Words.

Words.

I love them.  They're how I make my living.  They're how I spend my free time... both devouring them in the form of books and creating with them in the form of this blog and journaling and a million other ways.

I don't know what it is about words that brings me such pleasure.

But there's something about specific words that just fit.

And as I look back over the last year, there are some very specific words that come to mind that have played an important role in my life.  Words that seem to have embodied what this year meant in my life.

And I want to share them with you.

Joy.

I don't know what it is about this word.  But I love it.  I can't get enough of it.  It's actually staring at me right now as I write this in the form of a Christmas decoration I have.

I think when you've lived life at points with very little or absolutely no joy and then walk through it to a time where there is laughter and peace and joy, that you realize you never want to go back.

Joy is contagious.  Joy is life-giving.  And joy is a choice.

Joy comes from choosing Jesus.  From choosing to serve others.  From choosing to trust that God has a plan and he knows what he's doing.

Joy is one of my favorite words right now.  If I'm not careful, I could seriously buy everything in the store with the word JOY on it.  I love the reminders around my home to choose joy.

Simplicity.

One of my favorite things lately is to turn on my Christmas tree lights, light a candle, maybe turn on one lamp, and just sit.  And think (because my brain literally never shuts off).  It's a time of quiet.  It's a time of peace.  And somehow, the word that comes to mind whenever I do this is simplicity.

More and more I'm finding joy in the small things.  The simple things.  A really good chocolate chip cookie.  Purple and white Christmas tree lights.  Yummy smelling candles.  Time to sit and reflect. Simple prayers.  A mug of vanilla chai tea.  Time with people I love.  Amazing hugs.  A song on repeat.

The simple things often mean the most to me.  I don't want lavish things.  I much prefer things that let me know you know me.  That you were thinking of me.  Simple, but meaningful.

Quiet Strength.

Yes.  I realize this is two words put together.  But I love them together.  Quiet strength isn't strength that's in your face.  It's the strength that comes out when you think you're about to break.  It's the strength that people don't see until they think you're going to break.

It's not a strength that always has to have its own way.  It's not a strength that demands.

It's a strength that gives everything it has.  It's a strength that considers the needs of others.  It's a strength that loves when it's really hard to love.  It's a strength that comes from time with Jesus, in his presence.

It's the kind of strength I want to have.  The kind that I'm constantly working on.

Words are powerful.  Words can breathe life.

There are so many words that I am in love with right now.  These are just a few that have stood out over the last year.  What are some words that have spoken to you over the last year?  Are they life-giving words?

Moments

There's a bunch of stuff I could be doing right now.

Instead I'm sitting here, typing, listening to Jesus music, spending time with Jesus and trying to process the last couple of days.

My heart is sad.

My heart is sad because there's this family who's pretty amazingly special to me.  This family is my family when I'm not with my actual family.  This is a family who I've grown with, loved with, laughed with, and been challenged with.

And I found out earlier this week that they'll be moving at least several hours away.

And that makes my heart sad because I'm going to miss them like crazy.  I love these people so much.

Some moments I'm okay.  When I'm with people, with them, I'm usually okay.  Mostly because I'm focused on making sure everyone else is okay and I'm keeping busy.  I'm too busy praying silently for other people as we hold each other to think about what my heart's feeling.

But I have my moments.

When someone says something sweet about this family.  When someone else starts crying.  When someone reaches in for a hug.  When I just stop and let myself think and process.

In those moments I turn into an emotional basket case of tears.  Like my friend said, it comes in waves. I'll be fine one minute and bawling the next.  Trying not to sob.  Like right now while I'm typing this.

It happens at strange times.  Like when I walked in the door tonight and started to make dinner.  I was grating cheese and just started sobbing.  Still not quite sure what set that bout of tears off.

But even in that moment of sobbing and grating cheese, my first instinct was that I needed some time with Jesus.  I needed to let him comfort my heart, pull me close and wipe my tears.  I needed him to speak truth and love to my heart.
And he has.

It's in these moments that he reminds me of his character.  That he is good.  That he is love.  That he is faithful.  And that I can trust him.

