I've had these thoughts rolling around in the back of my head lately and so I've come here to help me process them.
I'm healing. It's not so rough now. I can get through most days without feeling like I want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head and never leave... or if I do feel that way it's because of something unrelated to the chaos that was November.
I'm healed enough that thoughts of dating have started popping back into my head, which, since in November I swore off dating ever again (I was hurting) is progress.
And that's where I've been struggling a little bit. Figuring out what's my timing versus what's God's timing can be difficult at times. I have a friend who has offered to set me up with a really nice guy. I told her I would pray about it because I wanted to make sure that my heart was in the right place and ready (or mostly ready) for something like that.
I almost didn't want to pray about it.
You see, I was scared of the answer either way. If you've read my blog long enough, you know that change is not something I enjoy. At all. And the possibility of dating again meant change. But at the same time I was scared of not being ready. It was frustrating.
But I did pray about it. And God told me to wait.
I hate waiting.
But I've decided to wait. God is still healing my heart and as he is, he's teaching me a few things as well.
God is teaching me about love.
I'd be the first to tell you that love is a choice and love is a verb. Love is not something that you fall in and out of. Love is something you do. It is an action and it is a conscious choice.
But I forget this in one very important relationship far too often.
I forget it in my relationship with God.
Love is a choice in my relationship with God too. It's a love choice to spend time with him by reading his words, praying, and listening for his voice. It's a love choice to turn on my worship music and truly engage instead of just going through the motions. It's a love choice to set aside specific time for him everyday.
And I've been convicted. When I was dating, I talked to my ex everyday and spent hours upon hours with him on the weekends.
When's the last time I spend hours upon hours with Jesus?
So instead of just waiting during this time that God has called me to wait, I'm going to take that time and date Jesus. I'm going to spend meaningful time with him everyday. And for more than just 15 minutes a day. Because, if I'm honest, I would not have let a day pass where that would have been okay between me and my ex while we were dating.
And my relationship with Jesus is far more important to me than any human relationship I have.
What about you? Is your love for Jesus evident in the choices you make?