Sunday, November 25, 2012

Just tired...

I'm sitting here and I should be doing homework.  After all, I only have three rough drafts due this week.  Yet, I'm having trouble getting started on anything that I have to get done.  Partly because, honestly, I just don't want to do it now.  I feel like with everything that has gone on in the past few weeks I have expended all the energy I had placed on reserve for this semester.  I'm ready to be done.  I'm ready for December 20th to be here in all of its Christmas break glory.  I'm ready to work on different things, have a different schedule, and spend time doing what I want to do instead of what I have to do.

Don't get me wrong.  I love teaching.  I love what I'm studying.  I'm just tired.  And Thanksgiving break really isn't a break when you have three rough drafts due the next week and 24 portfolios to grade.

And as I type this, I'm reminded of this verse:

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

I'm resting in Him and counting down to the end of the semester.  3 1/2 more weeks...





Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Rough Day Thankfulness

Today we celebrated the five and a half months we got to have this little guy, Jared D Manwiller.




It was a rough day.  There were lots of tears.  It was also a good day.  There was lots of laughter and hugging.  Spending time with family helps heal.  Huggings friends and hearing their encouraging words aids the healing.  It was an exhausting day.  My emotions are spent and I can't even begin to imagine what my cousin and her husband are feeling.  But it's the day before Thanksgiving and I realize that I have an awful lot to be thankful for:

  • A Savior who offers a hope and a promise that isn't just good in this life but also the next.
  • A family who sticks together.  We cry together, laugh together, and tomorrow we'll just hang out together.
  • Friends who send encouraging messages via text, Facebook, email, and in person.  Friends who probably don't even realize the impact that they have had on my life these last few weeks.
  • Journals to process life that happens.
  • Jesus music to heal and encourage.
  • New sweatpants and sweatshirts that are cozy and warm and that I got a great deal on.
  • Laughter.  It soothes the soul.
  • Mac and Cheese.  Because sometimes I just need comfort food and it's the best.
  • Birthday cupcakes that my dad is making me right now. And they're the best flavor: chocolate.
  • Chocolate chip cookies.  I don't think this one needs an explanation.
  • Timely songs that come on the radio.
  • Punch.  We only have it around the holidays and it's the best.
  • Hugs. Because hugs help everything.
  • My blog.  It's a processing tool, it's a release, and it encourages my heart to see how many people are reading.
  • My phone.  It has my music, my contact with friends and so much more that helps me escape at times.
There is so much more that could go on this list.  I am thankful for so many things and being thankful heals.  Being thankful takes the focus off of me and puts it back onto the giver of all these gifts: Jesus Christ.  None of these things belong to me... all of them are gifts... all of them are from the greatest gift giver... and all of them cause me to look outside myself.

Happy Thanksgiving.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Hard Nights and Healing

A part of me isn't sure I should post this.  But I try really hard to be open and honest on here and this is where my heart is at, so here it goes.

Nights are the hardest.

That might not make sense to you, but since my ex-boyfriend just broke up with me this past Friday (it's still weird calling him that), I've found the hardest times are at night.  These are the times I normally take to relax and these are the times I talked with him on the phone.

These are the times when I can't shut my mind off.

When I'm busy during the day, I'm okay.  I can hold it together fairly well because, well, with my schedule I barely have time to think about the work I need to get done let alone what's happened lately. But night is different.

If going to bed at 7:30 was a viable option, I think I would take it.  But it's not.  And that doesn't really solve the problem either because I just lay in bed and think.  

I've had to come up with some "coping" mechanisms... really they're healing mechanisms.

I process.  I blog.  I journal.  I cry.  I pray.  I read Scripture.  I listen to Jesus music.  And somehow I have begun to heal.

The thing about healing is that it doesn't take place overnight... as much as I would like it to.  God's timing isn't mine.  But His healing is the best.  And even now He sends encouragement and love letters to provide a balm to my heart.  I still have a long way to go with my healing, but it will come.

Healing is a process.  Nights are hard, but Jesus' love is greater.  Nothing can convince me otherwise.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Fog

The fog was super thick this morning as I drove to school and I began thinking about how my life feels foggy right now.  I couldn't see more than a couple car lengths in front of me when driving which has a tendency to freak me out just a little.  I drove even more defensively than I normally do.  I had to pay careful attention to the brake lights in front of me since I had completely lost my sense of where I was.