I honestly don't know how people deal with things when they don't have Jesus.  Because in those moments when I break down, it's not especially pretty.  But in even the tears, there's still hope.   There's still peace.  There's still the gentle whisper of God's love.

And in those whispers, God reminds me that his love travels many miles.  And the love that this family and I have for each other will travel many miles.  Distance won't change the love we have for each other.  It just may have to change the way that love is expressed. Vacations to see each other instead of every weekend.  Letters, texts, emails, and Skype dates instead of lunch dates, coffee dates, and sleep overs.  Still haven't found a replacement for the hugs yet though...I'll just have to stock up with as many as possible before they leave.

So basically, all this to say, I'm going to be sad.  And that's okay, because that means that I really love my friends and I'm going to miss them.  I'm going to be happy, because they're going to get to do awesome things where they're going and I'm going to get to do awesome things here.

And in all those moments, the happy and the sad, I'm going to run to Jesus.  Because he gets it.  He understands.  He knows.  And he gives some pretty awesome hugs too.  And my heart desperately needs them.

Blown away...

Some days God just blows me away.

When I write here, I enjoy checking the stats feature to see how many people have been reading.  Sometimes I'm blown away by the amount of page views after I post something.  And sometimes it seems like just a drop in the bucket.

The page views aren't why I write.  I write because God keeps teaching me things and this is how I process.  I write to make the thoughts stop tumbling around in my head.

No, the page views aren't why I write, but they are a small nudge from God reminding me that other people are going through the same things and I should keep writing.

Which brings me to today...

I got on here just to check the stats page.  I had no intentions of writing today and I haven't written since mid-November.

Which is why I was blown away.

On Friday I had 81 page views.

That may not seem like a lot to you, but there are days when I write something and I only get 25-35 page views.  Sometimes, if I post a few days in a row, during peak traffic hours, I can get that number up into the 80s/90s/100s... but that's rare.  So to see 81 page views on a day when I hadn't written, during a week that I hadn't written, and the previous post before that was mid-November was humbling and exciting and a bunch of other emotions that I haven't fully identified yet.

It was like God reminding me that I write for a reason.  It's not just for me.  Other people need to know who Jesus is and that He loves them.  Other people need to know God's grace and mercy.

And through this blog, I get to have a small part in that.

Blown away.

Happy 19th Re-Birthday to Me

I woke up this morning and as soon as I saw the date I knew the importance of the date.

Today is my 19th re-birthday.

Today is the 19th anniversary of the day I chose to follow Jesus.

And because of that, today is special.

All day today I've been reflecting on this last year of following Jesus.  It's had its up and downs for sure.  There have been times when I have not been completely faithful to the one I gave my heart and life to 19 years ago.  But there have been some really AWESOME times this year.  Times where Jesus has revealed his love for me, taught me more about him, and taught me more about myself and how he uniquely created me.

Some of my favorite moments from this last year are the times when I got to have conversations with people about Jesus and just love on people... even if they don't end up loving Jesus too.  Those have been the times that I have felt alive.  They've also been the times that bring me even closer to Jesus, because it never fails that, as I talk about what God is doing in my life with people who haven't chosen to follow Jesus, I find myself spending a lot of time in prayer.  For them, for me, for life.

So today, in the midst of my celebrating and reflection, I want to love on you and have a conversation about Jesus.  So pour the hot beverage of your choice and let's talk :-)

Someone asked me once why I believed in Jesus so strongly when I'm so young.  I really only had one answer.  Basically what it comes down to is that I've experienced God's grace and forgiveness in ways that I can't begin to describe.  After everything that I've done and everything I've gone through, Jesus is still the same.  And his love is still overwhelming.  I worked so hard to try and please people only to finally begin to realize that pleasing Jesus is the only one who matters.  I still screw things up royally... way more often than I care to admit.  But that's the truth.  I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be.

But there's another truth that I can't fully wrap my head around, but I know it's truth.  Jesus saw something in me.  He loved me even when I didn't see anything worth loving in myself.  He called me and told me I was his.  He chose me.  He adopted me into his family.  He calls me friend, daughter, beloved.

How could I not respond to a love like that? How could I not choose to follow Jesus when I've experienced that kind of love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy?

