Love Choices

I've had these thoughts rolling around in the back of my head lately and so I've come here to help me process them.

I'm healing.  It's not so rough now.  I can get through most days without feeling like I want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head and never leave... or if I do feel that way it's because of something unrelated to the chaos that was November.

I'm healed enough that thoughts of dating have started popping back into my head, which, since in November I swore off dating ever again (I was hurting) is progress.

And that's where I've been struggling a little bit.  Figuring out what's my timing versus what's God's timing can be difficult at times.  I have a friend who has offered to set me up with a really nice guy.  I told her I would pray about it because I wanted to make sure that my heart was in the right place and ready (or mostly ready) for something like that.

I almost didn't want to pray about it.

You see, I was scared of the answer either way.  If you've read my blog long enough, you know that change is not something I enjoy.  At all.  And the possibility of dating again meant change.  But at the same time I was scared of not being ready.  It was frustrating.

But I did pray about it.  And God told me to wait.

I hate waiting.

But I've decided to wait.  God is still healing my heart and as he is, he's teaching me a few things as well.

God is teaching me about love.

I'd be the first to tell you that love is a choice and love is a verb.  Love is not something that you fall in and out of.  Love is something you do.  It is an action and it is a conscious choice.

But I forget this in one very important relationship far too often.

I forget it in my relationship with God.

Love is a choice in my relationship with God too.  It's a love choice to spend time with him by reading his words, praying, and listening for his voice.  It's a love choice to turn on my worship music and truly engage instead of just going through the motions.  It's a love choice to set aside specific time for him everyday.

And I've been convicted.  When I was dating, I talked to my ex everyday and spent hours upon hours with him on the weekends.

When's the last time I spend hours upon hours with Jesus?

So instead of just waiting during this time that God has called me to wait, I'm going to take that time and date Jesus.  I'm going to spend meaningful time with him everyday.  And for more than just 15 minutes a day.  Because, if I'm honest, I would not have let a day pass where that would have been okay between me and my ex while we were dating.

And my relationship with Jesus is far more important to me than any human relationship I have.

What about you?  Is your love for Jesus evident in the choices you make?

Just tired...

I'm sitting here and I should be doing homework.  After all, I only have three rough drafts due this week.  Yet, I'm having trouble getting started on anything that I have to get done.  Partly because, honestly, I just don't want to do it now.  I feel like with everything that has gone on in the past few weeks I have expended all the energy I had placed on reserve for this semester.  I'm ready to be done.  I'm ready for December 20th to be here in all of its Christmas break glory.  I'm ready to work on different things, have a different schedule, and spend time doing what I want to do instead of what I have to do.

Don't get me wrong.  I love teaching.  I love what I'm studying.  I'm just tired.  And Thanksgiving break really isn't a break when you have three rough drafts due the next week and 24 portfolios to grade.

And as I type this, I'm reminded of this verse:

"Then Jesus said, 'Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

I'm resting in Him and counting down to the end of the semester.  3 1/2 more weeks...

Rough Day Thankfulness

Today we celebrated the five and a half months we got to have this little guy, Jared D Manwiller.

It was a rough day.  There were lots of tears.  It was also a good day.  There was lots of laughter and hugging.  Spending time with family helps heal.  Huggings friends and hearing their encouraging words aids the healing.  It was an exhausting day.  My emotions are spent and I can't even begin to imagine what my cousin and her husband are feeling.  But it's the day before Thanksgiving and I realize that I have an awful lot to be thankful for:

