Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Fighting the Crazy

There are days I feel downright crazy for doing what I'm currently doing. Even though I believe God is asking me to walk this walk, it seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom.  Or maybe I just think it does.  I told you, I feel downright crazy some days.

You know when I feel the most crazy?  When I spend too much time on what ifs.  When I spend too much time scrolling through the pithy quotes on Pinterest. When I spend too much time focusing on what I think everyone else would do in this situation.

And I realized something today... after spending 3 months feeling half insane (I'm not always the quickest learner)... I feel crazy because I'm taking my eyes off the one who matters: Jesus.  He is the one who has called me to walk this road.  And this road may not go on forever, but for right now, this is the road he has called me to walk. When I keep my eyes on him, I know I'm walking the way I'm supposed to walk.  When I let my eyes drift around to see what everyone else is thinking, I start feeling like I'm insane.

I don't like feeling crazy.

So I'm thankful for a God who keeps reminding me that right here, right now, he is asking me to trust him and walk this road not knowing how or where it will end. And I'm thankful that God has put friends in my life who when I start to feel crazy, remind me that I'm not.  That what I'm feeling is normal.  That as long as I'm following God, nothing else matters.  And that they'll support me as long as I believe God is asking me to walk this way.

And I spend a lot of time praying.  Praying that God will sync my heart with his for this walk. Praying that if God tells me to turn a corner and go down a different street that I'll have the courage to step out in obedience.  Praying that if God tells me to keep walking this same road I'll have the courage to trust and continue to obey him.

So right now, I'm going to keep praying and keep trusting and keep walking and fight to keep my eyes on the one who has called me to this road rather than on things that like to point out how crazy I am.  Because I like feeling at least a little sane.


Friday, February 5, 2016

Lead Me to the Rock

I've spent the last 3 months praying myself through the hard.  Asking God for a miracle.  Pleading with God for wisdom. Praying that my heart would be in sync with God's heart and that I'd have the courage to step out in obedience for whatever he asks.  And that's just the start of what I've been bringing to God.

Sometimes I feel like I'm running out of words to pray.  Not because I think God doesn't hear me or because I think I need to say certain words.  But because I've been praying the same things for the last 3 months.  I know God doesn't get tired of me coming to him with the same things over and over, but still, I've found myself running out of words lately.  Those moments when I just can't put thoughts together anymore. There have been moments where my prayer just consists of "Jesus, please." Those moments are when my heart is just completely overwhelmed with everything that is going on.

And in those moments I'm so thankful that God can see my heart and my brokenness and can put the words together that I can't.

Because "Jesus, please." gets the point across just as well as the much longer prayers I've prayed lately.  Sometimes I think it gets the point across even better.  Because that's the moment that I have nothing else left.  The moment I come completely to the end of myself.  The moment where I'm open to letting Jesus do whatever it takes.

And that's a really good place to be.

I haven't seen that miracle yet.  I might never see these specific prayers answered the way I want.

But I know.  I know God hears me.  I know he sees the hurt and the pain my heart has been in for the last 3 months.  I know he cares.  And I know he has a plan.

And so, I'll keep praying and keep trusting and keep hoping for this specific miracle until God tells me step back.

"...when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I." Psalm 61:2b