Sunday, December 27, 2009

2009 in Review

2009 had its ups and downs. God’s blessings and provisions were amazing, but life, as always, was not without its share of difficulty.

In January I started a new job working with a mentally impaired Deaf woman. This was such a blessing! It pays more than minimum wage, is close to home, and utilizes my sign language skills. This job was totally a God thing and I actually really love it (most days). There have been some ups and downs, but this job has been a major blessing. In addition, this past fall I was allowed to use it as my Field Experience for school which was really great since I wasn’t sure how I was going to fit in one more activity in my schedule!

During the winter semester I was working three jobs (Hallmark, Writing Center Tutor, and the new job) and taking 15 credit hours at school (including almost all of my interpreting classes). It was an insane schedule, but God saw me through it. Normally I get sick about once a semester, but not once did I get sick during that semester! God is so good! I was also involved in a Kairos group again with an amazing group of girls. The book that we read was awesome (Chasing Daylight by Erwin McManus) and I really grew close to the group of girls I was with.

In May I watched a couple of friends graduate (and a couple move away). That was really bittersweet. I was really excited for them but I knew I would miss them in the fall when school started back up again. Also in May, I quit my job at Hallmark. My schedule was just getting too hectic and something needed to go. Hallmark paid the least and had the worst schedule, so it went. I still go back and visit every once in while and I still shop there when I need something. The month of May must have been really busy, because during that month I also got my first taste of KidBUILDERS. KidBUILDERS (KB) is part of a ministry down in Detroit called LifeBUILDERS. Its focus is ministering to the local kids and bringing them into a closer relationship with Jesus. I absolutely loved it from the first moment I walked in. I went the whole month of May and then managed to arrange my school schedule for the fall to allow me to go down every Tuesday night. I fell in love with these kids and as much as they can drive me crazy some nights, I wouldn’t stop going for the world. They have blessed me beyond belief and I’m sure they don’t even realize it.

The summer was pretty crazy. It was the first summer that I didn’t have any classes to take, but it still was really busy. In June, we did our VBS (Vacation Bible School) down at KB. I had such an amazing time. I mean, normally VBS is my favorite time of the year (think a little kid and Christmas), but I had a blast with these kids. The crew I had was of all little boys. I have never seen so much energy in one place, but I loved every minute of the craziness! I know God is going to use the energy for his glory!! Though at times, I’ll admit, I was wishing I had some of their energy!

July brought our VBS at Heritage and the carnival. Both were just amazing. There were so many people and kids there. It is still hard to believe! I was really excited for VBS this year because I knew I had two of them to do! In addition, July also brought the start of the Watershed Girls Bible study. That was amazing and I had such a great time fellowshipping with a bunch of girls and doing Beth Moore’s Bible study on Esther. I learned so much and God used that to totally work in my life.

August was pretty busy because my cousin was getting married and I was in the wedding. It was a beautiful wedding that took place on August 15th. Right after the wedding Jess moved back to Pennsylvania where she and her new husband, Peter, live. We miss her, but she comes up to visit every once in awhile.

September came and with it the start of my senior year of college. Time sure has flown. I took 13 credit hours and pulled a 4.0 this semester. I also survived a 21 page final that covered my four years in the Sign Language Studies Department. The semester was a bit stressful, but it went well. I was also involved in another Kairos group. These girls totally rock my socks off! I love them to death and we just click so well. I know God placed me in that group at just the right time, when he knew I would need it. We also read an amazing, life-changing, heart-wrecking book (The Prodigal God by Timothy Keller) which brought me to my knees more than once all out searching and seeking God’s face. It still amazes me how much God can use books and conversation to slap me upside the head when he’s trying to teach me something. And teach me something he did. God used that book in powerful ways.

At the end of the semester, I found out a new friend was moving back home (to a different state). As sad I was to see him go, I’m really excited to see what God has planned for him in this new step. I also watched more friends close to me graduate and leave me for one more semester until I can join them! It’s been hard to see all these friends move on, but I’m really excited for them and for what’s next in their lives!

