Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Power in Weakness

Last night I sat here contemplating the fact that I will be singing in the worship band at my Indiana church this Sunday.  And as I sat here thinking about that and the fact that I would also be singing alto/harmony (which I'm not entirely comfortable doing solely due to the fact that it doesn't come naturally to me), I became rather terrified and even started wondering what I had gotten myself into.  Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to be singing again.  I LOVE singing.  I just haven't done it in a while and harmony scares me.  I love the way it sounds, but I really struggle to hear it in a song... most of the time.

Anyway, as I was sitting here thinking about all of that a verse popped into my head (yeah, God's been doing that a lot lately. It's pretty cool). 

"My power works best in weakness." 
2 Corinthians 12:9b

That's God talking and that's his promise. Which is pretty spectacular, I must say.  And after I read that suddenly I knew.  When I'm weak, when I know I have struggled with this music, when I cannot hear the harmony for the life of me, God's strong.  Here's what I know: without God, this would never work. I would stand up there and flounder around searching for my part. But when God's involved, he can take my weaknesses and turn them into his strengths where he gets all the glory.  I learned a long time ago that my heart is what matters most when I lead worship.  If my heart is right with God, and I am truly worshiping him, then God will work it out.  It's his chance to shine, not mine.  The focus is on him, not on me and what I can do.  But on what his strength and power can do in the areas where I am weak.

And that's really comforting.

I'm still planning and practicing and (hopefully) meeting up with someone who's better at harmony than I am to learn.  Letting God's strength take over doesn't mean not preparing.  It means that even when I have done all I can do, it's really God who will step in and make it happen. His power works best when I've done all I can and there is nothing left. That's when God's strength makes all the difference. And that's why he gets all the glory.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Beauty for Ashes

Recently I've been thinking about some of my friends' stories.  Why they are who they are.  What their past looks like.  And if you ask a lot of them, a lot of them would say that their past isn't very pretty.  It's filled with bad choices, sin, and looks downright filthy a times.  I understand where they're coming from because my story doesn't seem all that pretty to me.  But when I look at my friends' stories, I see beauty.  Not because of their actions, but because I see where they are now.  I see what God has done in their lives.  I see the beauty that shines now because of their past.  I see the beauty of them reaching out to others in the same situations.  Yet, it can be hard for me to see the beauty in my own story.  And last night, as I was mulling this over in my mind, one phrase kept popping into my head, "Beauty for ashes..." I knew it was somewhere in the Bible, but it took me a minute to find it.  The phrase comes from Isaiah 61:3:

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his glory."

The whole chapter talks about how God takes what seems to be basically destroyed and restores it.  How he took something that reeked of hopelessness and gave it beauty. But God makes it beautiful.  And he is glorified through it all.  That's a precious promise. 

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Open Heart

This post is going to get vulnerable.  I'm just saying.  If you aren't comfortable with that, don't read it.  But you're going to get my heart and what's been going on in it for the last few weeks.

I haven't been right the last few weeks.  I really still can't place my finger on what was wrong, but something was.  I was crabby, overtired, and my spirit knew something else was just off.  I was troubled and wrestling with God over a number of issues: why I'm still single, why I'm in Indiana, why, why, and why some more.  It was rough.  I'm not going to lie and tell you that I've got it all figured out now.  Because I don't.  There are days I will still wrestle with God about why.  There are days when my spirit will be heavy and troubled and I'm might not know the reason why.  But one of the things I've learned from these past few weeks is that I know the One who does know.  I know the one who has it all figured out.  And some days I'd frankly like him to fill me in a little, but that's not what he promised.  He never promised to let me in on his plans.  He did promise that he knew his plans for me and they were good, for a a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

But that's not the only thing that he taught me through this.  I began to realize that too often I live with my heart closed off from the world. Too often I refuse to let people see me.  And I do it because I'm scared.  I'm terrified of being hurt.  Let's face it, being hurt by people sucks. But what I began to understand is this: If there is no chance for pain, then there is no chance for love.  So when I shut people out and only show them what I deem safe, I'm not allowing myself to love them or them to love me.

So here's what I want. I want to live my life with my heart open.  I want to love people with everything I have and trust God to handle the details of the relationship. I want to move beyond what I consider safe and take a risk.  I have to become vulnerable or I won't survive, because being safe is no longer an option. I need people in my life to tell me when I'm shutting them out again.  I need people to ask me questions and really listen to my answers.  I need people in my life who, when they see the real me, won't turn and run, but who will stay and will love me and allow me to love them.  I need people who will open their hearts to me.