• A Savior who offers a hope and a promise that isn't just good in this life but also the next.
• A family who sticks together.  We cry together, laugh together, and tomorrow we'll just hang out together.
• Friends who send encouraging messages via text, Facebook, email, and in person.  Friends who probably don't even realize the impact that they have had on my life these last few weeks.
• Journals to process life that happens.
• Jesus music to heal and encourage.
• New sweatpants and sweatshirts that are cozy and warm and that I got a great deal on.
• Laughter.  It soothes the soul.
• Mac and Cheese.  Because sometimes I just need comfort food and it's the best.
• Birthday cupcakes that my dad is making me right now. And they're the best flavor: chocolate.
• Chocolate chip cookies.  I don't think this one needs an explanation.
• Timely songs that come on the radio.
• Punch.  We only have it around the holidays and it's the best.
• Hugs. Because hugs help everything.
• My blog.  It's a processing tool, it's a release, and it encourages my heart to see how many people are reading.
• My phone.  It has my music, my contact with friends and so much more that helps me escape at times.

There is so much more that could go on this list.  I am thankful for so many things and being thankful heals.  Being thankful takes the focus off of me and puts it back onto the giver of all these gifts: Jesus Christ.  None of these things belong to me... all of them are gifts... all of them are from the greatest gift giver... and all of them cause me to look outside myself.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hard Nights and Healing

A part of me isn't sure I should post this.  But I try really hard to be open and honest on here and this is where my heart is at, so here it goes.

Nights are the hardest.

That might not make sense to you, but since my ex-boyfriend just broke up with me this past Friday (it's still weird calling him that), I've found the hardest times are at night.  These are the times I normally take to relax and these are the times I talked with him on the phone.

These are the times when I can't shut my mind off.

When I'm busy during the day, I'm okay.  I can hold it together fairly well because, well, with my schedule I barely have time to think about the work I need to get done let alone what's happened lately. But night is different.

If going to bed at 7:30 was a viable option, I think I would take it.  But it's not.  And that doesn't really solve the problem either because I just lay in bed and think.  

I've had to come up with some "coping" mechanisms... really they're healing mechanisms.

I process.  I blog.  I journal.  I cry.  I pray.  I read Scripture.  I listen to Jesus music.  And somehow I have begun to heal.

The thing about healing is that it doesn't take place overnight... as much as I would like it to.  God's timing isn't mine.  But His healing is the best.  And even now He sends encouragement and love letters to provide a balm to my heart.  I still have a long way to go with my healing, but it will come.

Healing is a process.  Nights are hard, but Jesus' love is greater.  Nothing can convince me otherwise.

Fog

The fog was super thick this morning as I drove to school and I began thinking about how my life feels foggy right now.  I couldn't see more than a couple car lengths in front of me when driving which has a tendency to freak me out just a little.  I drove even more defensively than I normally do.  I had to pay careful attention to the brake lights in front of me since I had completely lost my sense of where I was.

By the time I was half way through my commute, the fog was gone.  As I drove through downtown Detroit, it went from fog one minute to sunny blue skies the next.

And that truth is helping me in life right now.

Right now I feel like I'm in a life fog.  

I can't see what's going on ahead of me.  Everything is obscured in the fog and I'm having trouble seeing clearly.  But just like the sun dissipated the fog on my drive this morning, the Son (no, this isn't a typo) will dissipate the fog in my life eventually.  The best part is just like I was relying on the lights of the people's cars around me to tell me when I needed to stop, I can rely on Jesus to guide me through the fog so that I make it to the light.  I have my own personal guide.  While I may have lost my sense of direction for now, He hasn't.  He knows right where I am and where I am going.

Right now life is foggy, but it won't be foggy forever.  And even while it is foggy, Jesus will lead.

Happy Rebirth-day

Today I celebrate a different kind of birthday.  For those of you who know me, I celebrated my 24th birthday 10 days ago.  Today is different.  Today I celebrate my 17th rebirth-day.  It's the day that 17 years ago, I gave my life to Jesus and promised to follow him.  I asked Him to forgive my sins and come into my life.  I was just past my seventh birthday.

It's never been a decision that I've regretted.  Even during times when I was far away from God by my own choosing, He chose to gently draw me back.  He loves me even when I feel unlovable.  My faith doesn't mean that my life will be easy.  However,  it does mean that I'll have someone to lean into during the difficult times.  During the times when I just want to hide under the covers and not come out for months on end, He is faithful.