Other random things that happened in 2009:

  • I celebrated my 21st birthday in November by going out to breakfast with my grandma, getting a manicure and pedicure, and going out to dinner with my family. On a side note, for the first time ever I was able to wear flip flops on my birthday! It was 60 degrees!!
  • I still hate driving, but between work and school I can drive between 400 and 500 miles a week. I spend an enormous amount of time in my car.
  • I had my first two paid interpreting jobs this year (don’t wearing interpreting people, both were perfectly legal!)
  • My parents celebrated their 25th anniversary and my “little” sister turned 16!
  • Uncle Dave Kuhnle has been declared cancer free!
  • God has been faithful to my family even during unemployment, cancer, and surgeries.
  • I had my first crown… I am an official princess now …. Still waiting for my prince though…
  • I have one semester left of school, one tuition payment left, and I’m still debt free!
  • This year I have seen heart change, life change, answered prayer, and people pursuing God sized passions and dreams, and it has thrilled my heart beyond belief to watch this.

2009 may be almost over. This year God has proven himself faithful over and over again. In 2010, I hope to see more heart change, life change, answered prayer, and people pursuing God sized passions and dreams. Yet, more than anything else, I hope—and pray—for the biggest heart change and life change to be my own, for prayers to be answered in ways that can only be explained by “It was totally God”, and for my passions and dreams to be God sized. 2009 was great, but I can’t wait to see what God will do in 2010.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Attitudes Part 2

I've noticed something. If I skip my time with God, for several days in a row (okay, so even just one day), and I go to serve in KidBUILDERs, or somewhere else, I am so miserable and I have no patience when I serve. It's usually not only because I skipped my time with God. but because, as a result of skipping my time with God, my heart isn't right with him.

When I do spend time with my Jesus, my attitude is so much better about serving. I think this is because my heart is right with God so I can pour HIS life into others. I have something to give. Whereas, if I haven't been spending time with him, I have nothing left to pour into anyone else, because I've had nothing poured into me by God.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Attitudes...

I've been reading a book for my Kairos group this semester called "The Prodigal God" by Timothy Keller. If you want to be completely wrecked and convicted by God, I suggest you read this book, because that is the exact place I found myself in a couple nights ago.

The book talks a lot about the different brothers in the parable Jesus told (most commonly known as The Prodigal Son", though not really an accurate description). In the parable, the elder brother represents the religious people, the people who think they are of a higher moral and spiritual class than the younger brothers. God has just been convicting me of how much I can act like the elder brother. How often I look down at someone because I don't think that they are making the right choices in their lives! It's so stupid. I look at people and think their not living their lives in the right way, but I'm still living with so much pride and deceit in my own life! Really, as Timothy Keller illustrates in his book, the elder son is so much worse off than the younger son because the elder son is denying the fact that there is anything wrong with his relationship with God.

One of the other points that Keller brings up is that many younger brothers have been driver away from the church because of the elder brothers' attitudes of moral superiority. I got to thinking, how many people have I pushed away from the church and from God because of my attitude? How many people might be living for Christ today, if I had only shown them love instead of hate, annoyance, disgust and judgement?

After reading all of this and repenting before God for my attitude in the past over all this, I have started a new prayer: That my actions wouldn't be about me or for my own glory, that they would not come from a place of annoyance, hatred, or feelings of superiority, but out of love, love for God and love for others.

What about you? Are your actions showing love or are you acting as a judge? How many people might be on their way to heaven today if our attitude was different in the past and how many can we take with us now if we change our attitudes?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Religion vs. Relationship

We were talking in our small group the other night about the differences between a religion and caring about others, or the difference between religion and a relationship. One of the things that I brought up, that just hit me as we were talking, was that in a religion you can still be prideful. It's all about you and the rules you follow or don't follow. It's about how you act, how you behave, how good you are. Religion requires an inward focus.

However, a relationship or caring about people requires you to look beyond yourself. It requires investing in another person's life. You can be in a relationship with just yourself. In a relationship you can't always be looking out for yourself. It requires humility, service, and love.

A religion is all about me. A relationship is all about others.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Drained and Filled...