It's scary. Actually, it's downright terrifying to allow someone the power to cause me so much pain.  I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Yet, I can't NOT do it.  There is something within me crying out for this. Because as much as I am handing people the power to cause me pain, I am also giving them the power to show me extravagant only from God love.  There will be pain. That's a fact of life.  But if I choose to live without the pain people can cause me, then I'm also choosing to live without the love.  And I am no longer willing to do that. I am no longer willing to play it safe.

If you know anything about me and my story, you probably know that I have struggled with fear for almost  my whole life.  It's something I battle literally on a daily basis.  Some of it's stupid stuff.  The stuff that everyone is afraid of or just little things that make me nervous. But other things are much bigger and have much bigger implications.  One of the verses that I have clung to over the past six or so years is this:

"The Lord replied, 'Don't say, 'I'm too young,' for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you.  And don't be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken.'"
Jeremiah 1:7-8

And the verse that my grandma gave me as my life verse:

"For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears.  He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."
Zephaniah 3:17

So.  When people fail me, my God is still with me.  When the pain comes, he is there to heal.  When the fear threatens to overtake me, he sings joy filled songs over me.  God has spoken.  People will fail.  He will not.  And he is calling me to this next step.  Living life with an open heart.  Loving without limits, without conditions.  Opening myself up to people and allowing them to see me.  Being vulnerable when it could end up hurting me.  It's a risk.  A big one.  But it's one I'm willing to take.

What's God calling you to do?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

My heart right now...


I am seriously listening to this song on repeat and my computer is about to die... you should listen too.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

The Road Through Ephesus...Drawn Ephesians 2:14

Well. It's been a while since I posted on Ephesians, so I thought I would start unpacking what God is speaking to me in this next verse.  It amazes me every time I approach this how much he teaches me.  It amazes me how much he reteaches me because I apparently wasn't paying attention the first time. I hope it's the same for you as you dive into these scriptures.  I pray that God is revealing more and more of himself to you.

Now, on to Ephesians.

Ephesians 2:14

"For Christ himself has brought peace to us. He united Jews and Gentiles into one people when, in his own body on the cross, he broke down the wall of hostility that separated us."

To me, this verse speaks of a promise that has been fulfilled.  It tells me that Christ promised peace to us and he has given us that peace in himself when he was on the cross.  What a breathtaking picture.   I know I've written before on here about how Christ is united with each believer.  But this verse takes the theme of unity and pushes it further.  Not only are we to be united to Christ, but we are also to be united to other believers.  We are to live in peace with them.  Hostility has no place in our relationships with other believers (really it has no place whatsoever, but especially in the context of relationships between believers).

Christ desires his church, his bride to be unified.  To be of one mind. He even prayed for that:

"I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in me through their message.  I pray that they will all be one, just as you and I are one--as you are in me, Father, and I am in you.  And may they be in us so that the world will believe you sent me."

John 17:20-21

How it must sadden him to see all the arguing and bickering that occurs in churches today.  It wasn't his plan at all for it to be that way!  How often do we take the petty little things and blow them up to huge proportions? Don't get me wrong. There are certain things that every Christian should believe.  But too often we get caught up in preferences, in the nonessentials, that we miss the big picture: the world is supposed to be drawn to Christ through our love for each other (and them) and our unity.

How well are we doing drawing the world to Jesus?

Monday, January 17, 2011

Listening

Since I moved down to Indiana, I've been to more sporting events then I've ever been to before, and in all honesty, I really haven't been to that many.  But a question hit me this week as I watched my cousin's basketball team play: How do the players ever hear what the coach is yelling at them?

With all the cheering, the pep band, and the general loudness of a highschool basketball game, I could barely hear myself think. And if someone was trying to talk to me, it sometimes took more than once for me to understand what they were saying.  And those were the people sitting right next to me. So I asked my cousin, Drew, how in the world he (and the team in general) can hear what the coach is yelling. And the gist of what he said was this (if I get anything wrong, Drew, you can correct me later!): He's learned his coach's voice.  From all the time spent in practice and such, the players know their coach's voice. He's heard it so much, that it can break through the chaos that is a highschool basketball game.  While Drew and I were talking, my cousin Marissa broke in and added this thought: that sometimes when she's playing, she can zone out the crowd and whatever else is happening, and zone in on her coach's voice and the action on the field.

So in order to hear their coaches' voices, it requires at least two things: learning what that voice sounds like and focusing on that voice.

Too often we complain about not being able to hear God's voice.  Yet have we taken the time to learn his voice?  Have we zoned out the rest of the world to focus in on his voice?  A highschool basketball game is anything but quiet, yet the team can pick out their coach's voice.  So it's not so much a matter of having the world around us quiet (though that certainly makes it easier), but rather learning what God's voice sounds like and focusing on it.

