my blog.  Not super old.  They probably still pop up on the first page since I took a super long hiatus from blogging, but they're old to me.

So much life has been lived since then.

And it made me reflect.

Some of the posts that popped up were from a tremendously difficult season of life.  It was a season that only God got me through and you all were able to experience parts of through this blog.   My cousin's 5 1/2 month old baby passed away.  My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me.  And I had just celebrated my birthday which is normally fabulous but felt completely empty that year.

It was hard.

There's really no other words to describe it.  But in reality, it was harder than hard.  And so I reflected tonight on where God has brought me and the joy I now have in my life because I'm living to follow him more than I did back then.

I reflected on the fact that God is good.  My cousin is 7 months pregnant again (that's who I just saw tonight).  And we couldn't be more thrilled for this new little baby boy soon to show up.  We will always miss Jared and this little one will never take his place, but he's a blessing from God.  He's a reminder of God's goodness even in the difficult times.

I reflected on the peace, contentment, and joy I have in my life now.  When I was dumped, I was depressed for a solid month and in and out of depression for several more after.  I can remember exactly where I was the first time I truly laughed again.  I can remember coming out of that fog and seeing and knowing that God was still good in EVERYTHING.  And I can remember coming to realize that God's plans are best and it wouldn't have been a good idea at all to stay in that relationship.

I looked back and I saw how God is writing my story.  I looked back and saw his faithfulness.  I saw his mercy.  His grace.  His tender love.

I saw God's fingerprints on every part of my life and everything that he's brought me through.

Reflection is good for the soul.  Because of what God has done in the past, I know I can trust him with the future.  There's a song that we've been singing at church lately called "I will look up" by Elevation Worship and there's a couple lines that go like this:

I will look up, for there is none above you

I will bow down, to tell you that I need you

Jesus, Lord of all

I will look back, and see that you are faithful

I'll look ahead, believing you are able

Jesus, Lord of all

Jesus, Lord of all

Really the whole song is worth quoting and it's one of my favorite ones right now... but how true!  I look back and see that God has been faithful and because of that that I believe that he is able to accomplish more than I could ever imagine.

What has God brought you through?  Have you taken time to reflect lately?