I was feeling really empty and drained on Tuesday. I came home from work and was just exhausted. I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere, and I certainly didn't want to pour energy into anything that wasn't sleep related. But, alas, Tuesday night is KidBUILDERs night and I headed down there around 5:30. Now, don't get me wrong... I LOVE those kids. I think they are the some of the coolest people in the universe. I just felt like I had nothing left to give to them that night.

However, by the time I left and was on my way home, I was amazed at how alive and full of life I felt. It was totally a God thing. I go to serve these kids (who were so well behaved in the program, I guess the bus ride was another matter) and instead I get blessed and filled with God's power and love and life! I love how God uses service to bless the one who serves. I didn't really want to be there at first, but God blessed my willingness to go down and serve. He restored me and put life back in me to help me through the rest of the week.

So have you experienced any blessings when you serve?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Answer to Prayer...

God is good!! Remember the stress and frustration that I blogged about a few days ago because of my field experience class and the amount of time that I didn't know how I was going to fit into my already crazy schedule?? Well, it looks like I should be able to use my current job as my field experience!

It's just such an answer to prayer and is just a confirmation of how much God cares about even the little things in our lives. I feel like I can breath again. I didn't realize how much stress I was still under until I got the word that I could use my work as field experience. Seriously, a major weight lifted off my shoulders and I felt lighter than I have all week!

I am so glad I serve a God who cares for me!

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Comment changes...

Just wanted to let everyone know that you can now comment on my blog without having a blog of your own or a google account. However, because I changed that setting, I also changed the setting that allows me to see the comment before it actually gets posted :-)

So, please let me know you're reading!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Burdens....

So tonight I went and saw a play at Bethany Baptist Church called "Baggage Claim". It was about how we carry so much baggage (a.k.a. sin) around with us and how Jesus has already offered to take it by his death on the cross if we would just give it to him.

How true this is! How many times have I found myself carrying around fear, worry, pride, or one of many other sins? It always weighs me down and tires me out. As I was sitting there watching the play and feeling rather convicted about how often I refuse to give Jesus my baggage, because after all... it's mine. A song and the scripture that part of that song is based on popped into my head and heart. Here's the scripture:

Matthew 11:29-30 (New Living Translation)
29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Jesus gives us a burden to bear, but it's one of humility and gentleness, one that gives rest and life instead of taking it. Why? Because his "yoke is easy... and the burden... is light." I think it's because he's carrying it and I'm not... he's got all the problems and I've got his grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, peace, etc. That's my burden to carry.

So now the song I have had stuck in my head (pretty sure God put it there)...notice the bridge (I'll bold it and italicize it for you):

Greater

By New Life Worship

Find rest my soul
Confess you're weary
Surrender all
Embrace your healing

I will cast my cares
You have always cared

You have always cared
You are greater
Greater than the fight
That rages for my life
I have found my rest is in
You are brighter
Breaking through the night
Lighting up my sight
I have seen my rest is in You

Find hope my soul
You know He's with you
My Savior, God
Still I will praise you

I will cast my cares
You have always cared

His yoke is easy
His burden is light
I have decided
I'm gonna fix my eyes
On the perfector
The author of my faith
Jesus Christ

You are greater
Greater than the fight
That rages for my life
I have found my rest is in
You are brighter
Breaking through the night
Lighting up my sight
I have seen my rest is in You
---------------------------------

When we fix our eyes on Jesus, our yokes and burdens become light.

So, who's with me for letting Jesus carrying our baggage and us carrying his mercies that are new every morning?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Overwheming....

Yesterday I was feeling very overwhelmed with all that I have to do... especially after I found out that I have to spend 10-12 hours a week in my field placement for 2 credit hours. I was really frustrated and on the verge of tears almost all day. So when I went in to some time alone with God, I just started pouring this out to him. Just telling him all about it made me feel somewhat better, but some of the frustration was still there. FYI I love having a God who cares about every single detail of my life... even the ones that others might view as unimportant, HE cares!! How cool is that! Anyways, back to what I was saying before... I then opened up my Bible asking God to just direct me to what I needed to read since I'm kinda between having a specific reading. He directed me to Luke 8:22-25. That happens to be the story about Jesus calming the winds and the waves. I thought it was just so cool that God directed me to that scripture because I felt like I was just in the midst of an all out storm... I was feeling completely overwhelmed. God just reminded me that he has the power over weather and nature and how much more he has the power over my life and my circumstances. Sometimes (or most of the time) it feels like I just have such little faith that God really is in charge. I'm still somewhat stressed about all that I have to do, but I know that God is in charge and can handle anything that comes my way.

