Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Not Quite Normal...

Today was a day of firsts.

It was the first time I had a house guest.

It was the first time I was late to work.

It was the first time I called 911.

It was the first time I had an ambulance in my driveway and a firetruck parked in front of my house.

It was the first time I've had on duty first responders in my house.

And I thought it was going to be a semi normal morning...

My best friend flew in yesterday because her little brother is getting married this weekend.  Since we hadn't seen each other in a couple of months and our work schedules hadn't allowed for a Skype date since the last time she was in town in May, she decided to spend the night at my house when she got in.  She wanted to see what I'd done with the place since the last time she saw it was the day I closed on the house.

Everything seemed normal.  She arrived; we ate a fabulous dinner of roast beef, mashed potatoes, and green beans from Aurora's Family Restaurant; we stayed up for a couple hours catching up and talking.  Normal stuff we do every time we're together.

Then we went to bed.

Normally I get up at 5 AM, go to the gym, get ready at the gym and head to work.  And by get up at 5 AM, I mean stumble around my house, grab my gym bag and work stuff and head out the door where hopefully an accelerated heart rate at the gym means I'm awake by the time work rolls around.

Since my best friend had spent the night, and I knew we would likely stay up talking, I set my alarm for an hour later, told my sister I wasn't going to the gym, and went to bed.

It was fairly normal.

This morning my alarm went off.  I stumbled around for a few minutes only half awake and then hopped in the shower... okay so it was more like dragged myself into the shower hopping to wake up.  In case you haven't figured it out, I'm not a morning person.... or a night owl... I just really like sleep.

But I digress.

I got out of the shower and went to walk back across the house to finish getting ready for work.

That's when things became decidedly abnormal.

As I headed down the hallway, I heard a noise in my living room.  My best friend was on the couch and at first I thought she was sobbing.  Then I heard the words, "My chest hurts and I'm having shortness of breath" come out of her mouth while she was breathing rapidly.

Somehow I stayed calm.  I still don't know how that happened.

Short digression.... There is a reason I did not go into the medical field... actually there are several reasons.  Among them are blood, needles, and sick people... I don't normally handle any of them well.

So I did what any normal person would do at 6:20 AM... I turned on the light so I could see in the house.

Then she told me to call 911.  And that's when I really knew she wasn't feeling well.

So I calmly called 911.  And then I calmly called her mother.  And then I calmly called my mom.  And then I opened the door so I could see when the emergency vehicles arrived.  And then I let the firefighters in while my hair was still up in a towel and I was still in my bathrobe.

And I was still calm.

I will admit, I looked away when they stuck the needle for the IV in her arm... they didn't need two patients to work on.

By the time they took her away in the ambulance, she was starting to feel a little better.  I called a couple more people to let them know which hospital they were taking her to and then finally got dressed.  I grabbed my stuff for work, texted my boss that I would be late, and headed up to the hospital.

I saw her for a few minutes at the hospital, told her she should feel privileged that I was there since I HATE hospitals, and left her in the capable hands of her parents while I headed off to work.

Where I sat in my car for a good 10 minutes to decompress.

The doctor ended up attributing it to something like a panic attack and she was released from the hospital before lunch.

But there are a couple of things I need to point out in this story.  Ways that I see God's hand so clearly in everything.  So bear with me, because I'm going to make a list.  Because I really like lists.

1. I didn't go to the gym.

My normal routine is to head to the gym.  God, in his wisdom, said, "You're going to stay up later than normal talking and decide not to go to the gym in the morning."  If I had gone to the gym like normal, I wouldn't have been home when this happened.  I would have been getting ready to hit the showers at the gym.  That's a God thing.

2.  I live 5 minutes from the hospital.

My friend's family is a lot farther north than I am.  If she had been at home, she would not have been nearly as close to the hospital as she was at my house.  The decision to stay at my house was a spur of the moment idea late last week.  That's a God thing.

3. I was coherent.

Normally, even after a morning shower, it takes me a little while to wake up.  I was awake and alert enough to do what needed to be done in the moment.  That's a total God thing.

4.  I still had her parents' home phone number in my phone from when we were growing up... that's a God thing.

5. I remained calm.

Since I normally don't deal with medical stuff well... well, that's for sure a God thing.

6.  She's perfectly okay.

Do I really need to say it?  Okay... GOD THING.

7.  I had a quiet day at work.

There was no drama.  There were no fires to put out.  There were happy people not crabby people.  There was laughter.  There was computer work that I could just put headphones in and work on.  And after the last few weeks, that, my friends, was a God thing.  Because I needed to decompress and be quiet and be still.