By the time I was half way through my commute, the fog was gone.  As I drove through downtown Detroit, it went from fog one minute to sunny blue skies the next.

And that truth is helping me in life right now.

Right now I feel like I'm in a life fog.  

I can't see what's going on ahead of me.  Everything is obscured in the fog and I'm having trouble seeing clearly.  But just like the sun dissipated the fog on my drive this morning, the Son (no, this isn't a typo) will dissipate the fog in my life eventually.  The best part is just like I was relying on the lights of the people's cars around me to tell me when I needed to stop, I can rely on Jesus to guide me through the fog so that I make it to the light.  I have my own personal guide.  While I may have lost my sense of direction for now, He hasn't.  He knows right where I am and where I am going.

Right now life is foggy, but it won't be foggy forever.  And even while it is foggy, Jesus will lead.

Happy Rebirth-day

Today I celebrate a different kind of birthday.  For those of you who know me, I celebrated my 24th birthday 10 days ago.  Today is different.  Today I celebrate my 17th rebirth-day.  It's the day that 17 years ago, I gave my life to Jesus and promised to follow him.  I asked Him to forgive my sins and come into my life.  I was just past my seventh birthday.

It's never been a decision that I've regretted.  Even during times when I was far away from God by my own choosing, He chose to gently draw me back.  He loves me even when I feel unlovable.  My faith doesn't mean that my life will be easy.  However,  it does mean that I'll have someone to lean into during the difficult times.  During the times when I just want to hide under the covers and not come out for months on end, He is faithful.

I've had reason to be thankful for that the past few weeks.  The past few weeks have been...tough...no, more than tough.  They've been "tears everyday, just want to stay in bed, where's my chocolate, life sucks, don't even want to tackle the mountain of homework that I've put off to deal with this junk" weeks.

Those are literally the thoughts I've had almost everyday lately.

And yet, I am so glad that 17 years ago I made the decision to follow Jesus.

When I feel like I just can't take one more piece of bad news, Jesus holds me.

When I feel like I have no more strength left, Jesus is my strength.

When I start sobbing, Jesus comforts.

I'm thankful for my relationship with Jesus.

I'm thankful for the other Christians He has put in my life to encourage me the past few weeks.

I am thankful that He loves me.

I am thankful that He saved me and that I can lean on Him.

I am thankful that His comfort is the best kind of comfort.

I am thankful that He has given me the strength to get through the last few weeks and will give me the strength to get through the weeks ahead.

I am thankful for His peace and the grace that He has given me so that I can extend it to others.

I am thankful for His forgiveness so that He can help me forgive others.

I am thankful for music that refocuses me on Him and is a balm to my wounded heart.

I am thankful for hugs... hugs help everything and are truly an extension of Jesus.

I am thankful for the prayers of friends and family and for a God who hears and answers those prayers.

I am thankful that I never walk alone.

I've found that one of the best cures for sadness is thankfulness. And service is right behind it.  When I take my mind off of my problems and focus on doing something for someone else, it helps.  All of the sudden I'm not inward focused on me and my problems, though people might surely tell me that I have a right to be upset and maybe even hold a little bit of a pity party.

But that's not how God calls us to live.

He calls us to forgive.  He calls us to keep our eyes focused on Him, not on us or our problems.

So today, on my rebirth-day, I am choosing to keep my focus on Him.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Ways you can pray for me...

This semester is going to be crazy.  I don't know how much I'll be able to write here, but I wanted to let you all know how to pray for me this semester because I know I can sure use it.

1. Pray for my students.  I'll be a GA (Graduate Assistant) this year and I'll be teaching first year writing as well as tutoring in the writing center.  I'll have lots of contact with students and I'm excited about it.  Many of them will be first year students and will be making the transition to college.  Pray that the transition would go smoothly.  Pray also that I would be able to speak into their lives and they would see Jesus in me.

2. Pray for my health.  I get sick with a head cold usually once a semester.  Pray that I would stay healthy as I will be on campus a lot and very busy.  I will be doing my best to stay healthy (hand washing, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, taking vitamins) but I can't avoid germs completely.  Students get sick and I'm in close contact with lots of them.  Pray that my immunity would stay strong.