As I was typing this I remembered a song along the same themes:

All who sail the sea of faith
Find out before too long
How quickly blue skies can grow dark
And gentle winds grow strong
Suddenly fear is like white water
Pounding on the soul
Still we sail on knowing
That our Lord is in control

Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

He has a reason for each trial
That we pass through in life
And though we're shaken
We cannot be pulled apart from Christ
No matter how the driving rain beats down
On those who hold to faith
A heart of trust will always


Sometimes He calms the storm
With a whispered peace be still
He can settle any sea
But it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm
And other times He calms His child

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Outpouring of God...

I want to blog, but I don't know what to blog about. I am just experiencing such an outpouring of God right now... Tonight was one of the last Wednesday nights I'll be able to be at LifeBuilders for awhile. It makes me a little sad thinking that it will be several weeks (possibly even months depending on school) before I see my dear friends again. But tonight was special. Tonight God's presence was so real in that building. I think some of my favorite times are when we take time just to share what God is doing in our lives, to pray for each other, and to just share life together. That's what real community is. Frankly, the last couple of days I've been crabby for no particular reason, then when I get to LifeBuilders tonight Matt asks if I know a certain song. This song happens to be one of my favorite songs (Desert Song... I've blogged on it before) and I got to sing it and share it with my LB family. That song does something to my heart every time I sing/hear it. Look up the lyrics... they're probably just a little farther down on the page. Anyway, basically what I wanted to say was that God showed up tonight. He is good. He is on his throne. His name is I Am and mine is I am not. He is God and for simply that fact I will worship, I will sing, I will bring praise.

Thank you Jesus!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Stirred Hearts...

Warning: This post might not make sense. I hope it does, but who knows!

Last Thursday I was really fighting a spirit of depression. I was pretty much a complete mess. I didn't want to do anything, see anyone, or go anywhere. After a little while I sat down to do my homework for a Bible study I'm in on the book of Esther. (Beth Moore's Esther: It's tough being a woman). I was doing the first day's work and was really just praying and begging God for some word, some truth to be spoken into my life. One of the passages we had to read was from Ezra to get a little background information for the study. As I was reading in Ezra 1, I came across verse 5 and the first few words stopped me in my tracks: "Then God stirred the hearts..." Part of my frustration and depression lately has stemmed from feeling like I'm out of place, like I'm not where I'm supposed to be, only I don't know where I'm supposed to be. That verse made me think of a couple of things I'd like to share.

1. "Then..." God didn't stir right away. Other things had to happen first. God doesn't move on our time, he moves in his.

2. "...God..." It was God who did the stirring. It wasn't the people. It wasn't some crazy emotion that often seems to get the best of us. It was God.

3. "... stirred..." God moved. His Spirit prompted action. God gave direction.

4. "...the..." The is a specific adjective. He didn't stir some hearts, he didn't stir random hearts, he stirred specific hearts that he had chosen.

5. "...hearts..." More than one. God moved in his people not just a person. He moved the community to do (or to go as we find later in the verse) and he moved them from the center of their being, their hearts.

I think what hit me the most was that God stirred their hearts and God can (and will) stir mine as well. But it will be in his time, in his way. He will do the stirring, in his community, in the deepest part of our beings. God will stir us. He will stir us to go... and then he will tell us where.

One of my prayers this week has been that when God stirs my heart, I'll be paying attention and that I won't let my heart be stirred by what I think I want. I don't want my emotions or other people to cause my heart to stir: I want God to move my heart in his ways, in his time, and with his people around me.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Aching Heart

My heart is aching a bit right now. Tonight is the last night of VBS at LifeBuilders and I'm not ready for it to end. I'm not ready to say good bye to all my little boys that stole my heart the first day of VBS. I've already cried about it this morning during some time that I spent in prayer. God is reminding me that it's not good bye forever and that he is in charge of these kids lives and I'm not. God willing I'll see a lot of them in the fall for KidBuilders. Still my heart is breaking and I don't know that I'll make it through the night without shedding some tears. Even so, my prayer is that all my boys leave tonight knowing Jesus and having a relationship with him. Tonight is the salvation message and I am so excited to see what God is going to do.