I am seriously amazed at how God works.  The little ways that he constantly shows up.  The ways that he changes our routines and normalcy ahead of time in order to provide. And I'm thankful for the way he reminds me to look at the little things, to take time and reflect, and to see what He has accomplished.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Aching Heart

I contemplated not writing this blog post.  It would be easy to never press publish, but that would defeat one of the purposes that I have for this blog: to let you see how I'm growing in Jesus and who I am in him.  It's a place for me to be completely honest.

Sometimes that's easier said then done.

Okay, so here it is:

Right now, at this stage in my life, I have a love/hate relationship with wedding showers, weddings, and baby showers.

Don't get me wrong.  If you are getting married or having a baby and I know you and love you, I am genuinely excited and happy for you.

But it still makes my heart ache a bit.

Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be married a man who loves Jesus, me, and his family.  I've wanted kids running around my house.

And, as I sit here, listening to the thunderstorms outside, I still don't have that.

I want you to understand something: I LOVE my life.  I love my job. I love my family and friends.  I love the stage I'm living.

But sometimes my heart still aches.

And as my Facebook feed fills up with engagements, weddings, and baby bumps, it's been aching a little more than normal lately.

It's not that I'm not happy for you.  Actually, I'm ecstatic! I will be the one crying tears of joy as you walk down the aisle because I am so happy to see God's blessings in your life.  I will be one of the first people in line to hold and cuddle your newborn after telling you how precious he/she is.  I will be the one rejoicing over how good God is with you as we celebrate his blessings.

And then, when I take a step back, my heart will start to ache a little bit.

The reason my heart will start to ache is because God has planted desires in my heart for marriage and a family... but his timing isn't quite yet.

It's taken me some time, but I've finally figured out what to do with my aching heart.  I used to just throw a full blown pity party for myself for a few days... moping around, asking God why it wasn't my turn yet.

But, just in the past couple of weeks, I realized I've been doing something different lately.  In all honesty, I'm not sure how long I've been doing it but the realization came just this weekend.

When my heart is aching, I run to Jesus.

I don't run to him asking when it's going to be my turn and moping about.

I run to him so he can remind me of his promises.  Soothe my heart.  Speak truth into my life.  Fill me with himself.  And make me more like him.

Instead of praying and asking God for a husband right here and now with little concern about whether or not I'm even ready to be married, I search the Bible waiting for God to speak to my heart.

And he does.  It never fails that time with Jesus is what I need.

Time to remember that Jesus is really the only one who can fill me.  Who can complete me.  Who can fulfill my desire to be loved unconditionally.

Because even once I'm married, that's not going to change.  Jesus is still going to be the only one who can do that.  He's still going to be the only one who can hold and heal my aching heart.

There are days when it's difficult to not mope.  There are days when I still mope.  But I'm slowly starting to recognize that the ache in my heart that I've hated for so long because it reminds me of what I don't physically have yet, is really a reminder to run to Jesus.  It's really a Holy Spirit prompting to spend time reminding myself of who God is.

I'm not perfect.  I don't have this all figured out.  It's taken me 25 years to figure out that the ache in my heart is an opportunity to pursue Jesus.  And I know I'll have days when I'll forget that that's what the ache means.  But today I remembered.  Today I ran to Jesus and my heart is again at peace.  It is again content.

Because I know Jesus' love for me.

Did I cry a bit as I wrote this? Yep.  Because those 10 year old dreams of the marriage and kids, not the wedding day, are still there.  But there's hope.  Because my God is a good God.  He doesn't plant desires in my heart just sit back and laugh as they go unfulfilled.  He has a plan.  He loves me.  And He is good.

So please, don't stop inviting me to your wedding showers, weddings, and baby showers.  Don't stop posting your engagement ring pictures, wedding pictures and baby bump pictures on Facebook.  And please, don't think I'm not happy for you.  Because I am.  So happy.

God's just still working on me: teaching me to run to him in everything.

When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit.  Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." 
Ephesians 3:14-20 

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Reflection

I wasn't going to write tonight.

In fact, I should have been in bed already if I want to go to the gym tomorrow... we'll see if I can get moving in time now.

But as I was turning off lights and closing doors and windows in my house, something prompted me to check my blog stats.  If I'm writing, I usually check them once a day but I had family from out of town over for dinner and to see my new house and never got to it tonight.  That is, until a few minutes ago.

And as I checked my blog stats to see how many people have been reading and what they've been reading lately, I noticed someone, or several someones, have been reading some of the older posts on my blog.  Not super old.  They probably still pop up on the first page since I took a super long hiatus from blogging, but they're old to me.

So much life has been lived since then.

And it made me reflect.

