Starbursts, headaches, and Jesus

I ate a starburst today.

For most of you, that might not seem like a big deal.  But for me, it was.  Let me explain.

Over the past 7 or so months I've been on a health journey to eliminate processed foods out of my life because I've found that I'm allergic to pretty much anything processed... specifically MSG.  It's not like my throat closes up or anything like that, but I get fairly severe headaches, my heart races, and I become really fatigued if I eat something that I shouldn't.

So today, when a coworker offered me a starburst, I took it.  I debated for a few minutes about whether or not it was a good idea, but it looked good and I was feeling frustrated with not getting the work I needed to get done finished because I has been problem solving all morning.

And then I got the headache.  From eating one lousy starburst.  The worst part is that, if I'm being honest, it didn't even taste that good.

And while I was thinking about what a stupid decision it was to eat that starburst while I was doing dinner dishes, God started nudging my heart.

That starburst seemed so small.  So insignificant.  Too often I make choices like that in my walk with Jesus.

I choose something small.  Something inconspicuous.  Something that doesn't seem like that big of deal.

But it is.  Before I know it, I have a sin sized head ache that is making it nearly impossible to function in a normal capacity.

A small choice that becomes crippling.

Sure, there are "band aid" fixes.  Just like when I ate the starburst and then a half hour later was reaching for the ibuprofen.  I can put up safeguards, be careful, and vow to do better.

But, in the end, they're just band aid fixes.

They don't offer any long term relief.

They don't get at the real problem: My heart. My desires.  My idols.

But Jesus isn't a band aid fix.  He offers real freedom.  Freedom from sin headaches from seemingly insignificant choices.

That's why I need Jesus.  That's why I need his forgiveness everyday.  That's why I need his grace.  That's why I need Jesus to change my heart, my desires, and to take control of my life.

I'm sure there will be plenty of other "starbursts" in my life, where I make a choice to sin in what may seem insignificant at the time, but turns into a significant break in my relationship with Jesus.

But it's in those times that I'm thankful that I can turn to Jesus.  I don't have to reach for a band aid fix.  I have a Jesus who heals.  A Jesus who restores my relationship with him.  A Jesus who forgives and works with me to change my heart so that my desires match his desires.

So much better than a band aid or ibuprofen.

Baptism Hope

100 (or so) people publicly declaring that they'll follow Jesus.

That's what I got to witness today.  Today I saw my cousin, young kids, whole families, engaged couples, and adults choose to tell everyone that they're following Jesus now.  Today I saw people who have been endlessly prayed for, loved on, and spoken truth to follow Jesus' example in baptism.

Baptism weekends are always emotional for me.

I love them so much.

Watching people declare that they're following Jesus does something to my heart strings.  It moves me in ways that I don't have words for.  And normally, as a writer, I have nothing but words.

But it does more than just move me.  It gives me hope.

Hope that the people I am praying daily for to know Jesus will one day be up there being baptized.

Hope that the people I am loving on with Jesus' love will one day be up there declaring their love for Jesus.

Hope that the people I have spoken God's truth to will one day be up there speaking the truth of what God has done in their lives.

I may not have words to explain what is happening in my heart right now, but I have hope.  I have Jesus.

Recovering Perfectionist

It's been awhile since I've written, I know.  Sometimes staring at a computer screen for hours a day at work makes it difficult to come home and write here.  But I'm back tonight and that's what matters :-)

You know what's really hard?  Having to take your own advice that you've given over and over again. We had a quality issue at work this past week and I had a choice to make:  I could either choose to look at it as a learning experience or I could continue to beat myself up about the fact that the error happened and wasn't caught until it ended up costing a boatload of money.  I preach the former ALL the time.  I remind people and students that I've taught that mistakes are times of learning.  That failure is part of life.  That success can't come unless failure happens.

But in all honesty, part of me hates that.

I struggle with being a perfectionist.  Some days being a perfectionist is a really good thing.  It means I strive to produce high quality work and work hard in order to ensure that happens.  As someone who's job is to help ensure quality and accuracy of vehicle owner's manuals, that's important.

But there's a flip side.

It means I don't like to fail.

It means I hate to fail.

It means I hate to fall flat on my face when others are depending on my work.

And that's not okay.

Because if I live my entire life striving to be perfect and hating failure and weakness, what was the point of Jesus coming to earth, dying for the sins I commit on a daily basis, coming back to life?

If I was perfect I wouldn't need Jesus.

And, quite frankly, I think I hate that more than I hate failing.

I NEED Jesus.  Everyday I think I realize just a little more how much I need him.  I need him because I can't do this myself.  I can't carry the weight and burden of being perfect.  I can't live carrying the stress of what one little mistake means.

Because of Jesus, I can have a relationship with the Father.  That's not possible on my own.

Because of Jesus, I don't carry the burden of my failures.  Jesus takes them on himself.

Because of Jesus, I get to live in FREEDOM.  I don't have to be shackled by the burden of trying to be perfect.

None of this means that I don't strive for excellence.  That I don't strive to obey Jesus.  That I can just do whatever I want.

What this does mean is that I don't have to live in the chains of perfection.  What this means is that I can't earn God's love or lose God's love because of what I do or don't do.  What this means is that Jesus already did everything for me.  What this means is that I choose to honor God with my choices and life.

What this means is that when I fall flat on my face (not if, but when), Jesus is there to pick me up, brush me off, hold me close, and help me continue running the race.

When I twist my knee during a 5k in my spiritual life (like last weekend in real life), Jesus is there.  His love makes me want to obey him.  His care makes me want to serve him.

Perfection becomes less of the goal and honoring God because of what he's done for me takes it's place.