It requires time. I can't learn what God's voice sounds like unless I spend time in the quiet listening to him. I need to spend time in his word, in prayer, and just sitting in his presence listening.  Because when the chaos of life hits, as I know it will, I need to be prepared.  I can't learn his voice when I have a hundred other voices shouting at me.  But if I take the time now, I can pick out his voice among those hundreds.

It requires diligence. It won't come overnight.  It's something I have to work on, intentionally.  I have to be intentional and diligent about learning his voice now. Sometimes it will be easier to ignore his voice, but it's always better to hear it.

It requires focus.  I can't let other's voices distract me from what I know God is saying to me.  I have to be able to focus on God's voice in the middle of the chaos.  Because distractions are all around me, I need to zone out the world and zone in on God's voice.

But perhaps most importantly: It requires action. Knowing God's voice and focusing on it does me no good if I don't follow and obey what he tells me. Hearing and not doing is worse then not hearing at all.

"But the one who enters through the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out.  After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. They won't follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don't know his voice....I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and they know me,...They will listen to my voice..."

John 10:2-5,14,16

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Holy Hissyfits

I'm tired.  I could probably fall asleep at my computer right now if I really just gave up fighting it.  But if I go to bed now, I'll wake up too early tomorrow and then the cycle will repeat.  It's a no win situation. With all the snow we got yesterday, there wasn't even a 2 hour delay today.  It was sad.  I wanted more sleep and I didn't get it.

In other news, I'm going to be singing again.  For those of you who don't know, I love music.  And I love singing.  Growing up I sang.  I sang for church, for school, for fun.  I took voice lessons and sang in the car.  But when I graduated highschool, I stopped singing in front of people.  There were several reasons for this, but I took a break.  I still sang around the house and in the car and even did a couple of choirs, but I stopped with the performing and the worship leading.  Now it looks like I'll be picking it back up again.  I'm getting involved with the worship team at my church down in Indiana.  It's been a long time since I've done this and I hope I still can.  Especially since it could involve some harmony work and I've always struggled with harmony.  As naturally as most music comes to me, harmony and I struggle with each other.  I'm slightly terrified and cautiously excited.  It will be an adventure for sure.

So.  You remember how the verse I shared yesterday started out saying, (I'm paraphrasing now) "Come on, let's hash this out. Let's get to the bottom of this."?  Or as I believe one translation/paraphrase said, "Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out." ?  Well, that was me and God last night.  And it was about what it's almost always about: being single. Still.  There are days when I am perfectly okay, even enjoying, being single.  And there are days when all I want to do it throw a hissyfit (is that one word or two?) about it.  Yesterday was the latter.  I can't even pinpoint what exactly set it off.  I just know I was wanting to "argue this out".  And argue I did.  And I got to the same place I always get to, he's God, I'm not.  Ultimately I want his plans and his timing, because I know deep down it's for the best.  But perhaps what was most awesome was the verse my devotional was based upon last night:

"You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father."
John 14:13

Now I know this doesn't mean that I'll get exactly what I want if it's not in line with God's will and plan for me is, but this is what I do know from this: God is listening to me.  He hears my heart's cry.  He understands my frustration.  And he's working it out so that whatever happens, will happen to bring glory to the Father.  And that is way better than whatever I think my plans may be and whatever I think I may want.  He knows. He hears.  He understands. And his plan is best. Even in the midst of my "holy" hissyfits.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

If all the snowflakes were candy bars and milkshakes...

It's snowing here. Again.  I think it snows almost everyday now.  I'd show you pictures but once I got inside earlier I didn't want to go back out.  Maybe tomorrow I'll take some.  We actually got a few inches this time.  All the kids (and a lot of the teachers) are hoping for a two hour delay tomorrow (or a snow day).  Snow was wonderful when I was little. Now that I have to drive in it, it has lost some of it's appeal.  But there is something about a world covered in white.  It's breathtakingly beautiful.  And as I sit here thinking about the snow (and about how I might go make myself a nice mug of hot chocolate), I am reminded of God's faithfulness and forgiveness.

"Come now, let's settle this," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool."
Isaiah 1:18

I love the first part of this verse.  Some of the other versions say let's discuss this, let's argue this out, let's settle the matter.  How cool is that?!?!  The Creator of the Universe invites us to dialogue with him, to hash this matter out.  He wants us to understand this.  He wants our hearts to grasp this knowledge.  He wants us to realize the power of his forgiveness.  

And as breathtakingly beautiful as the snow is, I have to say dialoguing with the very one who made the snow and who takes my sins and makes them as white as the snow is even more beautiful.  

Beautifully pure.  Beautifully forgiven.  Beautifully HIS.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Randomness again...

Today is a day that I have no idea what to write.  I want to wait on Ephesians for when I have more time to write and work on my computer without the battery dieing. So. Here I am.  Not quite sure what to write.