Some of the posts that popped up were from a tremendously difficult season of life.  It was a season that only God got me through and you all were able to experience parts of through this blog.   My cousin's 5 1/2 month old baby passed away.  My boyfriend of a year and a half dumped me.  And I had just celebrated my birthday which is normally fabulous but felt completely empty that year.

It was hard.

There's really no other words to describe it.  But in reality, it was harder than hard.  And so I reflected tonight on where God has brought me and the joy I now have in my life because I'm living to follow him more than I did back then.

I reflected on the fact that God is good.  My cousin is 7 months pregnant again (that's who I just saw tonight).  And we couldn't be more thrilled for this new little baby boy soon to show up.  We will always miss Jared and this little one will never take his place, but he's a blessing from God.  He's a reminder of God's goodness even in the difficult times.

I reflected on the peace, contentment, and joy I have in my life now.  When I was dumped, I was depressed for a solid month and in and out of depression for several more after.  I can remember exactly where I was the first time I truly laughed again.  I can remember coming out of that fog and seeing and knowing that God was still good in EVERYTHING.  And I can remember coming to realize that God's plans are best and it wouldn't have been a good idea at all to stay in that relationship.

I looked back and I saw how God is writing my story.  I looked back and saw his faithfulness.  I saw his mercy.  His grace.  His tender love.

I saw God's fingerprints on every part of my life and everything that he's brought me through.

Reflection is good for the soul.  Because of what God has done in the past, I know I can trust him with the future.  There's a song that we've been singing at church lately called "I will look up" by Elevation Worship and there's a couple lines that go like this:

I will look up, for there is none above you
I will bow down, to tell you that I need you
Jesus, Lord of all
I will look back, and see that you are faithful
I'll look ahead, believing you are able
Jesus, Lord of all
Jesus, Lord of all

Really the whole song is worth quoting and it's one of my favorite ones right now... but how true!  I look back and see that God has been faithful and because of that that I believe that he is able to accomplish more than I could ever imagine.

What has God brought you through?  Have you taken time to reflect lately?


Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Joy

Laughter is so healing.

I've seen this many times in my own life over the last few years... and with a rough season at work right now, I'm realizing the truth of God's word once again:

Proverbs 17:22
"A cheerful heart is good medicine..."

This morning I was cheerful at work... and people noticed the difference.  If they noticed me being cheerful, then what have I been the past few weeks?

One of the reasons I've always loved my job is because laughter abounds... there is nothing better than coming to work, getting done what needs to get done, and laughing while doing it.  I love the people I work with.

But lately, tensions and stress has been higher than normal.  Laughter happens less and less.  And it's wearying.  Quality suffers, productivity suffers, tempers become short and memories become long.  It's not healthy.

The second part of that verse is "...but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

That's what's happening right now.

But here's the deal.  Here's where God is speaking to my heart.

In Jesus, I have hope, joy and peace.

I don't have to have a crushed spirit.  I get to choose to be filled with joy.  My coworkers should look at me and think that I'm 100% insane because of the hope and joy I have.  It shouldn't be something to notice when I'm walking around with a big smile on my face, laughing, and just happy.

Choosing joy isn't easy.  In fact, sometimes it seems down right impossible.  But with God all things are possible.

And choosing joy is worth it.

That's what I'm working on today... choosing joy even in the midst of complete chaos.  Because He is peace.  He is hope. He is JOY.



Monday, July 21, 2014

Starbursts, headaches, and Jesus

I ate a starburst today.

For most of you, that might not seem like a big deal.  But for me, it was.  Let me explain.

Over the past 7 or so months I've been on a health journey to eliminate processed foods out of my life because I've found that I'm allergic to pretty much anything processed... specifically MSG.  It's not like my throat closes up or anything like that, but I get fairly severe headaches, my heart races, and I become really fatigued if I eat something that I shouldn't.

So today, when a coworker offered me a starburst, I took it.  I debated for a few minutes about whether or not it was a good idea, but it looked good and I was feeling frustrated with not getting the work I needed to get done finished because I has been problem solving all morning.

And then I got the headache.  From eating one lousy starburst.  The worst part is that, if I'm being honest, it didn't even taste that good.

And while I was thinking about what a stupid decision it was to eat that starburst while I was doing dinner dishes, God started nudging my heart.

That starburst seemed so small.  So insignificant.  Too often I make choices like that in my walk with Jesus.

I choose something small.  Something inconspicuous.  Something that doesn't seem like that big of deal.

But it is.  Before I know it, I have a sin sized head ache that is making it nearly impossible to function in a normal capacity.

A small choice that becomes crippling.