3. Pray for my commute.  I travel over 100 miles on my way to and from school.  Pray that I would stay safe and make it to school on time.  I have a pretty tight schedule so getting stuck in traffic for long periods of time really isn't an option.  Also, pray for the weather.  Pray for safe driving conditions (no snow, ice, or torrential downpours).  Those types of weather conditions make it hard to get to campus on time.  And for all of you who want snow, you can pray for it during Christmas break.  My last day of class is December 19th.

4. Pray for my energy level.  Caffeine and I don't really like each other and I don't really want to get addicted.  However, I have really long days on campus and will need to keep my energy up.  Pray that I can do that naturally.

5. Pray for my relationships outside of school.  With school life being so busy it's easy to forget about life outside of school.  Pray that I would be able to maintain and cultivate the relationships I have outside of school and that I'll be able to have some sort of social life during the semester.

I'm sure as the semester continues I'll have more things that I want you to pray about and I will do my best to let you know.

Thanks for praying.  If there's something I can pray for you about let me know in the comments here.

School has commenced.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

The Road Through Ephesus... Mysterious Plans Revealed Ephesians 3:3

I'm slightly distracted today. I got a new phone last night and having to sit in class and write is torture right now compared to what I want to do which is play on my phone.  It's the first smart phone I've ever had so I'm pretty excited and it just does so much more than my old, non-smart phone.  But I'm going to try to plow through it.  I'm playing some worship music through my headphones so hopefully that will help focus my attention the right direction.

Let's start, shall we?

Ephesians 3:3

"As I briefly wrote earlier, God himself revealed his mysterious plan to me."

I want to start out by saying that I feel the beginning of this verse is slightly ironic.  When did Paul ever write anything briefly?  John, Peter, Jude: those were some brief letters.  But, Paul's letters?  Those are usually long.  Paul likes to use words.  I think we might have gotten along well.  If you've ever gotten a text from me you know that I don't send short texts.  I send 3-6 texts per message.  My old phone had a word count limit and my messages would routinely take at least two, but usually were about 3 or more.  All that to say that I don't know if Paul is trying to make a joke or not, but it sure seems ironic to me.

But back to the verse.

Look at the second phrase. "God himself revealed his mysterious plan to me."

I love that about God's nature.  If He wants you to do something, He will reveal his "mysterious" plans to you.  In the revelation, they are no longer mysterious.

I don't know about you, but I have spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what God's plans are.  But here's the thing: God has already revealed what I need to know.  Just because I want to plan out the next however many years of my life doesn't mean that I need to.  I need to trust that God will reveal those plans when I'm ready for them.

If you're a planner like me, that's a hard pill to swallow at times.

I like to know what I'm doing five minutes from now and five years from now.  But God won't reveal something until we need it.  He won't reveal something until we're ready for it.

That's also comforting to know.  Because if I'm feeling overwhelmed with a task that I feel is God's plan for me, then I know that God has prepared me for it.  I know that God has given me what I need to accomplish HIS plans.  And I know that He will give me the strength to do it.

God's plans are good and perfect.  They are to give us hope, purpose, and a future with Him (Jeremiah 29:11).

We also need to remember that these are God's plans that He is revealing.  I think sometimes we wonder why God isn't revealing something to us and it might be because those are OUR plans not His.  Our plans need to be surrendered.  Then God can begin the process of replacing our plans with His.  Then HIS plans will be revealed.

What plans are you waiting for God to reveal to you?  Are they  your plans or God's?  Do you need to surrender your plans so that you can learn what God has planned for you?  Do you need to step out into the plans God has for you in faith, trusting that He has equipped you for them?

What do you need to do next?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Road Through Ephesus... Special Responsibilities Ephesians 3:2

It's going to be hot this week.  By the weekend it could be up close to 100 degrees.  However, as I write this I am wearing a sweatshirt because the air is on at school and I'm cold.  So the question is, how do I dress for 90+ degrees and really cold A/C?  The answer:  There is no good option.  Layering only works so well.

But anyway... enough of my complaining.  Now that we've started this Ephesians study back up as of yesterday, are you ready to jump back in today?

I'm going to pretend that you answered yes.  Because even if you answered no, I'm still going to keep typing.