There are too many emotions running rampant in this blog... so I'm going to end it now. Please be praying for tonight.

Monday, June 29, 2009

LifeBuilder's VBS Day 1

Today was the first day of the VBS we're doing down at LifeBuilders in Detroit. It was amazing...Matt and I have the best crew ever and the kids are loving it! God is working in some amazing and awesome ways. The English language does not contain the words to express how awesome and amazing tonight was.

That's really all I wanted to say.... God is amazing, VBS is amazing, Kids loving Jesus are amazing, and the conviction that comes from listening to the story at VBS and saying "Fear Not!" a million and one times every night is amazing. God is good!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Worry...

Tonight before I went to Lighthouse I had asked God to just really convict me and stir my spirit. Well, He did. The message tonight was directed straight at my heart. The topic you ask?? That would be worry. Lately I've been struggling with worrying about the future. Who my future spouse will be... Where am I going to be in a few years life wise... Will I be a good interpreter... Will I be able to get a job....is another 4 years of school really in the mix??? Through all of this worrying, God has been speaking to my heart, plainly and rather bluntly saying...
"I'm God, you're not. I know what's best, I love you and I'll take care of you if you'll just let me. Knock it off with the obsessing of the future. Trust Me."
FYI: it's a lot easier said than done. But it was something I was working on. And then tonight happened and God just showed me how much I'm still worrying. I think the thing that hit me the most was that when we worry, we're saying to God that he can't keep his promises, that he can't be in control. We are looking at ourselves saying I'm in control... I'll handle this (which is rather stupid since worrying doesn't do any good). Worry is a sin that stems from pride. Worry is telling God that we don't trust him enough to do what he says he will do. But when we take our worries and fears to God in prayer, we are taking the focus off ourselves and admitting just how much we can't, but God can.
I'm not even doing justice to what was said tonight...So, you need to check it out for yourself by going to www.lighthousecollective.com and listening to the podcast of tonight's message... it should be up in the next couple of days.
So will you join with me in turning the focus off ourselves and onto God??

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Delighting and Desires

So lately my mind has been on love and such. Maybe it's the fact that many of my friends are now engaged and I'm still single and waiting. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that my cousin is getting married in couple of months and I'm standing up in the wedding. Whatever the reason, it's been hitting me lately how very single I am and how quite a bit of the time I'd rather not be. Don't get me wrong, some days I am really good with being single. Other days are a bit more trying as I continually learn how to be content with my life situation. All this to say, while trying to not think about this subject quite so much and not worry about the future, God reminded me of something I wrote in my journal after one of Cliff's messages at Lighthouse (on 1/4/09). So the following is the notes from my journal on that night and possibly some additional commentary now:

What Delighting Means...

"Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your heart's desires." Psalms 37:4

Delight doesn't mean I'm happy with God. It means that he is my everything-- my sustainer, my lover, my hope, my past, present, and future, and everything else I need (or desire).

My desires aren't really a boyfriend, to be famous, or to be the best at what I do, but rather they stem from a deep desire to be loved, appreciated, honored, and highly thought of.

When I delight in God, the desires of my heart are truly being met in every sense of the word. I am being loved, honored, cherished, treasured, esteemed, appreciated, and he thinks very highly of me. When I delight myself in God, my desires are met beyond what i ever could dream of-- because I have finally said, "God you are more than enough for me."

Back to the present. At times I wonder if I can truly say that God is more than enough for me. And even more than that, do I live like he's more than enough for me? Do I live like he's fulfilled the deepest desires of my heart? Most often the answer would sadly be no. Too often I look to people to fulfill what I see as the desires of my heart. But just as often, people can't provide the fulfillment of those desires. The desire continues, wanting, yearning to be filled. And too often I don't turn to the one who can fill it, the one who has already filled it if I would just realize it!