That's what today is about.  It's not about celebrating me and a decision I made.  It's about celebrating Jesus.  It's about celebrating that he chose me and he loves me.  He loved me enough to die for me.  And he loves me enough to continue making me into his woman.  It's about celebrating and remembering what Jesus has done in me and through me.

And it's a time of hope that, one day, each of you will experience that love.

I'm serious about the hot beverage and a chat too.  I'd love to have conversations with any of you... even if you don't agree with me.  We can talk via text, Skype, Facebook, email, in person, or even by carrier pigeon if you prefer.

So are you up for it?  Are you willing to have a conversation?

Redeeming Dates

I have this thing about dates.  As in, days on the calendar kind of dates.

I remember birthdays, anniversaries, and other "important" dates easily.

Most of the time, this is a good thing.  Sometimes it's a hard thing.

Dates that have good times and memories associated with them are fantastic to remember.

But then there's the other kind of dates.  The dates seared in my mind because they weren't so happy.  And sometimes I don't know how I'm going handle that date until I'm there.

Sometimes I wish my brain wasn't so good at remembering dates.  There are some dates that I wish I could wipe the significance of out of my mind.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy a day without thinking about the significance of the date.  I may be far past the hurt that happened, but every time the date rolls around, I know what it signifies.

Today's one of those days.  One of those days where the date has some previous hurt attached to it.  And I'm doing okay.  But part of me wishes this day didn't hold any significance... that nothing would trigger when I look at the calendar.

But that's not the case.

I do remember the date.  And I remember the hurt.  And I remember the pain of that day two years ago.

But God's teaching me something.

He's reminding me that I don't live there anymore.

He's reminding me of the healing that he's done in my life since then.

He's reminding me of the laughter I've shared since then.

He's reminding me that he is the redeemer of my days.

Two years ago, I wouldn't have thought that was possible.  But now?

Now I know.

I know God heals.

I know God redeems.

I know God has a plan and a purpose for everything.

I know God loves to hear me laugh.

And I know he has redeemed this date.  This date is no longer one that signals pain, hurt, and heartache, but is instead a date that reminds me of true friendship, laughter, healing, and God's promises and care.

"This is what the Lord says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow." Isaiah 48:17

25

Tomorrow is my 26th birthday.

Though if you ask the waitress at our favorite local restaurant, I look 15.  And if you ask her mom, the owner, I look about 20.

I think it's funny.

But with tomorrow being my 26th birthday, I've decided to take some time and reflect on this last night of being 25.  And I've chosen to do that with all of you.

25 was a fabulous year in many ways.  It started off with a birthday trip to Greenfield Village, a home inspection, church, and dinner with some great friends who are so dear to my heart.

God was bringing me out of a year that, while filled with good times and healing, was also incredibly difficult.

And 25 was a year where God continued to heal my heart.  It's been a year that's just been good.  Fun.  Joy-filled.

Yes, there have still been days that have been full of frustration and annoyances, but looking back, it's been a year of blessings.

Material blessings: a new house, stuff for the house, Orlando vacation, and more.

Physical blessings: almost 20 lbs. lost, less headaches as I've starting cutting out processed foods, better health in general.

Relationship blessings: friends that are more like family, coworkers who are more like family, new friends, old friends, trips to see friends.

Spiritual blessings: growing closer to Jesus, letting God show me who he created me to be, talking with friends about Jesus, about what Jesus is doing in my life, about what he is or could be doing in their lives, watching people grow closer to Jesus... even if they don't always realize that they're getting closer to Jesus.

25 has been a good year.  Lots of good memories.  Lots of joyous laughter.  Lots of being who God made me to be.  Lots of life lived fully.

I can only imagine what 26 will bring.

Lonely

This is one of those blog posts that is going to be hard to press publish on.  This is one of those blog posts that something deep within me is screaming, "Don't write it! Don't be that open and vulnerable. Don't let people in."  And yet, these are the posts that God uses the most in my own life.  These are the posts that bring healing to my heart and help stop the numerous thoughts swirling in my head on a daily basis.

So here I am.  Typing away.  Working up the nerve to tell you what's going on in my heart and mind right now.