I've had reason to be thankful for that the past few weeks.  The past few weeks have been...tough...no, more than tough.  They've been "tears everyday, just want to stay in bed, where's my chocolate, life sucks, don't even want to tackle the mountain of homework that I've put off to deal with this junk" weeks.

Those are literally the thoughts I've had almost everyday lately.

And yet, I am so glad that 17 years ago I made the decision to follow Jesus.

When I feel like I just can't take one more piece of bad news, Jesus holds me.

When I feel like I have no more strength left, Jesus is my strength.

When I start sobbing, Jesus comforts.

I'm thankful for my relationship with Jesus.

I'm thankful for the other Christians He has put in my life to encourage me the past few weeks.

I am thankful that He loves me.

I am thankful that He saved me and that I can lean on Him.

I am thankful that His comfort is the best kind of comfort.

I am thankful that He has given me the strength to get through the last few weeks and will give me the strength to get through the weeks ahead.

I am thankful for His peace and the grace that He has given me so that I can extend it to others.

I am thankful for His forgiveness so that He can help me forgive others.

I am thankful for music that refocuses me on Him and is a balm to my wounded heart.

I am thankful for hugs... hugs help everything and are truly an extension of Jesus.

I am thankful for the prayers of friends and family and for a God who hears and answers those prayers.

I am thankful that I never walk alone.

I've found that one of the best cures for sadness is thankfulness. And service is right behind it.  When I take my mind off of my problems and focus on doing something for someone else, it helps.  All of the sudden I'm not inward focused on me and my problems, though people might surely tell me that I have a right to be upset and maybe even hold a little bit of a pity party.

But that's not how God calls us to live.

He calls us to forgive.  He calls us to keep our eyes focused on Him, not on us or our problems.

So today, on my rebirth-day, I am choosing to keep my focus on Him.

Ways you can pray for me...

This semester is going to be crazy.  I don't know how much I'll be able to write here, but I wanted to let you all know how to pray for me this semester because I know I can sure use it.

1. Pray for my students.  I'll be a GA (Graduate Assistant) this year and I'll be teaching first year writing as well as tutoring in the writing center.  I'll have lots of contact with students and I'm excited about it.  Many of them will be first year students and will be making the transition to college.  Pray that the transition would go smoothly.  Pray also that I would be able to speak into their lives and they would see Jesus in me.

2. Pray for my health.  I get sick with a head cold usually once a semester.  Pray that I would stay healthy as I will be on campus a lot and very busy.  I will be doing my best to stay healthy (hand washing, eating healthy, getting enough sleep, taking vitamins) but I can't avoid germs completely.  Students get sick and I'm in close contact with lots of them.  Pray that my immunity would stay strong.

3. Pray for my commute.  I travel over 100 miles on my way to and from school.  Pray that I would stay safe and make it to school on time.  I have a pretty tight schedule so getting stuck in traffic for long periods of time really isn't an option.  Also, pray for the weather.  Pray for safe driving conditions (no snow, ice, or torrential downpours).  Those types of weather conditions make it hard to get to campus on time.  And for all of you who want snow, you can pray for it during Christmas break.  My last day of class is December 19th.

4. Pray for my energy level.  Caffeine and I don't really like each other and I don't really want to get addicted.  However, I have really long days on campus and will need to keep my energy up.  Pray that I can do that naturally.

5. Pray for my relationships outside of school.  With school life being so busy it's easy to forget about life outside of school.  Pray that I would be able to maintain and cultivate the relationships I have outside of school and that I'll be able to have some sort of social life during the semester.

I'm sure as the semester continues I'll have more things that I want you to pray about and I will do my best to let you know.

Thanks for praying.  If there's something I can pray for you about let me know in the comments here.

School has commenced.