So I think with where my thoughts have been lately and what I've been thinking my desires are I needed to reread this. Don't get me wrong... I'm all for marriage and hope to be married myself one day :-) But a human is never going to fulfill the desires of my heart, only God can do that. Humans will fail, but God never fails. And this was a good reminder of some of the lessons that God has been teaching me lately.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Being Blessed...

These last few weeks... I think the past four weeks to be exact... I've been helping out with a ministry in Detroit called Lifebuilders, more specifically their children's ministry called KidBuilders. Anyway, I went down there with every intention of serving and loving on these kids. I got to do that, but... I don't know. You ever get that feeling that you know you're going to be a blessing and instead you end up the one who's blessed? These kids are amazing. I was so blessed by their love and even by their rambunctious spirits :-)

And then there's the leaders. These men and women give up every (or almost every) Tuesday night to spread Jesus' love to these kids. They have such a passion for them and for sharing their faith. It's rather humbling and convicting to be honest. How often do I live out my faith by giving of my time? How often is my time more precious to me than those sweet kids?

They sorely need more leaders. I am so grateful that next semester I was able to arrange my schedule to be down there every week. These kids have a passion for Jesus that can put mine to shame... maybe I'll learn from them. Wait. Scratch that maybe... I know I'll learn from them.

So, here's to learning how to give of my time and how to love these kids and my Jesus better!

Prayer and Mosquitoes

Last night, I got together with some people from Lighthouse. Most of these people I had seen at Lighthouse, but never really met. Anyway, we all got together for one purpose: lifting up Lighthouse and our leaders in prayer. We had such an amazing time of prayer and then worship. Our group was there for three hours! It was so sweet and refreshing to be around young adults who love Jesus. The fellowship and the time we spent together was so incredible that I don't even really mind the massive amounts of mosquito bites I now have or the fact that I can't get the smell of bonfire smoke out of my hair. Okay, so maybe I mind a little, but not as much as if I had just been sitting outside doing nothing last night.

Anyways, today my heart is just overflowing with love for my Jesus.

Oh! And one of the coolest things.... Jesus sent bats to eat the mosquitoes!! How cool is that! I serve a God who cares enough about me to send bats to eat pesky little creatures so I can spend time with Him without distractions!!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Being still...

Recently I quit working at Hallmark. I really needed some time to rest and just be quiet. As I've had the past week to reflect on no longer working at Hallmark and the semester being over, I realized something. I don't know how to be still and relax.

I used to be very good at this. When I was younger, i prided myself in not allowing too many things in my schedule. Even my first year of college I tried to limit my activities outside of work and school. Then school and work took over my life, but I still wanted to have a life with friends so I added that too. That lead to this past semester of 15 credit hours, 3 jobs, and not being home most nights. Then all of the sudden all that stopped.

Now I don't spend enough time doing what matters in life. Instead I spend my time frivolously on the computer or doing other mindless menial tasks. Instead of spending time with the awesome, amazing, beyond understanding creator of the universe who loved me enough to die for, I go get on Facebook to read my friends status updates. I love spending time with my Jesus, I just forget how much I love spending time with him when I'm involved in something else. How many precious, sweet, tender moments have I missed in the arms of my Jesus because I've been too busy doing nothing of importance? What changes might have been made in my life by spending that time with him?

The way I've been spending time with my Jesus lately, you sure wouldn't know that I love to do it. And frankly, I have no excuse. I mean really, "Sorry Jesus, Facebook was calling my name tonight." That's not going to fly... with him or me.

So here's to the journey of learning how to spend time being quiet and still with my Jesus. Letting him hold me in his arms. Allowing my heart to be challenged and changed. Will you join me??

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Fear of Failure

On Sunday night Cliff was talking about fear and how it can control us. He mentioned how a lot of the time we try to cover up our fears with something: anger, throwing ourselves into another pursuit, being intellectual...etc. Fear has always been something I dealt with, but when Cliff brought it up, I honestly was having a hard time pinpointing exactly what I fear. That is, until I read my chapter in my Kairos book on Monday. The author was talking about Risk and how in order to fail we must risk. And not only that, but it is very difficult to succeed without failure (I mean, look at Edison, how many times did he fail trying to make the light bulb??).

