Monday, April 4, 2016

The possibility of pain

I recently spent some time in Florida.  The beaches, the sun, the warmth, the sand, the amount of books I was able to read, was good for my soul.  I was able to spend some time with my younger sister who lives down there and I managed to sneak some time in with a friend who happens to live in the same city as my sister.  It was amazing.  I've now been plunged back into Michigan's bipolar spring (you would think I would be used to this having lived here my entire life) and am missing the afternoons spent outside with a book in hand.

But I had a conversation with my friend while I was down in Florida and it's been running around my head now for the last week and a half.  So I decided to come here and share what God's been impressing on my heart as I've been reflecting.

To understand the context of this conversation, you have to know what my life has been like over the last 5 months.  I'm going to give you the cliff notes version, okay?

In early November, right before my birthday, the guy I was dating broke up with me.  There were some circumstances surrounding the break up that made me question the timing.  We had a couple conversations and I told him that I believed God was telling me to fight for him.  And I did.  For 3.5 months.  Until it became crystal clear that I could stop fighting and move on.  So about 1.5 months ago I started reentering life and truly enjoying every moment again.  There's a lot more details I'm obviously leaving out, but that's not the main point of this post.  Basically you need to know, I wasn't expecting the break-up and felt blind-sided.  It sucked. It hurt. It was painful.  But can I share something?  God is really good at this healing thing.

Why did you need to know this?  Because this was the conversation that my friend and I were having. But it was her comment about all of this that made me pause and has caused me to continue processing over the past week or so.  Her comment was about how no one saw this coming and wondering how we keep it from happening again in the future.

And while we talked about different ways that we can be discerning about who we are in a relationship with, the answer that I kept coming back to is that we can't.  If we are truly looking to gain any sort of close relationship with anyone, a friend, a family member, a potential significant other, we open ourselves to the possibility of pain, of being hurt.  It's going to happen.  We're humans.  We hurt each other.  And while we can be discerning in relationships, we're not perfect.  Caring about anyone opens you to the possibility of pain.

What we do with that pain is incredibly important though.

Are we trying to quiet the hurt and pain with something that the world offers?  Or are we running to Jesus?  Because he gets it.  He so gets relational pain.  And that's really what I was struck with over the last couple of weeks.

If anyone understands the pain of a relationship rejection, it's God.

He created us in the Garden of Eden because it gave him pleasure.  He created us for a relationship with him.  But we rebelled.  We decided that we knew best.  And our relationship with God was fractured. And it caused God's heart pain.  By creating us he had opened himself up to the possibility of rejection, and we followed through with that rejection quite well.

But that's not the end of the story.  Because God wanted a restored relationship with us.  So he had a plan.  A plan that would cost him so much.  He sent his son.  And the response of the people to the son? Rejection.  To the point that they nailed him to the cross and killed him.  But I am so thankful for what Easter means. Because Jesus didn't stay dead. He conquered death and sin and made a way for us to once again have a relationship with God.  Yet, in doing that, God is still incredibly vulnerable.  He has opened himself up to rejection once again.  He will never force a relationship on anyone.  We have to choose to come to him.  And the choice of people to not have a relationship with him, breaks his heart.

God understands pain in relationships.

And who better to comfort us when we experience pain in our relationships?

Because here's what I think God also understands: By opening ourselves to others and the possibility of pain, we are also opening ourselves to the possibility of joy, and laughter, and love, and hope.  Without the possibility of pain, what meaning is there in any of these other things?  What do we have to compare them to?

What is a life full of acquaintances but no real meaningful relationships?

Please know my heart.  I am by no means saying to stay in friendships and dating relationships and other relationships that continually and consistently cause you pain and hurt. People who hurt you with no regard to the pain they continually inflict may need to play a much lesser role in your life, if they even play one at all.

What I am saying is this:

In any close relationship, pain is possible. Where we take that pain and what we do with it, matters. And Jesus gets it.  So cling to him.

And can I tell you something else?  Pain has a purpose.  The pain that we experience has a way of bringing us to the end of ourselves. To running to Jesus.  To being made more like him.  Pain has a way of growing us like nothing else.

Were there several months of the last 5-6 months that were incredibly painful and hard? Yes.  But looking back, I wouldn't change them. Because I see where I am now.  I see what God has done in my life.  Would I have ever chosen the pain of those months before going through them?



Nope. Not at all.  No way, Jose.  Not in a million years. (I can say this a bunch more ways if you'd like).

But I wouldn't change them.  I wouldn't change the nights spent in pain and heartache where I knew the only place to turn was Jesus.  And I wouldn't change the joy and hope and life that came at the end of the pain.  Because it was that much sweeter and more meaningful because of the pain. I would never choose pain.  But I am thankful for the way God uses painful events and circumstances to make me more like him.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Fighting the Crazy

There are days I feel downright crazy for doing what I'm currently doing. Even though I believe God is asking me to walk this walk, it seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom.  Or maybe I just think it does.  I told you, I feel downright crazy some days.

You know when I feel the most crazy?  When I spend too much time on what ifs.  When I spend too much time scrolling through the pithy quotes on Pinterest. When I spend too much time focusing on what I think everyone else would do in this situation.