My cousin, Drew, suggested I write about him.


He helped me make his favorite Christmas cookies this year...the dough got all over his hands and he had quite the time trying to get it off!

So.  Maybe a list of some things I'm thankful for?
Cookie making messes with cousins

Veggie Tales kicks


They are the best.  I colored in a Veggie Tales coloring book earlier this week, listened to a Veggie Tales CD and looked up some more fun Veggie Tale songs on YouTube. No, I am not too old for this.

A computer that works and has WIFI


Laughter

Christmas Vacation

My sister and her boyfriend (and for the chance to take pictures of them)


And just life in general...and its crazy, messed up, Jesus filled happenings that make it so worth living.




Sunday, January 9, 2011

The Road Through Ephesus... Inseparable Ephesians 2:13

I'm back.  I'm back in Indiana.  I'm back to blogging.  And I hope to not leave you for too long again.  If I do, read the post below this to find out what you should do.  I know it's been awhile but I want to jump back into Ephesians with you if that's okay.  I'm pretty excited about this next verse and I hope you all are excited about this as well.

Ephesians 2:13

"But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ."

This is good news.  It's not dark or dreary. It's hope  It's life. It's Jesus.  My heart is happy and content after reading this. Realizing the truths in this verse, listening to Jesus whisper to me through this verse, makes my heart full.  Look at the first part. "...you have been united with Christ Jesus."  I looked up the word united, because if you know me, you know I have an obsession with words. And if you didn't already know, united comes from the Latin root meaning "one".  Which is cool, because if you read it that way it says that we have become one with Christ Jesus.  We're not just good friends.  We are inseparable from Christ.  People shouldn't be able to tell the difference between us.  So cool.  And so not how I live most of the time.  I'm pretty sure that most people can see how I'm not like Jesus.  Which is sad, because I want to be inseparable.  I want people to look at me and think Jesus.



But the verse goes farther, it explains itself.  Not only have we become one with Jesus, but we were far from God and through the blood of Jesus we have been brought close to him.  Through Jesus.  Not righteous living, not anything I've done (or haven't done), not through a religion, but through a relationship with God's Son.  God's Son, who came down from heaven, lived as a perfect human, was beaten, bruised, and killed by crucifixion, and rose from the dead, did all of that for me.  His blood brought us close to God.  It wasn't through the perfect life he led.  It wasn't through the sickness he healed.  It wasn't through the mute he made speak.  It was through the blood he shed on the cross.

How often I take that blood for granted.  I forget what it cost Jesus to reconcile with me.  Too often I treat this precious gift with disdain and ungratefulness.  This week I want to remember the blood.  The blood that Jesus shed for us. For me.  I want to live in such a way this week that I remember what it cost to reconcile me with God and what it cost to make me and Jesus inseparable.  As I heard today, the only lasting motivational influence is love, and what greater love has ever been displayed than that of Jesus' shed blood for me.

Let's live it.

Beginnings and Goals

So, I've been rather lax in writing. I know.  It's sad.  During this new year I decided on three goals.  So far I have not done well on any of them.  I'm hoping to start fresh with this new week upon us.  I decided that would be far better than waiting a whole year to try again.  Anyways, here are my three goals this year:

1. Write/Journal more. This isn't in relation to my blog, but rather to my personal writing. By hand. I'm horrible at it. I want to get better.  In fact, my original goal was to journal each day of 2011.  Right now, I'm aiming for 4-5 times a week, which is a vast improvement over last year and the year before that.  In fact, the current journal I'm using, which is less than half way used, I started in March of 2009. You do the math. So in faith, I bought 4 new journals.



2. Blog on a regular basis.  I can't blog everyday. It doesn't work with my schedule.  But I can blog more than I do now.  Which, if you think about it, shouldn't be that hard since it's been about a month and a half since I blogged last.  Let's say 2-3 times a week minimum. And if you don't see me blogging on here, you are free to send me comments to remind me that I made this goal.  Maybe some accountability will help.

3. Dive deep into God's word. Yep.  I don't want to do this just half way.  And my track record this year has already been, well, non-existent for the most part.  There's really two parts to this goal: my daily Bible reading/prayer/Jesus time and studying the Bible (which would happen a few hours at a time 1-2 times a week).  I just bought this book and I'm excited about what it says:


But there are tools you need to study the Bible, so I also bought all of these books:


And you really can't see them all that well in the picture, but there's a lot. And I'm excited. And you should be excited for me. Just saying.

So, it's a new year.  But even better, it's a new month, a new week, a new day, a new hour, a new minute, a new second, for me to start my goals.  I love that God gives us so many chances for new beginnings.