This concept really hit home. If you know me, you know I bill myself as a perfectionist. I like things done right and preferably done right the first time. For the first time I see this as a manifestation (yeah I know, big word) of my fear of failure. If I'm perfect then I can't fail. But if I have to be perfect in everything I don't attempt anything in which I might not be perfect in. If I know I can't do it right I won't try. Why? Because I'm afraid. Afraid that others might notice that I'm not perfect, afraid I'll let someone down. Fear is controlling.

In the past few days as I've been mulling this over, I've often thought of how many opportunities I've missed because I've been afraid to fail. How many experiences have I given up because I'm afraid to take a risk? How many memories did I sacrifice to keep up my image? In all honesty, I really don't want to think about all that I have missed. Yet, it's because of what I've missed that I know I can't continue to miss it. I have to risk, I have to be willing to fail, I have to be willing to give up the image that I have tried so desperately to keep up.

So what's the remedy for this fear? Jesus. His perfect love. The confidence that comes from knowing that if I fail, He's still there. I may fall flat on my face, but he's right beside me, picking me up and dusting me off. When I begin to understand that his love is unconditional and forever, I'll start to risk it for him and his glory. Failure will happen, but I'll understand that I don't need perfection. Perfection is an impossible goal and it's one that I don't need to attain.

So this is a start for my journey of leaving fear behind, embracing failure, and loving Jesus.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Moments

I've been reading a book for my Kairos group called "Chasing Daylight" by Erwin McManus (sp?). The first chapter was all about living in the moment and seizing every opportunity to do whatever it is that God asks. Thinking about that I wonder how often do I truly seize the moment that I'm living to bring God glory and praise. How often do I miss moments because I'm so focused on trying to figure out what God wants me to do in the next five years? What about what God is trying to accomplish in this moment?

Moments can be life changing. It was one moment that sparked the decision for my major. It was one woman doing what God called her to do by asking if I had ever thought about pursing Sign Language Interpreting as a career. It was that comment that brought me to my major, my school (Madonna University), two of my three current jobs, and what I'm thinking about for my Graduate degree. One moment can have such power. People rarely realize the power of the moments they're living.

It was one moment when someone encouraged me to join a Kairos group. That led to friendships, spiritual growth and many more things that I have yet to even consider. With all these moments that have brought so much, it makes me wonder... How many moments have I missed because I've been so focused on the future and not on what God wants to do in the here and now?

The future is important, but not nearly as important as seizing every moment to bring glory and honor to God, to bring people to him, and to accomplish his purpose.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Just Jesus

I was thinking last night after I went to bed about all the Biblical characters that I'll be able to meet and talk to in heaven. I mean, how cool would it be to talk with Noah about how he put up with all those smelly animals on the ark? And maybe David could show me how he wrote his Psalms. Then I realized that when I'm in heaven, it'll be cool to talk to them, but I'd rather spend my time right by Jesus' side. How cool would that be?!?! I could spend hours talking and walking with Jesus. Even if I wasn't talking, just to be near him would be incredible. Yeah, David, Moses, and Abraham are pretty cool, but they got nothing on the one who created me, the one who loves me unconditionally, the one who gave his life up for me. Yep, they've got nothing on my Jesus.

So, when I'm in heaven, that's where you'll find me... near my Jesus.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Friday, February 27, 2009

Psalms

So I started this new class at school a few weeks ago called "Introduction to the Psalms". Our first assignment was to write a personal psalm to God and then turn it in. I was lucky enough that the professor had me read mine out loud in class... so since I've already shared it with the class I thought I would share it with whoever reads this thing. Oh yeah, and if you actually read my blog... let me know. I'd love to know what you think about my thoughts. Anyway, here's the psalm I wrote:

O God, I am overwhelmed with life
Existing is exhausting, Lord
Day after day, I continue on with no respite
I can never seem to catch my breath
Yet everyday you send love letters to me
Your affectionate displays are around me always
I only need to open my eyes to see them
If I would just awake to my surroundings, there you would be
God, you are waiting for and pursuing me
My heart is being wooed and won by my Lord
Your affection I can’t begin to fathom
Your love is beyond my comprehension
You chose me before I was born
Yes, before time began I belonged to you

Rainbows

I love rainbows. I love that they represent God's promises. I think what I love most though is that for every rainbow I am the only one seeing exactly that rainbow. It doesn't matter if someone is standing inches away from me, they see a slightly altered version of the rainbow I see. I am the only one to see the rainbow from my point of view.