Sure, there are "band aid" fixes.  Just like when I ate the starburst and then a half hour later was reaching for the ibuprofen.  I can put up safeguards, be careful, and vow to do better.

But, in the end, they're just band aid fixes.

They don't offer any long term relief.

They don't get at the real problem: My heart. My desires.  My idols.

But Jesus isn't a band aid fix.  He offers real freedom.  Freedom from sin headaches from seemingly insignificant choices.

That's why I need Jesus.  That's why I need his forgiveness everyday.  That's why I need his grace.  That's why I need Jesus to change my heart, my desires, and to take control of my life.

I'm sure there will be plenty of other "starbursts" in my life, where I make a choice to sin in what may seem insignificant at the time, but turns into a significant break in my relationship with Jesus.

But it's in those times that I'm thankful that I can turn to Jesus.  I don't have to reach for a band aid fix.  I have a Jesus who heals.  A Jesus who restores my relationship with him.  A Jesus who forgives and works with me to change my heart so that my desires match his desires.

So much better than a band aid or ibuprofen.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Baptism Hope

100 (or so) people publicly declaring that they'll follow Jesus.

That's what I got to witness today.  Today I saw my cousin, young kids, whole families, engaged couples, and adults choose to tell everyone that they're following Jesus now.  Today I saw people who have been endlessly prayed for, loved on, and spoken truth to follow Jesus' example in baptism.

Baptism weekends are always emotional for me.

I love them so much.

Watching people declare that they're following Jesus does something to my heart strings.  It moves me in ways that I don't have words for.  And normally, as a writer, I have nothing but words.

But it does more than just move me.  It gives me hope.

Hope that the people I am praying daily for to know Jesus will one day be up there being baptized.

Hope that the people I am loving on with Jesus' love will one day be up there declaring their love for Jesus.

Hope that the people I have spoken God's truth to will one day be up there speaking the truth of what God has done in their lives.

I may not have words to explain what is happening in my heart right now, but I have hope.  I have Jesus.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Recovering Perfectionist

It's been awhile since I've written, I know.  Sometimes staring at a computer screen for hours a day at work makes it difficult to come home and write here.  But I'm back tonight and that's what matters :-)

You know what's really hard?  Having to take your own advice that you've given over and over again. We had a quality issue at work this past week and I had a choice to make:  I could either choose to look at it as a learning experience or I could continue to beat myself up about the fact that the error happened and wasn't caught until it ended up costing a boatload of money.  I preach the former ALL the time.  I remind people and students that I've taught that mistakes are times of learning.  That failure is part of life.  That success can't come unless failure happens.

But in all honesty, part of me hates that.

I struggle with being a perfectionist.  Some days being a perfectionist is a really good thing.  It means I strive to produce high quality work and work hard in order to ensure that happens.  As someone who's job is to help ensure quality and accuracy of vehicle owner's manuals, that's important.

But there's a flip side.

It means I don't like to fail.

It means I hate to fail.

It means I hate to fall flat on my face when others are depending on my work.

And that's not okay.

Because if I live my entire life striving to be perfect and hating failure and weakness, what was the point of Jesus coming to earth, dying for the sins I commit on a daily basis, coming back to life?

If I was perfect I wouldn't need Jesus.

And, quite frankly, I think I hate that more than I hate failing.

I NEED Jesus.  Everyday I think I realize just a little more how much I need him.  I need him because I can't do this myself.  I can't carry the weight and burden of being perfect.  I can't live carrying the stress of what one little mistake means.

Because of Jesus, I can have a relationship with the Father.  That's not possible on my own.

Because of Jesus, I don't carry the burden of my failures.  Jesus takes them on himself.

Because of Jesus, I get to live in FREEDOM.  I don't have to be shackled by the burden of trying to be perfect.

None of this means that I don't strive for excellence.  That I don't strive to obey Jesus.  That I can just do whatever I want.

What this does mean is that I don't have to live in the chains of perfection.  What this means is that I can't earn God's love or lose God's love because of what I do or don't do.  What this means is that Jesus already did everything for me.  What this means is that I choose to honor God with my choices and life.

What this means is that when I fall flat on my face (not if, but when), Jesus is there to pick me up, brush me off, hold me close, and help me continue running the race.

When I twist my knee during a 5k in my spiritual life (like last weekend in real life), Jesus is there.  His love makes me want to obey him.  His care makes me want to serve him.

Perfection becomes less of the goal and honoring God because of what he's done for me takes it's place.

With love from a recovering perfectionist,
Holly

PS- Do you choose to learn from mistakes? Are you struggling to let God teach you?  I'd love to hear your stories about how God is teaching you to break the chains of perfectionism and rely on him for everything!  Share them in the comments below :-)