With love from a recovering perfectionist,
Holly

PS- Do you choose to learn from mistakes? Are you struggling to let God teach you?  I'd love to hear your stories about how God is teaching you to break the chains of perfectionism and rely on him for everything!  Share them in the comments below :-)

18th Re-brithday

It's been 18 years.  In some ways it's hard to believe it's been that long.  I was so young when I made the decision, only 10 days past my 7th birthday.  November 19th, 1995: the day I chose to give my life to Jesus and live for him.

Some people may say that I was too young to really know what I was doing when I gave my life to Jesus and the truth is I didn't understand it all.  But I knew what I did understand.  I knew, even at 7 years old, that I was a sinner.  And that because I had sinned, Jesus had to die on the cross.  But the good news was that he didn't stay dead.  Three days later he came back to life.  And because of the work he did on the cross, I could have my sins forgiven and spend eternity with Him.  I knew that He would always be with me and never leave me.

So, on that night, I did what Romans 10:9 says: "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved."

I've never regretted it.

Not for one minute.

I haven't always been the best at following Jesus.  I have sinned, repeatedly.  I have inwardly walked away from him. I have ignored what he has told me.

But He's still there.

And He still loves me.

And so, as I celebrate my 18th re-birthday, I'm thankful.  I'm thankful for what Jesus has done.  I'm thankful that He never gives up on me.  I'm thankful that He has held me so close this last year.  I'm thankful that He draws me close to His heart everyday.  I'm thankful for all the tiny little ways He shows His love for me and all the great big ways He shows his love for me.

But I'm also thankful that this gift isn't just for me.  

I'm thankful that it's open to EVERYONE.

I'm thankful that if you make the same choice I did 18 years ago that Jesus will save you.  And He will walk with you. And He will hold you close.  And He will never give up on you.  And He will show you how much He loves you in countless little and big ways.

The best re-birthday gift you could give me, and the only one I really want, is for you to start asking questions.  Be curious.  Message me on Facebook, text me, email me, call me, comment here, whatever it takes, start a conversation with me.  I won't force anything on you and I'll love you no matter what you choose.

But what do you have to lose by asking a few questions?  I know I gained everything.

Intentional Quiet

I love the quiet... and I crave the quiet most days.  Quiet is when I can sit still, when I can write, when my brain can slow down long enough to form coherent thoughts again, and when God does his best speaking to me.

That last one is probably because when it's quiet, I tend to listen better.

As I've made the transition into working full-time over the last few months, I've realized that I've had to become intentional with my quiet... with taking time to be alone.  And I've had to get creative at times.

I go to the gym, by myself, almost every weekday morning at 5:30 AM.  Partly because, in my opinion, 5:30 AM is too early to have a conversation with just about anyone, but also because when I'm working out, I can tune out the rest of the world.  No one expects me to carry on lengthy conversations.  It's okay to put my headphones in and ignore the world for a little while.  Every once in awhile I like having someone to work out with.  But I guard my alone time and you have to be pretty special in order for me to give that up.

At work, when I need a break from the hundreds of conversations going on around me, my headphones go in... and sometimes I don't even turn on my music (shhhh... don't tell anyone).  But with my headphones in, I can focus a little better and people think twice about interrupting me... usually :-)  Don't get me wrong... I LOVE my co-workers and I LOVE getting to talk to them.  But sometimes I need some quiet or I will go crazy.

I'm being intentional with taking care of me.

And that's GOOD.

Because when I take care of me, I'm a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better person.

And I'm okay with that.  I'm learning, even more, to embrace the unique way God created me.  And I love that He knows me best and knows that when it's quiet is when I will listen the best.  It's when I'm energized and recharged and a lot of that has to do with the fact that it's God recharging me.

Yes, I'm an introvert.  But I still love people... I just need a break from you all every once in a while.  And I'm going to be intentional about it... so don't take offense :-)

Psalm 46:10

New Living Translation (NLT)

¹⁰ “Be still, and know that I am God!
    I will be honored by every nation.
    I will be honored throughout the world.”

Writing...

I want to write.  It's been awhile since I've had that feeling.  After all, while I love my job, I do end up staring at a computer screen, reading and writing text for the better part of everyday, which makes it difficult to WANT to write when I get home.

But today the desire is there.  I want to write.

The problem?

I don't know what to write.

So I sit here and type random nonsense, hoping that at some point inspiration will kick in and I'll write something profound and meaningful and purposeful and just right for today.  But then I look at the clock and realize that I'm supposed to go to bed in a few minutes and I feel pressured and rushed and certain that nothing profound will come out of this post.

And, somehow, I'm okay with that.

Today I am okay with just getting words on "paper".  Because it means I'm writing again.  And it means that tomorrow, when I sit down to write, it will become a little bit easier because I have the beginnings of a habit.

Writing is cathartic... trying to spell cathartic, not so much...

Writing is me.

Reliance

The last 8 months have been a roller coaster of emotions.  I've had some really awesome times: times filled with laughter and joy and Jesus.  I've also had some really rough times: times filled with tears and sadness and Jesus.

Jesus has been the common denominator (see Mom! I was paying attention with math!).  He's the constant.  And I'm falling deeper in love with him everyday.

I marvel at his timing.

I'm astounded at the beauty of his word.

I'm in love with his promises.

Is everything perfect in my life right now?  No way.  Life is actually a little rough right now... not every part, but some big chunks.

But Jesus is still Jesus.  Jesus is constant.  Jesus doesn't change.  And Jesus is who I'll rely on.

Who are you relying on when things get tough?

"For the word of the Lord holds true,
    and we can trust everything he does."

Psalm 33:4