So why all the sudden interest in rainbows?? Lately, when I've been driving in my car, I'll look up and there will be a tiny piece of a rainbow, totally unexpected. Each time I've seen one, it hasn't been raining, it's just been really overcast. And at that moment, I realize that no one else is seeing the exact same rainbow as me. It's like God specifically painted that rainbow in the sky for me. It always makes me smile and remember God's love to think that He would paint a rainbow just for me.

Now thinking back on those instances, the rainbows always appear when it's gray and overcast and just generally dreary outside. And sometimes when it's like that on the outside, I'll start to feel like that on the inside. Then a rainbow ppears and it's as if God is saying..."Even in the dreary, tiring, blah times... I am still here. My promises are still good. You can still trust me. I painted this rainbow just to show my love for you."

And frankly, I just think that's really cool.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Making Me Mad

So I am severely annoyed at my religious studies book... want to know why? Well even if you didn't I'm going to tell you. So here's quote number one:
"The Bible teaches neither creationism not evolution..."
Right, so let's open our Bibles at the very beginning to see if this is true... starting with Genesis 1:1: In the beginning, God CREATED the heavens and the earth. (emphasis mine). I fail to see how the Bible doesn't teach creationism. It seems fairly explicitly stated in my opinion. God CREATED... doesn't leave much room for argument, does it?
Really, what I've gathered so far is that the author's argument is that much of Genesis is a good story that shows us how to live but not much else. My argument? Then what's to stop someone from saying that Jesus is nothing more than a story to teach us how to live. Honestly, if you get rid of one part of the Bible, what's to stop you from throwing out the whole thing?!?!
Another quote: The stories of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob and their progeny also should not be accepted as accurate history.
Yet another one: No doubt with the retelling of the story of the journey from Egypt hyperbole flourishes.
For those of you who are now looking for a dictionary to look up the word hyperbole: it means a gross exaggeration. I assume the author might be referring to the crossing of the Red Sea, manna, water coming out of the rock, the plagues....but I'm not 100% positive. I also believe that the author is totally wrong in stating that, because in case you haven't guessed it by now I believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God.... everything in it is truth.
But you know what makes me really angry??? It's not so much that I have to read bald faced lies because I know what I believe, it's more that the people in my class, for whom this will be their only exposure to Christianity and the Bible, who are only taking this class to fulfill a Gen Ed, will think that this author is reporting proven facts. My biggest concern is for the people in my class who don't know what they believe and will be swayed because an author speaks "authoritatively" on the subject.
I know God can work even in this... but it makes me mad

Monday, January 5, 2009

Still God

Wow.. I can't believe that it's 2009! Time is really flying; it seems like just yesterday I was nervous about starting high school and now I only have 1 1/2 years left of college! Amazing!

There has been a song that I have just thought is completely awesome lately. My favorite part is the bridge (at least I think it's the bridge, it's not the chorus and it's not another verse... so I'm going to call it the bridge). The words are:

All of my life
in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I just think it's an amazing reminder of who God is and that it doesn't matter what's happening in our lives: God is still God, I am still not, and I still have a reason to worship. With everything that is happening in the world lately, I just think this is a good reminder for everyone. The economy may be uncertain, jobs are hard to come by, wars are occurring, sickness is spreading, but through it all God is still God... He still loves us enough to die for us, forgive us, and have a relationship with us... Do we still love him enough to sing to and worship Him? I sure hope the answer is yes. My uncle was just diagnosed with cancer, another uncle with Hashimoto's (sp?) disease, hours are being cut drastically for some family, and yet through it all God is still God.
This is my prayer in the desert
when all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
For God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co heir with Christ
So firm on his promise I'll stand
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
All of my life
in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
All of my life
in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I receive I will sow
Hillsong: Desert Song