And it's not easy.  But I know in the end it will be worth it.  So here it goes...

I'm different.  I don't feel like I fit in most of the time.  I'm not normal (whatever normal is anyway...).

And that often leaves me feeling very lonely.

In all honesty, I'm usually okay with being different, with being smart, following Jesus, and being who he created me to be.

I LIKE me.

But then I have days where it's all just very overwhelming.  Where I just wish I could relate to people better.  Where I just wish that being different wasn't so hard.

It's not a new feeling.

In elementary school, I was different.  I was smart.  I liked school.  I liked my teachers.  I liked doing the right thing.  And all of that made me different... and it made it difficult to make friends.

I liked hanging out with the adults.  There was less drama.  Less cattiness.  Less chance I was going to get picked on.

Don't get me wrong.  I still had friends my own age.  But I had very few friends and I could count on one hand the number of people I would have considered a close friend who I went to school with.

These feelings didn't stop there.  I wasn't your typical teen.  I hated roller coasters, had no desire to stay up all night long or really even that late, thought video games were pointless (probably because I wasn't good at them), was homeschooled, and had pretty strict standards about the types of media I would let myself watch/listen to (some of them self imposed, some of them parental restrictions).

None of that would I change.  That's what made me, me.  But it made it difficult to connect.  I had a close group of friends, but they weren't always at activities and I found myself, once again, gravitating to the adults in my life.

Now I am an adult and the feelings haven't stopped.  There's a running saying at my office about whether or not something is "Holly-appropriate".  Most days I actually really appreciate my coworkers working to protect me from what they consider inappropriate based on what I believe.  I know they really are trying to protect me, and since my coworkers are family at this point, I love them for it.  I work hard to find points of connection with them outside of what they deem as "not-Holly-appropriate".  It's why you'll find football games on inside my house when I'm pretty indifferent towards the game.  It's why, when I finally have 2-3 people tell me a certain movie is "Holly-appropriate", I do a little research and make an effort to watch it.  It's why I look at cat pictures and share recipes and send English/writing jokes back and forth.  It's why I'll go to the bar with them and drink pop while we all just talk.

That's most days.

And then there are the days when I just want to say, "Screw it.  I don't want to be different anymore.  I just want to fit in.  I don't care if things are 'Holly-appropriate' or not, I just want to be normal for once in my life. I want to not have to ask if something is a movie quote or from a TV show or a pop culture reference that just completely went over my head.  I want to not feel like the odd man out, alone, and lonely."

And usually after the mini-tantrum/pity party I throw, I get my head screwed back on straight and I realize I do care if something is "Holly-appropriate" or not.  I do care what I put into my mind and body.  I do want to be different.  Because I'm following Jesus, and that requires me to be different.  It means my life should look different.  My life should be more love-filled, hope-filled, joy-filled, and peace-filled.  And part of how I get it that way is to live differently.

But it doesn't always change that last sentence.

I still get tired of feeling lonely.

Of feeling like the odd man out.

Of feeling like no one quite understands all the thoughts constantly swirling around in my head.

Of feeling like I'm the only one who chooses to live like this, to follow Jesus.

But that's not the reaction I need to have.

Because Jesus gets it.


Jesus got lonely.

No one quite understood the thoughts swirling around in his head constantly.

There were probably pop culture references he just did not get.

And if it's not "Holly-appropriate", can just imagine the things people wouldn't tell Jesus because it wasn't "Jesus-appropriate"?

So instead of throwing myself a pity party accompanied by a class A tantrum because I feel left out and lonely, what if I turned to Jesus, spilled my guts to him, and let him comfort me?  Let him show me that I'm not alone?  And that his truth is greater than my feelings?

Because that's the truth: Jesus gets it.  Jesus will never leave me or forsake me.  And the truth and how I feel aren't always in sync... I'd rather trust the truth.

So today I'm going to try something different.  I'm going to run to Jesus.  I'm going to embrace what makes me different.  I'm going to keep choosing to live following Jesus.  I'm going to keep loving the people around me.  And I'm going to be thankful that God put people in my life who care enough to warn me and protect me when something's not "Holly-appropriate".