Sunday, February 28, 2010

Unconditional Love

Often I wonder how honest I really am with God. There are times when I stop and “edit” my prayers to God, which if I would stop and think about it, it’s really pretty silly. I mean, he is God. He does already know what I’m thinking, what I’m going through, what I just edited out.

Yet I think it’s one of the hardest things for me to do—to be honest with God. Maybe part of it is that it means I have to be honest with myself. Still I think it might have more to do with that I have a really hard time viewing God’s love as unconditional. So often I edit my prayers to make myself sound better when all I’m really doing is hiding and not letting God heal me and my brokenness. How many chances at healing have I missed because I’m too busy hiding who I really am from myself and from God (not that anything is really hidden from him anyway)?

But God’s love is unconditional. “While we were yet sinners, Christ died for our sins.” If that doesn’t scream unconditional love, then I don’t know what does. My problem isn’t believing it in my head, but rather, living like I believe it in my heart. My actions don’t demonstrate that I believe God’s love is unconditional. In fact, they often demonstrate exactly the opposite.

So, my goal is to live like I believe what I know to be true: God’s love is unconditional. Nothing I can do or say will ever change that, so honesty truly is the best policy. And, last but not least, healing can only take place when I let God heal me.

Life Update

I really haven't posted in a long time, so I thought before the month of February was over I would try to fit a couple of posts in.

It's really funny. When you're graduating in May, people begin asking you, "So, what are you going to do when you graduate?" Lately my answer to that question has been, "I have no clue" and then when I get home or somewhere "safe" I vent about how much I hate that question. I really hate that question when people don't seem to like my answer. After all, I've been in college for four years... shouldn't I have it figured out by now?!?! Well, I don't... or maybe I didn't... actually, I still don't but I'm understanding more and more that I know the one who does.

About two days after I had my last major melt down on this subject, I got a text message/phone call. It was a fellow interpreter informing me of a new program that would be starting this summer in Utah to train/teach recent ITP (interpreter training program) grads to take the National Certification Exam. She thought of me immediately and got me hooked up with the contact person. A few days ago, I got all the info in the mail and now I have about three weeks to get everything down, but it's an amazing opportunity. I'm still praying about it, but even if this falls through, I'm not so worried about it. God literally dropped this in my lap, right after a major meltdown. Maybe this is an opportunity I'm supposed to take. Maybe all the doors will slam shut. Either way, I've learned and been reminded how much my God cares about me, and how much he will provide for me, and that's enough.