Here's our verse for today:

Ephesians 3:2

"assuming, by the way, that you know God gave me the special responsibility of extending his grace to you Gentiles."

I feel like Paul is being rather sarcastic here.  That phrase, "assuming, by the way,..." seems like the church in Ephesus should know this, but something about them is telling Paul that they don't.  I don't know.  Maybe it's just me.  But in almost every version I read I get the impression of sarcasm.  Read this verse in a few different versions and see if you get the same impression.

When Paul starts this verse, I can see him remembering.  He's doing what we talked about yesterday.  Reminding himself and the Gentiles why he's in their lives.  And that it's God's grace that does all the work.  But that's not what I want to focus on here.  There's a specific phrase that really jumped out at me as I was reading this.

"...the special responsibility..."

The Gentiles were part of Paul's special responsibility.  I think we each have special responsibilities.  God has made each of us unique and with special gifts and talents.  We each have specific and special responsibilities in God's family.  If we were all the same, nothing would ever get done and I have a hard time imagining many people coming to Christ if we all tried to be just one part of the body or family.


I think we can often get jealous of the special responsibilities other people have too.  Somehow everyone else's "specialness", seems more special than ours.  But God has uniquely given you a special responsibility too.  Maybe it's to reach your friend and bring them closer to Jesus.  That may be something only you can do.  Maybe it's to write a blog entry that touches someone's heart with the words God gave you.  Maybe it's to snap a photograph that somehow portrays God's glory and splendor. Maybe it's something else.


Whatever it is, it is YOUR responsibility.

And if you are envying someone else's responsibility, then you are wasting your own.

What is your special responsibility?  What has God purposefully gifted you for?  What can you do that no one else can do just like you?

Start doing it.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

The Road Through Ephesus... Remembering Ephesians 3:1

I haven't done this in a while.  Moving back to Michigan, starting my MA, and getting a new job has kept me busier than I would have liked.  I'm still working on the MA, but I am currently taking a two week class where I just get to sit and write for hours.  It's pure bliss and I'm hoping to catch up on our Ephesians series.

The last time I wrote about Ephesians we were finishing the last verse of chapter 2.  And that was over a year ago.  If you need a refresher of what we've talked about so far in Ephesians, look for the cluster of words on my blog.  When you find it, click Ephesians and you should find all the entries there.  For now though, I think we should just jump into chapter 3.  Sound good?

Okay, here it is:

Ephesians 3:1


"When I think of all this, I, Paul, a prisoner of Christ Jesus for the benefit of you Gentiles..."


I really like this verse.  Partly, because it has an ellipsis at the end.  I think Paul might have been a little ADD because he starts this thought here and doesn't finish it until verse 14.  He gets sidetracked talking about other things.  Important things, but other things none the less.


But look at how the verse starts: "When I think of all this..."  Paul is intentionally choosing to remember.  In this case, he is remembering everything he just wrote.  He's remembering that the Gentiles are called.  That they are no longer outsiders.  That they are holy.  


These people who the Jewish people thought were so far from God are able to have a relationship with Him now.


That's amazing.


What's also amazing is that Paul is choosing to remember this.  He is choosing to focus on the fact that these are now his brothers and sisters in Christ and God has called Paul to serve them.  Paul has been taken captive by Christ for the benefit of the Gentiles, so that they too can know the Good News of Jesus.


Wow.


I think we sometimes choose to forget instead of choosing to remember.  Paul didn't forget the Gentiles' past.  He didn't forget who they used to be and how they were so far from God.


We need to remember that too.  We need to remember how far we were from God.  How broken our relationship with Him was.  We need to remember how Jesus found us and how He redeemed us.  Not because we want to live in the past.   Not because that's who we are anymore.  But because, Jesus saved us.  He rescued us.  He forgave us.


Remembering reminds us of His mercy.  It reminds us of His grace.  It reminds us of the incredibly high price He paid to ransom us.  We need to remember our past.


There's a song by Point of Grace that has these words in it:


But it's the memory of 
the place you brought me from
that keeps me on my knees
even though I'm free

Heal the wound, but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful you are...

Don't let me forget
Everything you've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

We can't forget. We have been saved for a purpose.  We are to point others to Him.  How can we do that if we forget where we came from and how messed up we were?