And I realized something today... after spending 3 months feeling half insane (I'm not always the quickest learner)... I feel crazy because I'm taking my eyes off the one who matters: Jesus.  He is the one who has called me to walk this road.  And this road may not go on forever, but for right now, this is the road he has called me to walk. When I keep my eyes on him, I know I'm walking the way I'm supposed to walk.  When I let my eyes drift around to see what everyone else is thinking, I start feeling like I'm insane.

I don't like feeling crazy.

So I'm thankful for a God who keeps reminding me that right here, right now, he is asking me to trust him and walk this road not knowing how or where it will end. And I'm thankful that God has put friends in my life who when I start to feel crazy, remind me that I'm not.  That what I'm feeling is normal.  That as long as I'm following God, nothing else matters.  And that they'll support me as long as I believe God is asking me to walk this way.

And I spend a lot of time praying.  Praying that God will sync my heart with his for this walk. Praying that if God tells me to turn a corner and go down a different street that I'll have the courage to step out in obedience.  Praying that if God tells me to keep walking this same road I'll have the courage to trust and continue to obey him.

So right now, I'm going to keep praying and keep trusting and keep walking and fight to keep my eyes on the one who has called me to this road rather than on things that like to point out how crazy I am.  Because I like feeling at least a little sane.


Friday, February 5, 2016

Lead Me to the Rock

I've spent the last 3 months praying myself through the hard.  Asking God for a miracle.  Pleading with God for wisdom. Praying that my heart would be in sync with God's heart and that I'd have the courage to step out in obedience for whatever he asks.  And that's just the start of what I've been bringing to God.

Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of words to pray.  Not because I think God doesn't hear me or because I think I need to say certain words.  But because I've been praying the same things for the last 3 months.  I know God doesn't get tired of me coming to him with the same things over and over, but still, I've found myself running out of words lately.  Those moments when I just can't put thoughts together anymore. There have been moments where my prayer just consists of "Jesus, please." Those moments are when my heart is just completely overwhelmed with everything that is going on.

And in those moments I'm so thankful that God can see my heart and my brokenness and can put the words together that I can't.

Because "Jesus, please." gets the point across just as well as the much longer prayers I've prayed lately.  Sometimes I think it gets the point across even better.  Because that's the moment that I have nothing else left.  The moment I come completely to the end of myself.  The moment where I'm open to letting Jesus do whatever it takes.

And that's a really good place to be.

I haven't seen that miracle yet.  I might never see these specific prayers answered the way I want.

But I know.  I know God hears me.  I know he sees the hurt and the pain my heart has been in for the last 3 months.  I know he cares.  And I know he has a plan.

And so, I'll keep praying and keep trusting and keep hoping for this specific miracle until God tells me step back.

"...when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2b

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The hard

I haven't written in awhile.  Partly because I'm not exactly sure what to write and partly because I'm not sure I know how to say what God keeps impressing on my heart.  But I'm going to give it a try.

These last couple of months have been HARD. Like lots of tears, long nights, and trouble laughing hard. Like I should have bought stock in Kleenex hard.  If I've been moody, depressed or distant with you, I'm sorry.  So sorry. I have so many emotions swirling around inside of me all the time that it's difficult to know which way is up and I know the people closest to me are taking the brunt of it.

Yes.  The last two and a half months have been hard.

But can I tell you what's good about the hard?

The hard brings out the people in your life who love you.  The prayers people have prayed.  The tears people have cried with me.  The hugs people have given.  The places to hide people have provided.  The sense of normalcy when everything else seems abnormal.  I would not have gotten through the last couple of months without my people.  I will not get through the next few months without my people.  The hard reminds me of who those people are.

The hard brings me closer to Jesus.  It forces me to my knees because I can't handle it on my own. It makes me pray more, read Jesus' words more, worship more.  It makes me trust him more.  Because as I have prayed for wisdom and discernment and to know which way to walk, I hear his voice.  It's not always loud.  It hasn't been easy.  But I know it's him.  I know he's saying, "Trust me."

The hard reminds me of how big my God is.  It puts children's songs running through my head to give me hope and encouragement.  It brings to mind Bible verse upon Bible verse that I've memorized about how God can do what I feel is impossible. About trusting him.  About resting in him.

This hard isn't going away yet.  I'll admit, there are days when I wonder why God hasn't let me walk away from this situation. I've even come pretty close a couple of times lately.  But every time I've gotten close to walking away from this hard, God has stopped me.  He's said, "Not yet.  Trust me." And so I do my best to trust.  And I cry and I pray and I hope and I get discouraged and I keep fighting and I pray and I figure out how to adjust my eyes back to Jesus and the cycle repeats itself about a million and one more times.

I don't know how this hard will ultimately end up.  I do know that right now, God is calling me to trust him with the hard.  And part of that trust, is trusting that God will show me when this specific season of hard is over... no matter how it ends.

I've found that I don't particularly like the hard.  I don't know many people who do.  But what I do like?  I like the results the hard produces.  I like the times I draw closer to Jesus.  I like seeing the people who love me support and love on me. I like knowing how big my God is. I like knowing that I can trust God, because he's a good God, who loves me and wants the absolute best for me.

This season of hard isn't easy, but I'm trusting that God will make it worth it.