So.  Today, remember.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Writing and Prayer: What Doesn't Impress Your English Teachers or God

I started a new job a few weeks ago: I'm a writing center coordinator at a local college.  Part of my job requires tutoring students (which I love).  This last week I had a session that made me think of the way we pray.



Now I know you may be thinking, "Writing? Praying?  I just don't see the connection, Holly."  Well, wait just a minute and I think you'll get where I'm headed here.

When I sat down to tutor this week with the student who had come in to see me, I thought it was going to be a fairly normal session. And in many ways it was.  However, when I asked the student to point out his thesis statement, I was a bit confused with what he pointed out.  It wasn't that I doubted that this was what the student thought his thesis statement was; it was more along the lines of I couldn't understand what he was trying to say.  Usually when that's the case I tend to think it might have to do with some grammar errors or an idea that I'm not familiar with, but this time was different.

This time there were so many "big" words in the sentence that the sentence had lost meaning.

When I asked the student what his main point was, he was able to articulate it.  But when I told him to use what he had just said as his thesis statement, he claimed that it didn't sound academic enough.


Oftentimes, we feel the same way with prayer.


We think our prayers have to have all these big words that no one understands anymore.  Thees and thous have to be included and the more it sounds like it came right out of the King James Version of the Bible the better it reaches God's ears.

Well.  That's just not true.

There's a story that Jesus tells in the Bible about two men praying.  One very "religious" man stood in front of everyone and prayed a fairly pretentious prayer: "I thank you, God, that I am not a sinner like everyone else. For I don’t cheat, I don’t sin, and I don’t commit adultery. I’m certainly not like that tax collector!  I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income." (Luke 18:11b-12)


The other man, a despised tax collector, was a different story.  His prayer went something like this: "O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner." (Luke 18:13b)  He wouldn't even lift his head to look toward the heavens and beat his chest.  He didn't come close, but instead stood at a difference.




And Jesus says that this second prayer of the second man caused him to live justified before God.


A humble heart.  Simple words.  Repentance.  Conversation.  Honesty.  

These are what prayer is about.

What this student I was tutoring reminded me is that English teachers aren't impressed by your big, fancy, pretentious words.


And, frankly, they don't impress God either.


He already sees your heart.  He knows what you're thinking.  Stop trying to impress him and just communicate with him.  That's what makes his heart happy.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Disturbed

I'm reading through the New Testament with a friend right now and over the last week, I've found the word "disturbed" twice in my readings, so of course I wanted to search it, see what the original Greek was... You know, all that fun stuff that us word geeks like to do :-)


What I found was that the two instances that I found the word "disturbed" weren't actually the same in the original Greek.  But the meanings were still really cool and I still really want to talk about both of them so, here it goes... 


The first verse is found in Matthew 2:3.  The setting is when the wisemen approach King Herod with the news that Jesus, the King of the Jews, the Messiah, was born.  They were looking for where he might be.  This was Herod's reaction to the news and what struck me wasn't really Herod's reaction but rather the reaction of everyone in Jerusalem.  Take a look at the verse for a second:




3 King Herod was deeply disturbed when he heard this, as was everyone in Jerusalem.

Everyone in Jerusalem was "deeply disturbed".


So, this lead me to my wondering about what "disturbed" meant in this context.  Partly because I'm interested in words, but partly because everyone had this reaction to the news about Jesus and I wanted a little more information about what that reaction was.  What I found was that the word translated disturbed here has the connotation of agitation, restlessness, to stir up, to trouble.  Most of the definitions I found seemed to have a negative affect.  But it's the reaction that strikes me.  It was a pretty involved reaction.


That reaction lead me to this thought:


Our reaction to Jesus is never neutral and we always have a reaction to him.  


Jesus didn't come so we could have a comfortable easy life.  He came to shake things up.  His presence should make our hearts restless for more of him.  That restlessness speaks to our need for Christ.


It made me wonder if my reaction to him has been too tame lately.  I want my restlessness and agitation to change the world for Jesus, but have I been restless or agitated lately?  Or have I allowed something else to take the place of that restlessness and stirring Jesus brings to my heart?

What about you?  Is Jesus stirring your heart?  Or have you allowed something else his place?



P.S. I'll talk about the other verse later...this is already long :-)